It all just feels so fake, ya know? This idea that good things happen to good people. That there's magic in the world, and that the meek and the righteous will inherit it. Too many good people suffer for that to be true. Too many prayers go unanswered. And every day it just gets worse. Every day we ignore how truly broken this world is, and we tell ourselves it's all going to be okay. But it's not going to be okay. And once you know that, there's no going back. There's no magic in the world...at least today there isn't.
-One Tree Hill-


I'm not in depressed mode. At all actually. I just heard this quote while catching up on Tivo and it reminded me of my wonderful friends on TTCAL. How unfair it is that these amazing, giving, kind, women have to go through such awful things that they don't deserve. I do have dark days still once in a while. I just liked the way this was said, because on those dark days, sometimes you just can't find the words. 


I love you ladies. On your happiest or darkest days, I'm here. Just like I know you are for me, and I can't thank you enough for that.

International Babylost Mother's Day.

It falls on the first Sunday each May. This years was yesterday, May 2nd. This explantation of what this day means and honors comes from the Facebook page for the event. 

"United in grief, we find love and strength. IBMD recognizes babylost women all over the world as mothers. Just because a woman loses her first baby does not mean that she is not a mother anymore. She will be a mother for the rest of her life. On this special day in May we come together to celebrate our connection, our children and our hope for the future. IBMD is a day for love, peace, remembrance and recognition. If you know a babylost woman why not tell her today that she is a beautiful mother."

It meant so much to me to have friends acknowledge the day, what it meant, and our little Pumpkin angel. Everyone gets so caught up in Mother's Day next Sunday, and generally think there is only one definition of what a mother is. There's not. There are so many types of moms out there, and they are all equally important roles to the women that fill them.

I am the mommy to a beautiful angel baby. Pumpkin will always be my first baby, and she will be a great guardian angel big sister if we are blessed with another baby. I am also a mommy to my furbabies. They don't understand that they are cats. In their world, they are little people and I'm their momma. They love me and depend on me to take care of them. 

I don't expect everyone to understand where I'm coming from with those things. And frankly, I don't care, because they work for me, and that's what matters. That's what helps me heart feel healed and gives me peace. No, I don't expect you to understand my feelings, but I do expect that you respect them. I don't think people grasp how hurtful it is for them to pretend that I am not going through all this. I don't want sympathy, or puppies and rainbows. What I do want is for people I *thought* were my close friends to not completely ignore that I told them about the child I lost as if I never told them at all.

So to anyone out there that has a friend who has lost a child... you don't have to know exactly what to say. Just tell them your sorry, ask how they are once in a while, and acknowledge that they are going through something. Something that you don't understand, but that is still very real. If you expect them to listen to you whine about your job and be supportive - the least you can do is not blatantly ignore that they told you about their loss. That's just crappy.

So reach out to a friend that may be hurting, or needing a shoulder to lean on. This day is about recognizing all mothers, and supporting people. Happy IBMD to all my beautiful friends and mothers of angels.

Angels Among Us.

I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. As much as I hate the way I've met a lot of my new friends, I can't imagine life without them in it. That my heart can be touched so deeply by women I've never met in real life constantly amazes me.

The last week or so, I've been a mess for some reason. I haven't been particularly unhappy, in fact there are a lot of things I'm looking forward to. I think I've just been overwhelmed with so much going on. On Thursday, I got a message from a good friend - the amazing Becca - to check my mail.

That night I opened a box with a beautifully wrapped gift and hand made card inside. I cried before I'd even ripped off the paper, and the tears flowed freely when I saw this.





As I read the beautifully written card, I realized how lucky I was. The hardest thing I've ever gone through brought me to the greatest people I've ever known. Becca had bought herself this same Willow Tree angel in memory of her angel baby, and decided that I needed one too. Just because. It made my heart just swell to have such a beautiful person inside and out as a friend. Even though we haven't gotten to meet in real life yet, I'm so thankful to have her in my life. But we will meet, as I plan to fly up to see her later this year after Justin deploys, and we hope to have cute matching baby bumps to compare!

I just wanted to share this story again on here, and take another opportunity to say "thank you!" again. Becca, you are amazing and I love you!