Oops.

I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted. The previous post about the 2 week wait was, (not so) shockingly, a BFN. That failure, for some reason, drove me to a full on break down of sobs. I am so tired of seeing no. I am so tired of the fear of seeing my husband off to another deployment, and having no piece of him here with me. At the same time, I long ago swallowed the bitter pill that this was never going to happen, so I don't know why every time I get my hopes up. This roller coaster? It's nothing remotely new.

Anyhow. I went in for my baseline u/s following the BFN, and got more bad news. Four pretty substantial cysts. No stims allowed. One more chance, down the drain. But, I had to brush it off, and get ready for our vacation of sorts. DH was taking his pre-deployment leave, and we planned a big road trip to go see my parents, and his mom. We took the 2 dogs, as well as 2 of the cats. Two years ago, when we upgraded from a small sedan to a small SUV, we thought we were pretty well set vehicle wise. Then we got Paisley. Then Toby (who just.keeps.growing.) and our "big" car suddenly was quite cramped. That was a really interesting ride with so much stuff and so many pets. We are absolutely going to need a bigger car, probably a van. An infertile with a mini-van. Lovely!

The trip itself was really wonderful, and I am so happy we went home. The beach with MIL was so much fun, and we got to meet her new boyfriend, who was great. DH and I hadn't been to the beach together since our honeymoon, and we had a blast. We really needed the get-away, that's for sure. We did some shopping, strolled the boardwalk, had drinks by the ocean... it was perfect. It was also nice to spend time back at my parents. DH and my dad got to golf quite a bit, we all got to enjoy the pool, and some of my mom's family came down to visit. My grandmother, aunt, and my 2 second cousins. It was so nice to see them, but the hole in my heart got a little bigger, at no fault to anyone. My second cousins are the sweetest, most fun kids, 3 and 5. Born to my at-the-time 15 and 16 year old cousins respectively. Neither cousin has custody of their child, nor to they see them often. It is so hard to be the only one in my extended family (on that side) who is married and ready for kids, and not be able to have them - yet there are children in my family who have parents that have walked away from them. I know this is the case for many of my IF ladies out there, and my heart goes out to all of you who have to sit at gatherings, wishing and wondering "why not me?" It doesn't seem like it ever gets easier. Watching my amazing DH play with those kids, read to them, help with them... and having the 3 year old call him "dad" on accident on more than one occasion. That blew.

Moving on. We are back now, and DH went back to work this week. We spent last week after getting back just doing *nothing* and it was exactly what I wanted and needed. No appointments. No errands. No chores or prepping for a foster-adopt visit. Just us and the furballs. And lots of storms haha. Today should be CD1, so I have a standing appointment for my baseline on Thursday, as well as my follow up with my rheumatologist. Probably a vampire appointment, and a refill on my meds. This time we are going to try a combo cycle. 7.5 F.emara like I was on in Texas, and F.ollistim, then trigger. If my baseline goes okay, this is the only cycle I'm guaranteed to attempt. I could very well have a cyst cycle next time, and then we'd be about out of time. Because of that, I'm going to insist on more/bigger follies at trigger. I want to be really proactive. This might be my last shot, and I want to know it had the best chance. RE also wants DH's SA repeated. He's not happy that for well over a year now, I've had good-perfect results (on-paper) each cycle, and no pregnancy at all. The SA will be done next week, and until then, DH is on a vitamin routine, high anti-oxidant diet, and no caffeine. He's not pleased with the lack of caffeine with early/long work days, but he's being a total trooper lol. That's pretty much it on the TTC front. This, maybe one more cycle if I'm lucky, and then this chapter is closed. I'll be 27 this weekend. 27, and we have already tapped out all the IF treatment we are willing to do. Ouch.

On the adoption side of things, we've yet to receive any calls for foster temporary placements. Which, is a good thing. Not needing us means that's one less home away from home needed for a child right now. :) We have put in a few inquiries/home studies with the national adoption website, but that process is a lengthy and slow one. It requires a great deal of patience, which sometimes I lack ha, but it's a step in that direction, so all you can do is roll with it. I'm not holding any expectations that it will lead to a match, but that darn hope, it's the tiny spark that keeps me trying.