Time is flying.

The last month has really been a blur. It's been just over a week since DH got home, and the past month has just been crazy. After some really emotional road bumps with the foster care route, we've decided to see it through. We were *thisclose* to walking away all together, but we are so close, that I just couldn't let it go. Our home study worker came again last Monday, and will be back again on Tuesday. We had a garage sale today, and between the visits and that, my house is DONE. There are still some things to sort through in the garage, and of course the list of renovations still to-do, but as far as day to day, livable space - it's there. And it's SO nice. Everything is set up and organized and unpacked for the first time in years and years. Moving a billion times makes it impossible to ever really settle, so to be totally moved-in here is wonderful, but it has certainly been time consuming.

I've also spent the last nearly 2 weeks back with the RE for this cycle. Started G.onal on CD 3, and today is CD 12. Today is also trigger day, which was a big surprise to me. E2 on Monday  was only 25, and only one measurable follie at 11mm. Bumped up my dose, and had an E2 draw of 94 on Wednesday. Yesterday I had another follie check, and fully expected that I'd be going back again on Monday to hopefully trigger. I had 4 decent follies, all between 9-14, which was pretty good. However, the 11mm from CD 7 was now at 18mm, and RE wanted to trigger the single follie. My E2 was only 147, so I was told to do one more G.onal dose last night, and to trigger tonight.

I know that one follie is a good, mature one. I know that one is all is takes. Blah blah blah. But I can't help but be disheartened by triggering just one. I've triggered 2-3 at 20-25mm on multiple occasions. None of those cycles lead to any pregnancies. Why should I expect this cycle to turn out any differently? There are only a few more cycles before DH deploys, and it is so hard not to get upset that my body is not producing what would give us the best chances. I will try during this 2ww to be positive though. That's all I can do.

In fun news! I was a part of a really neat blog-sock-exchange! With all the chaos lately, I was a big fail at getting mine out to my person on time (hopefully they are almost to her now!!) but I was super grateful to be a part of it. My socks came from the amazing Tami-scramble at Submerged and seriously, they are the most kick ass socks I've ever seen. I can only hope that my sock recipient likes hers as much as I adore mine!

Rawr! I'm a dragon!

The sock exchange was about sharing support and strength. IF/loss girls can never have enough reminders that we are not alone in all this, especially when heading into appointments and scans that can be isolating and scary. My socks are about being brave, and slaying the dragon that is IF. Thank you again, Tami, I love these, and what they represent.

Now that things have calmed down life-wise, I'm hoping to be able to be back on here more!

I'm Back!

I've been MIA for a while now. Getting ready for the home study, and getting DH set up to leave again has been crazy town. Since he left, I've been working like a madman to finish the other house things, handle all the pets and a few puppy vet visits for illness, and I just haven't had much time to jump on here!

Just a tiny update for now, but the home study went okay. The more we get into this process though, the more we are realizing that what we were originally told/expecting is just not how it's done in this area. I wasn't completely comfortable with the turns this path was taking, and since the home study, DH and I both have been feeling more and more uncertain. 

Last night, he was able to call, and we had a long, open discussion. Learning the hurdles we are up against, and having a good long time to reflect on our visit, we have decided not to continue at this time. This was a really tough choice for us, and both of us are saddened that it has come to this. We went into this so excited, wanting to grow our family, and make a difference. We still want those things, but it's just not the right time for this particular journey, knowing what we know now. There are only a handful of months before DH deploys again, and he's been gone 2 out of the last 3 months as it is. It has been nothing but hectic since we moved here in the fall, and we both feel strongly that we need to focus on having time together before he leaves again for 9-12 months. Adoption is off the table indefinitely, but we've agreed today to reopen the discussion it at our next duty station. 

I will continue to seek TTC treatment over the course of DH being home, and we will see if it leads to anything. We were against doing IUI while he's away, because it was so complicated last time. Last night we brought it up again, and will consider it as time gets closer. For now though, I'm just adjusting to this major shift in our plans. I know it's the right thing to do, but that doesn't mean it isn't incredibly tough.