I've been struggling lately with pulling myself up out of this rut, and I just can't seem to do it for very long. With being so busy lately, I've let myself think it was just distraction or things being hectic. But I think I'm just, blue. Which I'm not a fan of being.
Shocker, my lone follie didn't do the job. BFN's all the way up through Mother's Day (thanks for kickin' a girl while she's down, universe) and AF yesterday. I'm not surprised, but I'm still disappointed. DH, however - he *was* surprised. Bless his heart for still being so hopeful each cycle, even after all these years. I hate feeling like I let him down. He doesn't accept that doing everything 'right' doesn't mean success. The right timing, meds, vitamins, foods, rest... it never means a sure thing. And in his head, he knows that, but it get his heart every time none-the-less. And that breaks mine. He was even asking about what the due date would be for that cycle, so that he could keep it in mind when they asked him to schedule his mid-deployment leave. Damn that really hurts to type out. It's so unfair to be in this boat, and also be fighting the deployment clock yet again.
I go for my baseline u/s tomorrow, and to get a refill on my injectables. I picked up new vitamins, including some "can't hurt, might help" remedies I've seen floating around the web for so many years. I mean, why not, at this point? Hopefully everything looks okay for this cycle, since I'm an exception to their "skip a cycle after a failed one" rule - which I am forever grateful for. We've got a couple more tries, and I'm just holding my breath that everything will be good to go.
Next Monday, we have our *final* walk through for our foster care license. It has been a bumpy road, and we've had to change plans along the way - but I'm so glad we saw it through. By the time this is done, written up, approved, and we are assigned a case worker if we *are* granted our license... it will likely be in the middle of DH's pre-deployment leave, or thereabouts. I'm not sure the turn around time, but I know his leave is fast approaching, and his send off will (too) shortly follow. We haven't changed our minds that taking in any placement before he leaves is a bad idea. It's unfair to us in our limited time together, and it's unfair to a child to have to be put into a situation that's so sensitive. I am looking forward to giving a try to foster care though. I've been on the fence with what my plans would be once DH left, but the closer I get to that, the more strongly I feel about it. No, it's not at all how we expected this journey to go when we started it. Nothing seems to be for those of us in the world of IF, RPL, adoption, etc. But, it's something that despite all the hurdles, I do believe I could be good at it, and help some kids and families along the way.
I really hope I get my head unclouded soon. There is a lot going on, like there usually is in our lives, and I don't want to miss it. I have to throw continuing to job hunt, and finishing this semester of school in the mix too. I'll just keep taking it a day at a time.
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Time is flying.
The last month has really been a blur. It's been just over a week since DH got home, and the past month has just been crazy. After some really emotional road bumps with the foster care route, we've decided to see it through. We were *thisclose* to walking away all together, but we are so close, that I just couldn't let it go. Our home study worker came again last Monday, and will be back again on Tuesday. We had a garage sale today, and between the visits and that, my house is DONE. There are still some things to sort through in the garage, and of course the list of renovations still to-do, but as far as day to day, livable space - it's there. And it's SO nice. Everything is set up and organized and unpacked for the first time in years and years. Moving a billion times makes it impossible to ever really settle, so to be totally moved-in here is wonderful, but it has certainly been time consuming.
I've also spent the last nearly 2 weeks back with the RE for this cycle. Started G.onal on CD 3, and today is CD 12. Today is also trigger day, which was a big surprise to me. E2 on Monday was only 25, and only one measurable follie at 11mm. Bumped up my dose, and had an E2 draw of 94 on Wednesday. Yesterday I had another follie check, and fully expected that I'd be going back again on Monday to hopefully trigger. I had 4 decent follies, all between 9-14, which was pretty good. However, the 11mm from CD 7 was now at 18mm, and RE wanted to trigger the single follie. My E2 was only 147, so I was told to do one more G.onal dose last night, and to trigger tonight.
I know that one follie is a good, mature one. I know that one is all is takes. Blah blah blah. But I can't help but be disheartened by triggering just one. I've triggered 2-3 at 20-25mm on multiple occasions. None of those cycles lead to any pregnancies. Why should I expect this cycle to turn out any differently? There are only a few more cycles before DH deploys, and it is so hard not to get upset that my body is not producing what would give us the best chances. I will try during this 2ww to be positive though. That's all I can do.
In fun news! I was a part of a really neat blog-sock-exchange! With all the chaos lately, I was a big fail at getting mine out to my person on time (hopefully they are almost to her now!!) but I was super grateful to be a part of it. My socks came from the amazing Tami-scramble at Submerged and seriously, they are the most kick ass socks I've ever seen. I can only hope that my sock recipient likes hers as much as I adore mine!
I've also spent the last nearly 2 weeks back with the RE for this cycle. Started G.onal on CD 3, and today is CD 12. Today is also trigger day, which was a big surprise to me. E2 on Monday was only 25, and only one measurable follie at 11mm. Bumped up my dose, and had an E2 draw of 94 on Wednesday. Yesterday I had another follie check, and fully expected that I'd be going back again on Monday to hopefully trigger. I had 4 decent follies, all between 9-14, which was pretty good. However, the 11mm from CD 7 was now at 18mm, and RE wanted to trigger the single follie. My E2 was only 147, so I was told to do one more G.onal dose last night, and to trigger tonight.
I know that one follie is a good, mature one. I know that one is all is takes. Blah blah blah. But I can't help but be disheartened by triggering just one. I've triggered 2-3 at 20-25mm on multiple occasions. None of those cycles lead to any pregnancies. Why should I expect this cycle to turn out any differently? There are only a few more cycles before DH deploys, and it is so hard not to get upset that my body is not producing what would give us the best chances. I will try during this 2ww to be positive though. That's all I can do.
In fun news! I was a part of a really neat blog-sock-exchange! With all the chaos lately, I was a big fail at getting mine out to my person on time (hopefully they are almost to her now!!) but I was super grateful to be a part of it. My socks came from the amazing Tami-scramble at Submerged and seriously, they are the most kick ass socks I've ever seen. I can only hope that my sock recipient likes hers as much as I adore mine!
Rawr! I'm a dragon!
The sock exchange was about sharing support and strength. IF/loss girls can never have enough reminders that we are not alone in all this, especially when heading into appointments and scans that can be isolating and scary. My socks are about being brave, and slaying the dragon that is IF. Thank you again, Tami, I love these, and what they represent.
Now that things have calmed down life-wise, I'm hoping to be able to be back on here more!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
A bit of a vent.
One more day. That's all I have to get through before DH comes home from this training. Damn good thing, because any longer, and I might scream.
On the TTC front, I had my first follie check on Monday. Nothing. Nada, zip, zlitch. I had my E2 drawn, but they didn't tell me what it was. I know it's early, but that was so disheartening to not have a single promising follie started. I did 75iu CD 3-5, then 50 on CD 6. I was instructed to stay at 75iu yesterday and today, and I have my second scan in the morning, as well as another E2 draw. I'm not getting my hopes up. I hate having to drive over a hour each way every few days, and I'm nervous about the possibility of having to stim for a long time to see results. That's a lot of gas, time, and complications with DH's work days - just to get down there for appointments full of fail. And the G.onal F headaches... ouch.
On the home front, I'm at my wits end. 99% of the time, all the pets are great fun, and relatively easy to take care of, especially given the number of them. But lately, they are driving me nuts. I think it's because I've been gone a lot with appointments, and when I am home, I've been constantly busy. Cleaning, continuing to unpack and renovate, juggling all the calls, bills, errands, etc. since it's all on me while DH is gone... they aren't getting their normal amount of attention. I'm rarely sitting still in one spot or room, and typically, as I run around the house, I have at least 4 of them follow every step I take. The new kitten has suddenly taken to going potty in the shower. The big female cat has been beating up the kitten. Paisley pup cut her leg open on something outside, which I learned about because the dogs came in covered in blood. She's all bandaged and fine now, and it doesn't seem to hurt her much, thankfully. Toby is going through a big growth spurt/rebellious puppy stage - though training tips from my friend C have helped immensely. The house has been an ongoing nightmare of a project for months, and I know that once things are done, it will be calmer. Or at least finishing the parts I can do. It will be professionals coming in for the big things, thankfully. But in the mean time, trying to balance everything alone - the repairs, the pets, and the meds/appointments? I'm going bonkers.
I think I'll have some wine to go with my whine.
On the TTC front, I had my first follie check on Monday. Nothing. Nada, zip, zlitch. I had my E2 drawn, but they didn't tell me what it was. I know it's early, but that was so disheartening to not have a single promising follie started. I did 75iu CD 3-5, then 50 on CD 6. I was instructed to stay at 75iu yesterday and today, and I have my second scan in the morning, as well as another E2 draw. I'm not getting my hopes up. I hate having to drive over a hour each way every few days, and I'm nervous about the possibility of having to stim for a long time to see results. That's a lot of gas, time, and complications with DH's work days - just to get down there for appointments full of fail. And the G.onal F headaches... ouch.
On the home front, I'm at my wits end. 99% of the time, all the pets are great fun, and relatively easy to take care of, especially given the number of them. But lately, they are driving me nuts. I think it's because I've been gone a lot with appointments, and when I am home, I've been constantly busy. Cleaning, continuing to unpack and renovate, juggling all the calls, bills, errands, etc. since it's all on me while DH is gone... they aren't getting their normal amount of attention. I'm rarely sitting still in one spot or room, and typically, as I run around the house, I have at least 4 of them follow every step I take. The new kitten has suddenly taken to going potty in the shower. The big female cat has been beating up the kitten. Paisley pup cut her leg open on something outside, which I learned about because the dogs came in covered in blood. She's all bandaged and fine now, and it doesn't seem to hurt her much, thankfully. Toby is going through a big growth spurt/rebellious puppy stage - though training tips from my friend C have helped immensely. The house has been an ongoing nightmare of a project for months, and I know that once things are done, it will be calmer. Or at least finishing the parts I can do. It will be professionals coming in for the big things, thankfully. But in the mean time, trying to balance everything alone - the repairs, the pets, and the meds/appointments? I'm going bonkers.
I think I'll have some wine to go with my whine.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Holding My Breath.
Tomorrow will be quite a telling day as far as this, and future cycles are concerned. I have three appointments in the morning; one for insulin resistance blood work testing, one for pre-conception counseling, and then a follow up with my RE. Tomorrow should also be CD1, and I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I can get the ball rolling to do a treatment cycle this time. I was originally under the impression the the counseling was only about the use of blood thinners during pregnancy, should I get there again. When I called to find out about starting my medications for this cycle, I learned it was an all-inclusive counseling, and a pre-requisite of beginning a treatment plan. I finally got it all worked out scheduling wise, so that I have the counseling done in time to, theoretically, not be too late for this cycle. I just hope that when I see my RE tomorrow afterwards, that he's game to get this started, too.
I've been taking the P.laquenil for the lupus, and while I haven't been taking it long enough to notice pain improvement, my body is certainly reacting to it in the form of side effects. They are a bit scary if I don't keep an eye on them, so I'm trying to stay on the ball. I've also got all my G.onal F, hanging out in the fridge, thanks to a very generous friend, K! I've had enough of break time. I'm ready to do this.
Missing a cycle when you are TTC around a military training and deployment schedule is a big deal. Every chance that you miss out on before your soldier leaves for a year can seem crushing. What if *that* was the time it could have worked? What if one more cycle would help the RE find the right meds, and get it right, so that you're successful before he leaves? It's such a stressful combination, and I'm just holding my breath that I don't have to miss this chance.
I've been taking the P.laquenil for the lupus, and while I haven't been taking it long enough to notice pain improvement, my body is certainly reacting to it in the form of side effects. They are a bit scary if I don't keep an eye on them, so I'm trying to stay on the ball. I've also got all my G.onal F, hanging out in the fridge, thanks to a very generous friend, K! I've had enough of break time. I'm ready to do this.
Missing a cycle when you are TTC around a military training and deployment schedule is a big deal. Every chance that you miss out on before your soldier leaves for a year can seem crushing. What if *that* was the time it could have worked? What if one more cycle would help the RE find the right meds, and get it right, so that you're successful before he leaves? It's such a stressful combination, and I'm just holding my breath that I don't have to miss this chance.
Friday, September 23, 2011
I give up.
At my final RE appointment today, I learned that I already O'd on my own. This appointment was made 3 days earlier than the previous one in order to avoid this happening again. Glad that worked out so well. I just don't understand. Two years of my body being almost increasingly uncooperative, and now, when it's our last few cycle attempts, it decides to work? Don't get me wrong, textbook-esque cycles are fine by me... so long as I'm aware of it! I'd be happy to keep trying while moving forward with the adoption, now that I have an RE and a plan that is clearly making progress. But, I don't have that option, so I'm a little frustrated that on our last attempt, it is once again out of my control.
