I can't get out of this funk.

I've been struggling lately with pulling myself up out of this rut, and I just can't seem to do it for very long. With being so busy lately, I've let myself think it was just distraction or things being hectic. But I think I'm just, blue. Which I'm not a fan of being.

Shocker, my lone follie didn't do the job. BFN's all the way up through Mother's Day (thanks for kickin' a girl while she's down, universe) and AF yesterday. I'm not surprised, but I'm still disappointed. DH, however - he *was* surprised. Bless his heart for still being so hopeful each cycle, even after all these years. I hate feeling like I let him down. He doesn't accept that doing everything 'right' doesn't mean success. The right timing, meds, vitamins, foods, rest... it never means a sure thing. And in his head, he knows that, but it get his heart every time none-the-less. And that breaks mine. He was even asking about what the due date would be for that cycle, so that he could keep it in mind when they asked him to schedule his mid-deployment leave. Damn that really hurts to type out. It's so unfair to be in this boat, and also be fighting the deployment clock yet again.

I go for my baseline u/s tomorrow, and to get a refill on my injectables. I picked up new vitamins, including some "can't hurt, might help" remedies I've seen floating around the web for so many years. I mean, why not, at this point? Hopefully everything looks okay for this cycle, since I'm an exception to their "skip a cycle after a failed one" rule - which I am forever grateful for. We've got a couple more tries, and I'm just holding my breath that everything will be good to go.

Next Monday, we have our *final* walk through for our foster care license. It has been a bumpy road, and we've had to change plans along the way - but I'm so glad we saw it through. By the time this is done, written up, approved, and we are assigned a case worker if we *are* granted our license... it will likely be in the middle of DH's pre-deployment leave, or thereabouts. I'm not sure the turn around time, but I know his leave is fast approaching, and his send off will (too) shortly follow. We haven't changed our minds that taking in any placement before he leaves is a bad idea. It's unfair to us in our limited time together, and it's unfair to a child to have to be put into a situation that's so sensitive. I am looking forward to giving a try to foster care though. I've been on the fence with what my plans would be once DH left, but the closer I get to that, the more strongly I feel about it. No, it's not at all how we expected this journey to go when we started it. Nothing seems to be for those of us in the world of IF, RPL, adoption, etc. But, it's something that despite all the hurdles, I do believe I could be good at it, and help some kids and families along the way.

I really hope I get my head unclouded soon. There is a lot going on, like there usually is in our lives, and I don't want to miss it. I have to throw continuing to job hunt, and finishing this semester of school in the mix too. I'll just keep taking it a day at a time.

Home Study!

It came around faster than I expected, that's for sure. DH leaves this week for another short training, and I told our case worker that when she called on Friday. Since our case is the one up on the list, she wanted to see us before he leaves to prevent delays in our process. Eeeep. Panic time! She will be here tomorrow after lunch, so that DH can just take a half day of work. Holy cow. I am taking a short break right now from what I expect to be a 16+ hour work day of house-prep, puppy grooming, and paperwork gathering. We took 6 of the 7 pets to the vet, all in one trip I might add, for their yearly shots, so we've got all their papers and a local vet updated. In NC, where they were all vaccinated before we moved to TX, they give 3 year shots. In TN, they require them every year. It also just made more sense to have them all on the same schedule, since we have so many. Toby pup was all set in November when we got him, so he is the only one off, which is pretty good.

I am fully aware that all this is probably overboard, but that's how I roll. I would rather be overly prepared any day than under prepared. Will it be perfect? No, there are still big things to do with the house itself, and I've accepted that. But the upstairs - the main living area - that will be, I'm determined. It's tough on a bum foot though, I'll admit. I tried to step over a puppy kennel last week, and came down really hard on a corner. Tore open a nice gash on the ball of my foot, which lead to stitches, the world's ugliest summer sandal brace-boot, and crutches. I sure do have impeccable timing. Anyhow.

DH even went to L.owe's yesterday and got all sorts of flowers and garden things, and spent the day re-doing the front yard. Though, "re-doing" implies it was done before, which it wasn't. I don't think it had been touched in years other than mowing, and it looks amazing now. I'm really impressed with him! Hopefully I'll be somewhat close to being done when he gets home from work (I started at 4 am) and we can go over all the papers and home study book again. I really am utterly terrified for this, and I don't know why. I just feel so strongly that this is the right path for us, regardless of what happens TTC wise, and I want it to go right.

In TTC land, I did have to sit out this cycle. Not because of my RE - he was wonderful with understanding my unwillingness to skip cycles - but because of my body and the A.rmy. DH's date go moved up, and AF didn't show up on time. It sucks, but it happens. We'll be ready to start again about the time he gets home, and that will have to do!

DH took me to see The H.unger Games on Friday, and I completely adored it. Of course the book was better, it always is. There were a lot of things that had to be weeded out, or simplified for the movie, just like any book-t0-film adaption. There were however, one or two (IMO) important things that were glossed over, that I wish had been in there. I won't go into to that, as I've already gotten away from my point.

There was a small scene added to the movie version that I really loved. I won't go into the details, in case anyone is waiting to see it, but there is a quote that really stuck with me. Enough so that DH went out and got me paints, stencils and canvases, because I told him I wanted to add it to our angel babies wall collage.

"Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear."

I keep rolling this around in my head, and I'm trying to remember that it is exactly why we keep going down these tough, unknown roads. It's why I put my body and heart through all the things I do. It's what keeps me pushing for tomorrow, and for each step down the line.

Hope.

A Tiny Step Forward.

We finally got a call today from our home study worker! She seems really nice, and she was letting us know that letters were going out today to those we gave as references, and that we would be getting some paperwork to submit as well. Whenever she receives our packets back, she will call and set up the first visit. I'm hoping to have the packets for DH and I done and back to her by the end of the week so that hopefully, by this time next week, we will have a date set for that first session. We weren't given any indication of how far out these meetings are being booked, so to be on the safe side, we are making sure that every.single.thing. about the house and the room is finished by the end of next weekend. Just in case.

I'm not getting ahead of myself, though. While I'm happy things are moving forward, we are *such* a long way from adding to our family. There will be at least 2, if not 3 more sessions - assuming she likes us and the house on her initial visit. Then it's figuring out what kind of placements that we are ready to accept for respite care situations. Then we wait. And we hope, that at some point in the journey and temporary placements, we get a call for a child that's waiting. Until then, there is an empty room full of clothes and toys, and I keep the door to it closed. I am excited about this journey, yes. But I'm also realistic about what it might involve, both time and heartache wise. It's strange to have to have a room all set up when there are so many hoops to jump through before that space you've carved into your home is filled. If it ever is. I've said it before, and I'm sure it won't be the last time - there are no guarantees in this process. All we can do is hope for the best, and be prepared as much as possible for the outcome we are working towards.