A bit of a vent.

One more day. That's all I have to get through before DH comes home from this training. Damn good thing, because any longer, and I might scream.

On the TTC front, I had my first follie check on Monday. Nothing. Nada, zip, zlitch. I had my E2 drawn, but they didn't tell me what it was. I know it's early, but that was so disheartening to not have a single promising follie started. I did 75iu CD 3-5, then 50 on CD 6. I was instructed to stay at 75iu yesterday and today, and I have my second scan in the morning, as well as another E2 draw. I'm not getting my hopes up. I hate having to drive over a hour each way every few days, and I'm nervous about the possibility of having to stim for a long time to see results. That's a lot of gas, time, and complications with DH's work days - just to get down there for appointments full of fail. And the G.onal F headaches... ouch.

On the home front, I'm at my wits end. 99% of the time, all the pets are great fun, and relatively easy to take care of, especially given the number of them. But lately, they are driving me nuts. I think it's because I've been gone a lot with appointments, and when I am home, I've been constantly busy. Cleaning, continuing to unpack and renovate, juggling all the calls, bills, errands, etc. since it's all on me while DH is gone... they aren't getting their normal amount of attention. I'm rarely sitting still in one spot or room, and typically, as I run around the house, I have at least 4 of them follow every step I take. The new kitten has suddenly taken to going potty in the shower. The big female cat has been beating up the kitten. Paisley pup cut her leg open on something outside, which I learned about because the dogs came in covered in blood. She's all bandaged and fine now, and it doesn't seem to hurt her much, thankfully. Toby is going through a big growth spurt/rebellious puppy stage - though training tips from my friend C have helped immensely. The house has been an ongoing nightmare of a project for months, and I know that once things are done, it will be calmer. Or at least finishing the parts I can do. It will be professionals coming in for the big things, thankfully. But in the mean time, trying to balance everything alone - the repairs, the pets, and the meds/appointments? I'm going bonkers.

I think I'll have some wine to go with my whine.

Go Time.

All of my appointments went well yesterday, and each Doc was on board with starting this cycle. I begin G.onal F on Thursday, continue through Sunday, and return to the RE on Monday for a follie check. Hopefully it won't take too many checks before I'm ready to trigger, since it is a good drive from home, and DH will be back from training soon, and back to work as usual. 

I'm trying hard to find the balance, yet again, of being hopeful without getting my hopes up. This week should have been yet another 1st Birthday, for another baby we never got to meet. I just want something to go right. To work out. To allow my husband as much time as he can get during a healthy pregnancy before he deploys again. For him to be excited about the future of our family, instead of being heart broken over another loss, another failure, as he had to do last time around. Keeping my fingers crossed that I can give that to him. 

Holding My Breath.

Tomorrow will be quite a telling day as far as this, and future cycles are concerned. I have three appointments in the morning; one for insulin resistance blood work testing, one for pre-conception counseling, and then a follow up with my RE. Tomorrow should also be CD1, and I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I can get the ball rolling to do a treatment cycle this time. I was originally under the impression the the counseling was only about the use of blood thinners during pregnancy, should I get there again. When I called to find out about starting my medications for this cycle, I learned it was an all-inclusive counseling, and a pre-requisite of beginning a treatment plan. I finally got it all worked out scheduling wise, so that I have the counseling done in time to, theoretically, not be too late for this cycle. I just hope that when I see my RE tomorrow afterwards, that he's game to get this started, too.

I've been taking the P.laquenil for the lupus, and while I haven't been taking it long enough to notice pain improvement, my body is certainly reacting to it in the form of side effects. They are a bit scary if I don't keep an eye on them, so I'm trying to stay on the ball. I've also got all my G.onal F, hanging out in the fridge, thanks to a very generous friend, K! I've had enough of break time. I'm ready to do this.

Missing a cycle when you are TTC around a military training and deployment schedule is a big deal. Every chance that you miss out on before your soldier leaves for a year can seem crushing. What if *that* was the time it could have worked? What if one more cycle would help the RE find the right meds, and get it right, so that you're successful before he leaves? It's such a stressful combination, and I'm just holding my breath that I don't have to miss this chance.