Things that make me smile.

They are few and far between these days. But, there are a few things, and for that I count myself lucky.

1. I got a puppy! We've wanted one for years, but was never the right time. Last week, I sent husband a picture of a shelter pup. I told him I knew we couldn't have her, and that I wasn't asking. I just wanted to share how cute she was. But my amazing husband surprised me by telling me I should call and get more info about her. We talked a lot about potential issues with a new pet, but in the end, we decided that there was really no good reason not to. He also thought that I needed her with him gone and everything else doing on. So, last Saturday, I adopted this furball of adorableness.

Meet Paisley!

And what's funny is that as much as I already love her, I'm not all "Squee! New puppy!" It's more like she fills a hole that I didn't know was there in our family. There is the obvious hole. The constantly painful one. But this is different, and Paisley just fits perfectly. She has made me so happy already. Husband and I feel like I was meant to find her with the way things lined up so perfectly to get her.


2. My amazing friends. I brag about them a lot, but that's because they are just that wonderful. Not only have they been there for me in so many ways over the last almost year a half, but this week, they made me cry happy tears for the first time since I don't know when. I came home from a nearly 10 hours work day, exhausted, and sad from having spent 5 of those hours unpacking baby clothes.  I pulled into the driveway to see a box on my doorstep, that I assumed was delivered to the wrong house. I was so surprised when I saw it was addressed to me. Inside, I found the most beautiful, sunny, happy flowers! An arrangement of my very favorites, that make me smile every single time I walk by them. Ladies, in case you didn't already know, I absolutely love you all.

3. As always, my husband, who even while deployed has been the most fantastic shoulder to lean on. Who also experienced this loss with the chemical pregnancy, yet is still so strong for me. Who keeps me fighting for the one thing we want more than anything else. I am so lucky to be married to my best friend, and I just want him home safe and soon where he belongs.

Get It Right.

This song was on Glee on Tuesday, and I just watched it. The words just couldn't be more fitting, and I had to get them down.

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?

When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
‘Cause I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I’ll get through this

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right

So I throw up my fist, punch into the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair

So, yeah. This won't be a long post, but I guess it's an update. Husband left almost 2 weeks ago to go back overseas. I've been waiting impatiently to find out if our efforts with the iui procedure and new meds was a success. 

It was. And I got to enjoy that fact for a whopping 3 days this time. Betas dropped, tests were nearly non-visible this morning, and tonight the bleeding really started. It's over as quickly as it began. As if that, and husband being gone while it's happening isn't enough, add me being an idiot to the mix. I had a pretty clear idea before my positive tests that I was pregnant, but getting the confirmation still got me all caught up. I stupidly allowed myself in that few days, to be excited. We did all the meds! Spent all the money! Had perfect timing with R&R! It was going to be different this time! 

I know better than that. Or I should have. I bought into all these signs, thinking it meant things would be okay this time. My IUI was on my parents anniversary. My EDD was Thanksgiving Day, after months of me and Becca talking about tiny turkey babies. A few other silly things I let my heart read into throughout this cycle. I let myself get pulled into a bubble that I created about how things should be. But should be, and are, couldn't be further apart from each other most of the time. 

I'm so mad at myself. I'm also at a total loss of how I should be feeling, or how to process this and the next steps with my best friend and love of my life half a world away from me. I'm fluctuating between pissed the hell off, and broken and numb. Currently, broken and numb is winning, but feeling like a fool is pretty high up there as well. It all just sucks.

R&R So Far!

So the hubs has been home for a little over a week now, and it has been beyond wonderful. We've relaxed, taking care of errands and appointments, and had a great trip this past weekend to Austin. It's going to be so tough to say goodbye to him again, but I'm so glad that the long stretch is behind us for this deployment. I am independent and strong alone, yes. I get through because I have to, but I am reminded in this visit that I'm not really me without him here.

Austin was amazing, as it usually is. We went to a hockey game, Johnny Cash's birthday bash, and got tattoos for our angel babies. We always have such a fun time in Austin, and I can't wait to go back when he's home for good.

In other news, we've been in the thick of this cycle attempt. I started all my meds before J got home, and also had my first ultrasound. Friday the 25th, my EDD for LL, I had my first follie check. I had nothing over 10mm on the left, but had 3 decent ones on the right. Two at 13.5 and one at 11.5, which wasn't awesome, but it was heading the right direction.

Today I went back, hoping to have 2, possibly 3 mature follies to trigger. That didn't happen. None of the ones on the right had grown even a bit. I started crying then and there, knowing we were running out of time to try ourselves before J went back. Then, she checked the left side, and we got a surprise. There was a lone ninja follie sitting at 23mm. It's only 1, not what we were hoping for, but better than zero. Tonight I triggered, and after talking with my RE, we will be doing an IUI on Thursday. I'm nervous, but cautiously hopeful!