Friday, July 23, 2010
100 times a day.
I woke up this morning to thoughts of you. I paid some bills, took care of our furballs, and ran the errands. I cleaned up our bedroom that somehow seems more empty now than it did before our new furniture was delivered. I sat in my Dr's appointment and cried when I was asked how I was doing. I cried when I found out my referral hadn't been submitted. I cried when someone said something that hurt my feelings. Then tonight, I realized I hadn't eaten today, so opened up some cereal. I poured the bowl, a prize fell out, and I actually smiled. I smiled because I thought about how you would have like that silly little toy. And for the 100th time today, I wished that you were here.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Me Time.
I miss my husband terribly. I hope he knows how incredibly proud of him I am, and how much I love him. This first deployment is a big deal. He's going to be changing and growing as a person in his time away, and I feel I owe it to myself to be doing the same.
I'm not one of those people who can sit around and do nothing. I have big plans for spending my "me time" while DH is away, and I hope I can accomplish all my goals in this next year. These are the things I'm planning to do:
It might sounds a little Stepford, but I like to learn how to do more typical "wife" things. To the great disappointment of my ILs, I do not have dinner ready on the table each day when DH would get home from work. I'm just not that girl. However, I would like to learn to cook. There are 6 things that I can cook from scratch, and one of them, I literally blew up last week. As in, the glass pan literally exploded. Don't ask. My friend and I are also going to take the Wilton cake decorating class, and I'm really excited for that.
I would also like to learn how to sew. My Grandma gave me her sewing machine before she passed away, and I think it's time I learn how to put it to good use. Taking up closet space still in the box is not good use. I have been looking for new throw pillows for the couch since we are redoing the living room. I can't find anything I like, and if I do, it's insanely expensive. It's a square of material stuffed with fluff for goodness sake - surely I can handle that! Famous last words, perhaps, but I'm going to try.
I want to be in better shape, and I'm going to do something about it. I am psyched to start back at Tae Kwon Do (I took it for 10 years when I was younger) and dancing again. I'm going to take line dancing classes, as well as jazz and tap.
I've almost finished getting everything to redecorate the house, too. That's been a great therapy, actually - knowing that I'm getting everything finished and comfortable for me, and for when Justin comes home.
Lastly, I'm still waiting on my referral to my new RE. Hopefully we can get the ball rolling on the repeat loss testing they want to do, as well as the HSG and possibly other things. I'm ready to start preparing for IUI's, but obviously I can't move forward until I've gotten all my results, and hopefully some answers, so that we can get the best possible plan for me.
Ok, ADD - I'm bored of writing and going to get lunch.
I'm not one of those people who can sit around and do nothing. I have big plans for spending my "me time" while DH is away, and I hope I can accomplish all my goals in this next year. These are the things I'm planning to do:
It might sounds a little Stepford, but I like to learn how to do more typical "wife" things. To the great disappointment of my ILs, I do not have dinner ready on the table each day when DH would get home from work. I'm just not that girl. However, I would like to learn to cook. There are 6 things that I can cook from scratch, and one of them, I literally blew up last week. As in, the glass pan literally exploded. Don't ask. My friend and I are also going to take the Wilton cake decorating class, and I'm really excited for that.
I would also like to learn how to sew. My Grandma gave me her sewing machine before she passed away, and I think it's time I learn how to put it to good use. Taking up closet space still in the box is not good use. I have been looking for new throw pillows for the couch since we are redoing the living room. I can't find anything I like, and if I do, it's insanely expensive. It's a square of material stuffed with fluff for goodness sake - surely I can handle that! Famous last words, perhaps, but I'm going to try.
I want to be in better shape, and I'm going to do something about it. I am psyched to start back at Tae Kwon Do (I took it for 10 years when I was younger) and dancing again. I'm going to take line dancing classes, as well as jazz and tap.
I've almost finished getting everything to redecorate the house, too. That's been a great therapy, actually - knowing that I'm getting everything finished and comfortable for me, and for when Justin comes home.
Lastly, I'm still waiting on my referral to my new RE. Hopefully we can get the ball rolling on the repeat loss testing they want to do, as well as the HSG and possibly other things. I'm ready to start preparing for IUI's, but obviously I can't move forward until I've gotten all my results, and hopefully some answers, so that we can get the best possible plan for me.
Ok, ADD - I'm bored of writing and going to get lunch.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
The way it should be...
...is rarely the way it is. But there is nothing you can do about it but learn and move forward.
Today was my EDD for Pumpkin. Today was hard. I should have spent it welcoming my sweet baby into the world. It hurts so deeply still, but surprisingly, I am feeling strong and kind of snarky today. I would do anything to have met my little one today, and it still breaks my heart that it didn't work out that way. It breaks my heart that I've had another loss since then. That so many of my friends are going through the same thing. That my husband is about to leave for war.
All those things and more break my heart. Are any of these things fair? No. Is that life? Yes.
There are days I'd like nothing more than to curl up in a hole and cry myself into oblivion. But it's not always possible. And frankly, it's not going to do me any good. It is so frustrating to hear people whine about things I'd be thrilled for. Complain about situations that they chose for themselves.
That's why when people ask how I handle Justin deploying and the things that come with the Army schedule, I say "I just do." What other choice do I have? I knew full well the sacrifices I'd have to make in this life. Being stationed wherever Justin is needed was part of the deal. We make less money than we are accustomed to having, but again, that's part of the package. You just do it. You make the most of the life you chose. You learn to deal with the things that happen that you can't control.
I'm just over it. Over the warped sense of entitlement people have. Over thinking the world is fair and just. I spent my whole life in a world that cared about what they saw on the outside. Busting my ass to have this shiny little life. I thought I was happy in that world.
And then I fell in love with a man so completely opposite of all that. Who saw me for me, and loved me no matter what. I realized that things are just that. Things. I'd live in a box in a town I hated if it meant being with him. Material things come and go, but love like what we have is so much stronger than that. It means everything to me to have this man as my husband, and God willing, for us to have a family.
We miss our babies every single day. We always will. So no, today was not how it *should* have been. But today, at this moment, this is our life. Mommy and Daddy love you, Savannah. We didn't get to meet you today, but one day, we will hold you in our arms.
Today was my EDD for Pumpkin. Today was hard. I should have spent it welcoming my sweet baby into the world. It hurts so deeply still, but surprisingly, I am feeling strong and kind of snarky today. I would do anything to have met my little one today, and it still breaks my heart that it didn't work out that way. It breaks my heart that I've had another loss since then. That so many of my friends are going through the same thing. That my husband is about to leave for war.
All those things and more break my heart. Are any of these things fair? No. Is that life? Yes.
There are days I'd like nothing more than to curl up in a hole and cry myself into oblivion. But it's not always possible. And frankly, it's not going to do me any good. It is so frustrating to hear people whine about things I'd be thrilled for. Complain about situations that they chose for themselves.
That's why when people ask how I handle Justin deploying and the things that come with the Army schedule, I say "I just do." What other choice do I have? I knew full well the sacrifices I'd have to make in this life. Being stationed wherever Justin is needed was part of the deal. We make less money than we are accustomed to having, but again, that's part of the package. You just do it. You make the most of the life you chose. You learn to deal with the things that happen that you can't control.
I'm just over it. Over the warped sense of entitlement people have. Over thinking the world is fair and just. I spent my whole life in a world that cared about what they saw on the outside. Busting my ass to have this shiny little life. I thought I was happy in that world.
And then I fell in love with a man so completely opposite of all that. Who saw me for me, and loved me no matter what. I realized that things are just that. Things. I'd live in a box in a town I hated if it meant being with him. Material things come and go, but love like what we have is so much stronger than that. It means everything to me to have this man as my husband, and God willing, for us to have a family.
We miss our babies every single day. We always will. So no, today was not how it *should* have been. But today, at this moment, this is our life. Mommy and Daddy love you, Savannah. We didn't get to meet you today, but one day, we will hold you in our arms.
