Another 2WW.

I hate living life 2 weeks at a time. 2 weeks of meds and checks and hoping that blood work looks even the slightest bit promising. Then 2 weeks of waiting, hoping, and over analyzing every little thing. Only a few of these 2 week waits left before DH leaves, and each time I lose more and more hope.

I went back on CD 11 to find that I'd gone from 13, 11, 9 on the right - to 16, 14, 12, 11, 11, 9. They went ahead and triggered in the office, which caught me off guard. I thought for sure they'd wait to see what my E2 came back at, and it frustrated me to trigger without that info, with only 1 *almost* mature follie. I understand that they grew a lot in a day and a half, and that new ones popped up. But I wasn't at risk for a crap-ton of mature follies if I'd waited to see levels, especially just doing TI. With last cycle failing with the single follie/low E2 - I was very upset that I didn't get more time. I think it had a lot to do with that it was the last day before a holiday weekend, and they had to play it safe with the quick growth. Which sucks for me. The bare minimum chances are not cutting it with me, and I'm running out of time. They called at the end of the day to let me know my E2 was 320, up from 141 around 36 hours prior, so that made me feel a bit better, but I still am not holding my breath this cycle.

In other news, I was a part of a really neat Biggest Loser type challenge with some lovely friends. It wrapped up this week, and I somehow managed to win. I lost about 25 lbs - give or take when it fluctuates - in 12 weeks, and I feel great. I didn't push myself with crazy new exercise because I was too scared to during all these treatments. (Not that it ended up helping anything!) Instead was really careful with what/how much I ate. Going back to a pretty strict gluten free diet (something I'd slacked on before this) with smaller portions, better food, and lots of walking. The only thing that is frustrating is that even though I'm down two sizes, I don't feel like I look it. 2 weeks on heavy injectables, then 2 weeks of 500 mgs of progesterone for the entire duration of the challenge? Yeah, the bloat is kicking my ass. But, I do at least feel healthier, and I have a good new routine with my meals/snacks - and that's a big deal to me, so I'm still proud. I'm also over the wall that I hit with the scale not budging for almost the last 4 weeks of the challenge until the final week. I added 30 day shred after the BFNs from last cycle, and I think that helped get me over the hump. I hit this wall at about the same weight last year, when I lost so much during DH's deployment/ when I was on break from IF treatments. I lost 35-40 last year, all of which had been gained since the first miscarriage - and I slowly put it all back on when he came home and we started doing treatments again. It's a dirty, vicious cycle. Hard enough I hate my body for failing at giving me a healthy pregnancy. But to then have it change so much because of the pursuit of that goal? Lame. So lame. Hopefully this is a huge step in the right direction to get back towards my size in college and when we got married.

Day 6 Check.

Left side 11 mm follie is no more. I now only have a 9 mm on the left. On the right I have a 9, 11, and 13. So, one trying to grow, and the leader didn't get much larger. Sigh. My E2 did go up from 41 to 141 though. RE wanted me back today after another 150iu dose, but I can't make it until tomorrow. Hopefully there is something worth getting the okay to trigger sometime this holiday weekend.

Clearing some hurdles this week.

Monday's final home study walk through went well! It all checked out, which is a huge stress off of my back. DH and I have worked so hard to renovate this house, and I'm so happy that we got it all done. Home study worker said she would put in for approval by the end of the week, but then it's got to go up through 2 more reviews. These are by people that don't know us, and might look at the concerns about being too new to the area, or away from family, and not give us a chance. But, there is nothing we can do about it at this point - it's out of our hands. That in itself has made me feel so much better.

Monday after the final, I headed out of town for my first follie check of this cycle. Usually it's a whole lot of nothing at that point, so I was surprised to see that I had an 11 mm on the left and a 12ish mm on the right after only 4 days of stims. My e2 was 41 - which is higher than it's been at this point before, but still not great. RE bumped me up from 100 iu to 150 iu, and I go back this afternoon for another check and blood draw. DH has a 4 day weekend for Memorial Day, and hopefully I'll be triggering sometime soon. We are going to a concert/festival on Saturday, and spending the rest of the weekend relaxing! It will be the first weekend in a long time where there wasn't at least 1 full day or house work, so I'm excited. I need a break, and so does DH. It should be a good weekend.

I can't get out of this funk.

I've been struggling lately with pulling myself up out of this rut, and I just can't seem to do it for very long. With being so busy lately, I've let myself think it was just distraction or things being hectic. But I think I'm just, blue. Which I'm not a fan of being.

Shocker, my lone follie didn't do the job. BFN's all the way up through Mother's Day (thanks for kickin' a girl while she's down, universe) and AF yesterday. I'm not surprised, but I'm still disappointed. DH, however - he *was* surprised. Bless his heart for still being so hopeful each cycle, even after all these years. I hate feeling like I let him down. He doesn't accept that doing everything 'right' doesn't mean success. The right timing, meds, vitamins, foods, rest... it never means a sure thing. And in his head, he knows that, but it get his heart every time none-the-less. And that breaks mine. He was even asking about what the due date would be for that cycle, so that he could keep it in mind when they asked him to schedule his mid-deployment leave. Damn that really hurts to type out. It's so unfair to be in this boat, and also be fighting the deployment clock yet again.

I go for my baseline u/s tomorrow, and to get a refill on my injectables. I picked up new vitamins, including some "can't hurt, might help" remedies I've seen floating around the web for so many years. I mean, why not, at this point? Hopefully everything looks okay for this cycle, since I'm an exception to their "skip a cycle after a failed one" rule - which I am forever grateful for. We've got a couple more tries, and I'm just holding my breath that everything will be good to go.

Next Monday, we have our *final* walk through for our foster care license. It has been a bumpy road, and we've had to change plans along the way - but I'm so glad we saw it through. By the time this is done, written up, approved, and we are assigned a case worker if we *are* granted our license... it will likely be in the middle of DH's pre-deployment leave, or thereabouts. I'm not sure the turn around time, but I know his leave is fast approaching, and his send off will (too) shortly follow. We haven't changed our minds that taking in any placement before he leaves is a bad idea. It's unfair to us in our limited time together, and it's unfair to a child to have to be put into a situation that's so sensitive. I am looking forward to giving a try to foster care though. I've been on the fence with what my plans would be once DH left, but the closer I get to that, the more strongly I feel about it. No, it's not at all how we expected this journey to go when we started it. Nothing seems to be for those of us in the world of IF, RPL, adoption, etc. But, it's something that despite all the hurdles, I do believe I could be good at it, and help some kids and families along the way.

I really hope I get my head unclouded soon. There is a lot going on, like there usually is in our lives, and I don't want to miss it. I have to throw continuing to job hunt, and finishing this semester of school in the mix too. I'll just keep taking it a day at a time.