Get It Right.

This song was on Glee on Tuesday, and I just watched it. The words just couldn't be more fitting, and I had to get them down.

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?

When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
‘Cause I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I’ll get through this

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right

So I throw up my fist, punch into the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair

So, yeah. This won't be a long post, but I guess it's an update. Husband left almost 2 weeks ago to go back overseas. I've been waiting impatiently to find out if our efforts with the iui procedure and new meds was a success. 

It was. And I got to enjoy that fact for a whopping 3 days this time. Betas dropped, tests were nearly non-visible this morning, and tonight the bleeding really started. It's over as quickly as it began. As if that, and husband being gone while it's happening isn't enough, add me being an idiot to the mix. I had a pretty clear idea before my positive tests that I was pregnant, but getting the confirmation still got me all caught up. I stupidly allowed myself in that few days, to be excited. We did all the meds! Spent all the money! Had perfect timing with R&R! It was going to be different this time! 

I know better than that. Or I should have. I bought into all these signs, thinking it meant things would be okay this time. My IUI was on my parents anniversary. My EDD was Thanksgiving Day, after months of me and Becca talking about tiny turkey babies. A few other silly things I let my heart read into throughout this cycle. I let myself get pulled into a bubble that I created about how things should be. But should be, and are, couldn't be further apart from each other most of the time. 

I'm so mad at myself. I'm also at a total loss of how I should be feeling, or how to process this and the next steps with my best friend and love of my life half a world away from me. I'm fluctuating between pissed the hell off, and broken and numb. Currently, broken and numb is winning, but feeling like a fool is pretty high up there as well. It all just sucks.