Time is flying.

The last month has really been a blur. It's been just over a week since DH got home, and the past month has just been crazy. After some really emotional road bumps with the foster care route, we've decided to see it through. We were *thisclose* to walking away all together, but we are so close, that I just couldn't let it go. Our home study worker came again last Monday, and will be back again on Tuesday. We had a garage sale today, and between the visits and that, my house is DONE. There are still some things to sort through in the garage, and of course the list of renovations still to-do, but as far as day to day, livable space - it's there. And it's SO nice. Everything is set up and organized and unpacked for the first time in years and years. Moving a billion times makes it impossible to ever really settle, so to be totally moved-in here is wonderful, but it has certainly been time consuming.

I've also spent the last nearly 2 weeks back with the RE for this cycle. Started G.onal on CD 3, and today is CD 12. Today is also trigger day, which was a big surprise to me. E2 on Monday  was only 25, and only one measurable follie at 11mm. Bumped up my dose, and had an E2 draw of 94 on Wednesday. Yesterday I had another follie check, and fully expected that I'd be going back again on Monday to hopefully trigger. I had 4 decent follies, all between 9-14, which was pretty good. However, the 11mm from CD 7 was now at 18mm, and RE wanted to trigger the single follie. My E2 was only 147, so I was told to do one more G.onal dose last night, and to trigger tonight.

I know that one follie is a good, mature one. I know that one is all is takes. Blah blah blah. But I can't help but be disheartened by triggering just one. I've triggered 2-3 at 20-25mm on multiple occasions. None of those cycles lead to any pregnancies. Why should I expect this cycle to turn out any differently? There are only a few more cycles before DH deploys, and it is so hard not to get upset that my body is not producing what would give us the best chances. I will try during this 2ww to be positive though. That's all I can do.

In fun news! I was a part of a really neat blog-sock-exchange! With all the chaos lately, I was a big fail at getting mine out to my person on time (hopefully they are almost to her now!!) but I was super grateful to be a part of it. My socks came from the amazing Tami-scramble at Submerged and seriously, they are the most kick ass socks I've ever seen. I can only hope that my sock recipient likes hers as much as I adore mine!

Rawr! I'm a dragon!

The sock exchange was about sharing support and strength. IF/loss girls can never have enough reminders that we are not alone in all this, especially when heading into appointments and scans that can be isolating and scary. My socks are about being brave, and slaying the dragon that is IF. Thank you again, Tami, I love these, and what they represent.

Now that things have calmed down life-wise, I'm hoping to be able to be back on here more!

A Tiny Step Forward.

We finally got a call today from our home study worker! She seems really nice, and she was letting us know that letters were going out today to those we gave as references, and that we would be getting some paperwork to submit as well. Whenever she receives our packets back, she will call and set up the first visit. I'm hoping to have the packets for DH and I done and back to her by the end of the week so that hopefully, by this time next week, we will have a date set for that first session. We weren't given any indication of how far out these meetings are being booked, so to be on the safe side, we are making sure that every.single.thing. about the house and the room is finished by the end of next weekend. Just in case.

I'm not getting ahead of myself, though. While I'm happy things are moving forward, we are *such* a long way from adding to our family. There will be at least 2, if not 3 more sessions - assuming she likes us and the house on her initial visit. Then it's figuring out what kind of placements that we are ready to accept for respite care situations. Then we wait. And we hope, that at some point in the journey and temporary placements, we get a call for a child that's waiting. Until then, there is an empty room full of clothes and toys, and I keep the door to it closed. I am excited about this journey, yes. But I'm also realistic about what it might involve, both time and heartache wise. It's strange to have to have a room all set up when there are so many hoops to jump through before that space you've carved into your home is filled. If it ever is. I've said it before, and I'm sure it won't be the last time - there are no guarantees in this process. All we can do is hope for the best, and be prepared as much as possible for the outcome we are working towards.

New Year, Same Resolutions.

I've been a craptastic blogger, but the last few months have been insane. Yet, all of the crazy was the same things over and over, so there really wasn't anything interesting to write about. The house repairs have become a consuming, financially and emotionally draining, never ending cluster. But we've gotten a ton done.

All new carpet is finally in. Every room had to be painted to cover the smoke smells and stains. All the blinds have been replaced for the same reason. The missing door frames have all been finished.  I also fixed 3 windows, and framed 3 others until they can be replaced. Broken and mis-matched fixtures and ceiling fans have been changed out. The kitchen and bathroom tiles have been caulked where they weren't upon move-in. Broken, filthy shower doors are down, as are the jagged, broken porcelain wall-mounted fixtures. After 8 total hours of cleaning out the back patio of the previous residents trash and junk, the backyard is clean and the dogs are happy.

Oh yeah, dogs plural. We rescued a puppy that was about to be put down. He's name is Toby, and from the vet, and then our own research, we think he's a black and tan coonhound and walker coonhound mix. My husband thinks it is hilarious that I'd end up with a raccoon hunting dog, but that's another story.

So finally, it's finally starting to feel like a home here. The ILs visited the day after Christmas, and we all had a really nice time. I'm hoping my parents will be visiting sometime this month. When we lived in Texas, we only saw everyone once a year, so it's nice to have them for visits.

There is a short list priorities structurally, including a decent amount of electrical repairs, some plumbing issues, 2 soffit and facia board replacements, and the HVAC system getting tuned up. Other than that, we can just do a little at a time, but at least be comfortable living here, and proud of the work we've done when they come for home study.

Husband and I go to DCS tomorrow for our next step, and I'm nervous. We've decided to open our profile to one child for now instead of 2 - a little girl between 0-6. With DH deploying sometime this year, I just feel strongly that it will be easier for a girl placement to adjust and thrive alone with just me for a while.

So that's my life right now as I bring in the New Year. It's hard to believe it's 2012. It feels like yesterday, and long ago, all at the same time that I started each New Year's with the resolution that *this* year, will be the year. The year we have a family. Most everyone around me brought in 2012 with their healthy little ones, or with little ones on the way. But for me, it's the same resolutions all over again. Get settled at (insert whatever new place we've moved), have a child, let DH have a safe deployment, and so on. Yet those are still my hopes and dreams for this year. I really hope the universe has something up it's sleeve for us in the months to come.