Time is flying.

The last month has really been a blur. It's been just over a week since DH got home, and the past month has just been crazy. After some really emotional road bumps with the foster care route, we've decided to see it through. We were *thisclose* to walking away all together, but we are so close, that I just couldn't let it go. Our home study worker came again last Monday, and will be back again on Tuesday. We had a garage sale today, and between the visits and that, my house is DONE. There are still some things to sort through in the garage, and of course the list of renovations still to-do, but as far as day to day, livable space - it's there. And it's SO nice. Everything is set up and organized and unpacked for the first time in years and years. Moving a billion times makes it impossible to ever really settle, so to be totally moved-in here is wonderful, but it has certainly been time consuming.

I've also spent the last nearly 2 weeks back with the RE for this cycle. Started G.onal on CD 3, and today is CD 12. Today is also trigger day, which was a big surprise to me. E2 on Monday  was only 25, and only one measurable follie at 11mm. Bumped up my dose, and had an E2 draw of 94 on Wednesday. Yesterday I had another follie check, and fully expected that I'd be going back again on Monday to hopefully trigger. I had 4 decent follies, all between 9-14, which was pretty good. However, the 11mm from CD 7 was now at 18mm, and RE wanted to trigger the single follie. My E2 was only 147, so I was told to do one more G.onal dose last night, and to trigger tonight.

I know that one follie is a good, mature one. I know that one is all is takes. Blah blah blah. But I can't help but be disheartened by triggering just one. I've triggered 2-3 at 20-25mm on multiple occasions. None of those cycles lead to any pregnancies. Why should I expect this cycle to turn out any differently? There are only a few more cycles before DH deploys, and it is so hard not to get upset that my body is not producing what would give us the best chances. I will try during this 2ww to be positive though. That's all I can do.

In fun news! I was a part of a really neat blog-sock-exchange! With all the chaos lately, I was a big fail at getting mine out to my person on time (hopefully they are almost to her now!!) but I was super grateful to be a part of it. My socks came from the amazing Tami-scramble at Submerged and seriously, they are the most kick ass socks I've ever seen. I can only hope that my sock recipient likes hers as much as I adore mine!

Rawr! I'm a dragon!

The sock exchange was about sharing support and strength. IF/loss girls can never have enough reminders that we are not alone in all this, especially when heading into appointments and scans that can be isolating and scary. My socks are about being brave, and slaying the dragon that is IF. Thank you again, Tami, I love these, and what they represent.

Now that things have calmed down life-wise, I'm hoping to be able to be back on here more!

Lupus "Lite"

That's my current diagnosis after my first appointment with my new rheumatologist. Auto Immune/Connective Tissue Disease/Mild Lupus. This doesn't rule out full-on lupus, it is just all the can be diagnosed in a single visit based on symptoms and past labs. For now though, that is where it stands. I had lots of blood work and testing done, like always. I go back in one month for follow up tests so my Doc can start monitoring for damage to any organs or systems. That's the only way to nail down calling it full blown Lupus. If there isn't significant damage at this time, it still may be progressing that direction, so it is a scary and uncertain road. The comfort comes in knowing that I'm going to be watched closely, be treated proactively, and that if and when things go downhill, it will be caught quickly. I feel confident in my new Doc, and in the care of this practice, and for that, I'm so fortunate.

My overall health, of course, comes first and foremost. I'm so thankful to feel like I'm in good hands with that. However, I will admit that I left in happy tears at how he will be addressing my concerns of how this has impacted my struggles with IF and RPL. His outlook on it was that - if there are treatments that won't hurt, and have a good chance of helping, why would we not pull out all the stops after all I've been through? And that is an approach I've been hoping to find in a Dr. for the last 15ish months since I found out about the auto immune issues. It's getting longer between each pregnancy, with each pregnancy being shorter than the one before. It's been almost a year since my last BFP, and that only lasted a few day - even though my treatments have been stronger, and more involved since then. I've had significant symptom flare ups in that time as well. I have to believe they are connected. If there are things that I can do or take that might be game changing, bring it on.

So, it's P.laquenil starting immediately to combat my symptoms and flare ups. That will help me feel better, but also may help lend success to upcoming IF treatments. If I get pregnant again, I'll add in P.rednisone steroid treatment, as well as injection blood thinners, likely L.ovenox. He may also add progesterone shots, since I have low numbers in the department. That's the plan, and it is one I feel great about. I still have to *get* to the part where it comes into play though. That whole pesky actually getting pregnant thing that I'm not too good at? That's my big obstacle now. I can only hope that my new RE that I start with next week will be as understanding and proactive. Oh, and that they will work with Soldier's training and deployment schedule, which will cause some complications.

It is a lot to process. This is a journey I only recently decided to revisit, and it is a little tough to get my head in the right place with it. But, I can honestly say that I'm glad we reopened this door. Knowing that everything that can be done, will be done - that's huge. And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. At least I'll know I took this ride as far as it could go, and won't regret, or wonder 'what if' down the line.

I give up.

At my final RE appointment today, I learned that I already O'd on my own. This appointment was made 3 days earlier than the previous one in order to avoid this happening again. Glad that worked out so well. I just don't understand. Two years of my body being almost increasingly uncooperative, and now, when it's our last few cycle attempts, it decides to work? Don't get me wrong, textbook-esque cycles are fine by me... so long as I'm aware of it! I'd be happy to keep trying while moving forward with the adoption, now that I have an RE and a plan that is clearly making progress. But, I don't have that option, so I'm a little frustrated that on our last attempt, it is once again out of my control.