The Day We Said Goodbye.

12-17-09
We got the hospital at 530 am. DH was so sweet, and he had bought me new pajamas so that I would be comfortable on the way there and afterwards. They are pink and super soft fleece, and it's amazing how the smallest things can help the most. I brought Pumpkin's blanket with me, along with a tiny bear, that once was mine, that my mom had sent before we found out something was wrong. We sat in a room full of other pre-op patients, separated only by thin curtains, and I got dressed and had my IV started. Eventually DH was sent to the waiting room, and I was taken back. I was questioned and briefed by multiple Drs. and nurses, and cried the whole time.

I know they see patients in who have lost their babies all the time, but only one nurse said that she was sorry. Her name was Roxy, she was going to be my OR nurse, and she was my absolute saving grace. She was the last person to talk with me before I went into the OR. She sat down, held my hand, and told me that she was so sorry that we lost our little one. She have my hopeful stories of other people she had seen go through this, and how so many of them went to have healthy forever babies right after their D&Cs. Then she asked what my favorite alcoholic drink was. I laughed and told her margaritas. Then she started my anesthesia and told me to pretend I was at the beach, being served however many margaritas it took for me to get a nice buzz. It was a wonderful way for me to go to sleep more lighthearted, and I really appreciated that she cared about me.

I woke up in the labor and delivery/peds recovery room. Joy. I started crying as soon as I came to, realizing that my baby was actually gone. That was followed by the worst pain I can ever remember, and the need for morphine. Lots of morphine. The rest of the day was a blur. I eventually made it to my own room, where I got juice and crackers, and DH. He helped me get dressed, and we left, with empty arms and broken hearts.

I had 5 Rxs, and DH didn't feel comfortable leaving me at home so soon after to go get them. So off to Walmart we went. Ugh. I couldn't walk, so they set me up with a motor chair shopping cart. We wanted a regular wheel, but no such luck. Not that I know from experience, but I felt like I was driving drunk. DH was nervous about me taking people out in the cart, but I got the hang of it, and we loaded up on all the lovely post-op necessities. Juice and soup and pads and medicines, oh my.

I slept most of the day when I got home, and DH woke me up when he came to bed. He carefully crawled over to me, and out his head on my tummy. He whispered "It makes me feel so empty inside to know she's not in there anymore." Which of course caused us both to cry all over again. I don't know how long it will take us to get through this, I only know that we will get through it together.