First appointment success!

Today was my consult at the fertility clinic, and I really feel good about my choice. I'm so used to a new Dr. taking one look at part of my file, and having them assume they know everything about me, and I'm happy to say that's not the case here. She will be my assigned Dr., and I'll have one nurse assigned to me as well, so I'm thrilled that I will have more consistent, one on one care.

She ordered another round of blood work to do asap. I'll start an antibiotic on CD 2, do a CD 3 blood draw, and hopefully the following cycle will be the IUI. I was worried about my meds being covered, but for this first time, we are just going to do either Clomid or Femera, u/s monitoring, and then a trigger if everything looks good to do the procedure. Luckily those meds are covered, and we will cross the bridge of further meds if it comes to it. For now it's just getting everything taken care of, and waiting, but it feels really good to have this plan and schedule.

I've put in some job apps and I'm hoping to hear back this week. I've got frame orders rolling, too, so that's fun. :) That'll be more a side project if I get one of these jobs though. I mean, it really is just a for kicks thing already, but I enjoy doing it. Running and healthy eating program is going well and I feel great. I'm also only going to keep positive people in my life. Not in the puppies and rainbows way, but rather in that they are positive influences. I try hard despite whatever is going on to be a good friend to people, and don't have the patience or enough capacity for hurting left over to surround myself with those who only look out for themselves. I have been blessed with a wonderful group of girls that I wouldn't trade for anything. They've shown me what true friendship means, and at this point, true friends are the only ones worth having.

Run, run away, it's just a matter of time.

Running in Texas is hot. I have been getting up earlier and earlier each day (so far only on day 3) but it's like no matter how early I try, it's unbearably hot. Dang Texas. I'm considering adjusting my temping schedule and getting up right after the sun rises instead.

But I love it already. I'm running until I'm nauseous, and even though I feel like crap right after, it doesn't take long to feel amazing. Energized, less stress, stronger - it's wonderful. I don't think I realized how badly I'd let myself get down. The last 2 months have been a blur of the loss of LL, Justin deploying, countless medical tests and hoops to jump through, and trying to get everything that's been neglected taken care of. I push the sadness, the worry, and the frustration down and bottle it up inside. I have a few great friends there are there to listen to me vent, but I tend to play-down a lot of what I'm feeling. I'm afraid that if I let it all out, it will overwhelm me, and that's a scary thing.

But I need an outlet, and I'm so excited that this seems to be it. I also hope that when Justin comes home, this is something we can do together. I really feel like it's just a matter of time before I'm feeling like myself again.

Let's Get It Started!

Everything, that is! It's go time, and I am psyched.

This morning, I signed up for the Couch to 5k program my friends have raved about.

http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

I have 8 weeks until the 5k out of town, and I'm determined to run the whole thing without stopping or slowing to a walk. I know I can do it, and I'm not giving up until I reach my goal. I'm have a shelf in my closet of pants I outgrew but refused to get rid of. Pants that haven't fit since I was 20. And I'm going to get my ass in them, and rock them again.

Also, if you look to the right, you'll see a new little icon on my page. After a long time talking about doing this, and having lots of people ask me about it, I'm moving forward with selling my scrapbook frames. There's not much in my portfolio for now, as I've just been doing them for my home or for gifts, but I have a ton of new ideas and items that I'm working on. I can't wait to introduce them, including an all military themed line! I love doing these, and it's great to give me something to keep busy with. :)

I also want to take a second to share a friend's amazing page as well. She makes custom military purses, tote bags, keychains, and even pet beds! Check it out:

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001328146321&ref=ts

Lastly in the news, I took a legitimate first step in my IUI journey. As you've read, I've had a hell of a time with referrals, being bounced around Dr. to Dr., and trying to jump through 100 hoops to *maybe* get a spot at the IVF/IUI clinic the Army sends you to. Right now there are still not even CONSULT spots open, and there is really no way of knowing if I'd get in and be able to do the procedure before Justin comes home. This struggle is tough enough without all this stress of getting a plan together this way.

So, I'm done with trying to work it all out. I'm going to do this on my time, at my place of choice, and unfortunately lol, with my money. I'm to a point where it is worth my sanity to just do this out of pocket. I spent a lot of days calling around to places within driving distance, and found what I believe will be a wonderful fit. The cryobank where I would pick up the samples is in Austin, so ideally my clinic would be too, and that's what I've found. The people I've spoken with so far are great, and the best part if that they remember who I am when I call. That's not something that happens when you're being seen on-base. They seem proactive, positive, and even offer 50% off of all my tests and procedures done through them as a military discount. I cried when they told me that.

It's like this huge weight is of my shoulders with all this. All my RPL tests came back normal, and we've done everything possible through the IF specialist on base. Now the ball is in my court, and it is such a relief feeling like I'm in control of my care with this, and seeing an end in sight by having a real timeline for getting to the IUIs. My consult is next week, and I'm excited to meet the Dr. that will be handling everything. I'm praying that this is the Dr. and the place that will lead to our take home baby.

Make New Friends But Keep the Old

Or however that lame camp song went. It's absolutely right.

The 19-21 of this month, I had the opportunity to go on a retreat with a group of Army wives who also have their husbands deployed. To be honest, I was nervous about going. I didn't really know anyone, but it seemed most everyone had kids they were bringing. I was afraid it was going to be hard on my heart, but decided to give it a shot anyhow.

There were moments I excused myself, yes. Sitting at a table where everyone is only talking about their kids is tough. Even tougher when I'd get the "Do you have kids? Oh, why not, do you no want them?" questions. Because you know, the only reason someone wouldn't have kids is because they chose not to, right? Sigh. But I'm aware that most people just don't understand, and mean well, so I am getting better at taking those comments with a grain of salt. If it got to be too much, I'd just skip the meal and eat in my room, or go to the spa - which was fabulous.

View from my room.

The second day I spent drinking pina coladas by the pool and enjoying my opportunity to be at such a beautiful place. I ordered room service for dinner, and got ready for the night. I found a fabulous group of girls that either didn't have kids, or got sitters for the evening. We had drinks and chatted at the great bar in the hotel, and kicked it up a notch by taking a shuttle to the local bar and dance hall, and had a wonderful time. We also had some heart to hearts, where I learned of others who had been through losses, which let me open up about my own, and even had a woman come to me and ask more about my story. It was a pretty amazing not feeling like I have to hide away the struggles in fear of making someone uncomfortable. It really was a great trip, and I'm so glad I went and made some new friends.

I also got to see my oldest friend last week! I picked up Christie at the Austin airport on my way home from the spa. She's the first person to come and visit me in Texas, and we had some serious catching up to do. :) We went to "Summer Fun" at the water park the first night - an adults only, BYOB and live music event, and that was a blast. We went to some dinners out, I showed her around town and base, and tried to take her places she could only go in Texas. We also went to Belton Lake once school started back, and practically had the place to ourselves. It was great, and so relaxing. Mostly we just kept things low key though, and really got to talk and catch up on things. We haven't actually seen each other in a long time, so it was really nice to hang out. I'm so happy she came to see me, and I hope that she will again so we can check out some stuff outside of town!

The Best Thing

Yeah we've got bills to pay
And we got nothin' figured out
When it gets hard to take
Yes, yes, this is what I thought about

Do you remember we were sittin' there by the water?
You put your arm around me for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter

You are the best thing that's ever been mine


-TS-

Loving you is as easy as breathing. But when things get tough for us - distance, finances, obstacles - I think I love you even more, because I remember how far we've come, and how we can make it through anything. Together. I miss you, soldier.

A Little Progress.

Slowly but surely, it's moving forward! I had an appointment with my RE on Tuesday, who I adore. The HSG results came back great, thank goodness. Also, I'd been worried I'd really have to push for RPL testing, but she offered it to me without me asking. I was so grateful, she really is amazing. I was able to go the the lab right after my appointment and get it done, and I'll go back to see her in 3 weeks to go over the results.

The bad news is the place that Tricare sends you for IUI/IVF is full, and not taking new consults. I am very fortunate to live within driving distance to this facility, as it's one of only *I believe* 3 base hospitals in the country that do these procedures. If that means I have to wait a little, then that's what I'll do. Hopefully I can get some more information when I got back in a few weeks. Besides, I want to know all my test results and figure out what my new cycle "normal" will be before I make any kind of plans with the procedures anyway. It would just be nice to know I could get in and get established, so that it was all set when that time comes, but I'm trying to be patient.

Two steps forward, one step back - but that still gets you there eventually. :)

Happy Anniversary, Soldier.

Today is mine and Justin's 2 year wedding anniversary. Obviously, I'll be spending it alone, and that kind of sucks. However, it would be more than enough for me just to hear from him. It's so hard to have him gone.

I can't believe it's been 2 years since we said I do. It was the happiest day of my life, and every day since, I've fallen more in love with him. Justin means everything to me, and we get stronger as a couple at every turn. I don't think either of us expected to face the things we have in our first 2 years of marriage, but we've gotten through it together. There is no one else in the world I would want by my side in the good times and the bad.

Right now, yeah, things are tough. I worry about my husband, and I miss him constantly. It's a long road that we have ahead of us with the rest of the deployment, but I'm confident that it will be yet another thing that makes us stronger. I'm so lucky to have him in my life. We have found a perfect mix of fairy tale and friendship, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

My Mav - I love you with all my heart. Happy anniversary, baby. Stay safe soldier.

100 times a day.

I woke up this morning to thoughts of you. I paid some bills, took care of our furballs, and ran the errands.  I cleaned up our bedroom that somehow seems more empty now than it did before our new furniture was delivered. I sat in my Dr's appointment and cried when I was asked how I was doing. I cried when I found out my referral hadn't been submitted. I cried when someone said something that hurt my feelings. Then tonight, I realized I hadn't eaten today, so opened up some cereal. I poured the bowl, a prize fell out, and I actually smiled. I smiled because I thought about how you would have like that silly little toy. And for the 100th time today, I wished that you were here.

Me Time.

I miss my husband terribly. I hope he knows how incredibly proud of him I am, and how much I love him. This first deployment is a big deal. He's going to be changing and growing as a person in his time away, and I feel I owe it to myself to be doing the same.

I'm not one of those people who can sit around and do nothing. I have big plans for spending my "me time" while DH is away, and I hope I can accomplish all my goals in this next year. These are the things I'm planning to do:

It might sounds a little Stepford, but I like to learn how to do more typical "wife" things. To the great disappointment of my ILs, I do not have dinner ready on the table each day when DH would get home from work. I'm just not that girl. However, I would like to learn to cook. There are 6 things that I can cook from scratch, and one of them, I literally blew up last week. As in, the glass pan literally exploded. Don't ask. My friend and I are also going to take the Wilton cake decorating class, and I'm really excited for that.

I would also like to learn how to sew. My Grandma gave me her sewing machine before she passed away, and I think it's time I learn how to put it to good use. Taking up closet space still in the box is not good use. I have been looking for new throw pillows for the couch since we are redoing the living room. I can't find anything I like, and if I do, it's insanely expensive. It's a square of material stuffed with fluff for goodness sake - surely I can handle that! Famous last words, perhaps, but I'm going to try.

I want to be in better shape, and I'm going to do something about it. I am psyched to start back at Tae Kwon Do (I took it for 10 years when I was younger) and dancing again. I'm going to take line dancing classes, as well as jazz and tap.

I've almost finished getting everything to redecorate the house, too. That's been a great therapy, actually - knowing that I'm getting everything finished and comfortable for me, and for when Justin comes home.

Lastly, I'm still waiting on my referral to my new RE. Hopefully we can get the ball rolling on the repeat loss testing they want to do, as well as the HSG and possibly other things. I'm ready to start preparing for IUI's, but obviously I can't move forward until I've gotten all my results, and hopefully some answers, so that we can get the best possible plan for me.

Ok, ADD - I'm bored of writing and going to get lunch.

The way it should be...

...is rarely the way it is. But there is nothing you can do about it but learn and move forward.

Today was my EDD for Pumpkin. Today was hard. I should have spent it welcoming my sweet baby into the world. It hurts so deeply still, but surprisingly, I am feeling strong and kind of snarky today. I would do anything to have met my little one today, and it still breaks my heart that it didn't work out that way. It breaks my heart that I've had another loss since then. That so many of my friends are going through the same thing. That my husband is about to leave for war.

All those things and more break my heart. Are any of these things fair? No. Is that life? Yes.

There are days I'd like nothing more than to curl up in a hole and cry myself into oblivion. But it's not always possible. And frankly, it's not going to do me any good. It is so frustrating to hear people whine about things I'd be thrilled for. Complain about situations that they chose for themselves.

That's why when people ask how I handle Justin deploying and the things that come with the Army schedule, I say "I just do." What other choice do I have? I knew full well the sacrifices I'd have to make in this life. Being stationed wherever Justin is needed was part of the deal. We make less money than we are accustomed to having, but again, that's part of the package. You just do it. You make the most of the life you chose. You learn to deal with the things that happen that you can't control.

I'm just over it. Over the warped sense of entitlement people have. Over thinking the world is fair and just. I spent my whole life in a world that cared about what they saw on the outside. Busting my ass to have this shiny little life. I thought I was happy in that world.

And then I fell in love with a man so completely opposite of all that. Who saw me for me, and loved me no matter what. I realized that things are just that. Things. I'd live in a box in a town I hated if it meant being with him. Material things come and go, but love like what we have is so much stronger than that. It means everything to me to have this man as my husband, and God willing, for us to have a family.

We miss our babies every single day. We always will. So no, today was not how it *should* have been. But today, at this moment, this is our life. Mommy and Daddy love you, Savannah. We didn't get to meet you today, but one day, we will hold you in our arms.