Moving forward.

When I started this blog, I did it for myself. I needed to write - as if it were to the world - but for only me to see. Even though I haven't posted many entries, it has helped me heal so much. It's been three months since my surgery where they took my Pumpkin away. The three hardest  months of my life. But lately, something new has started to break through the pain. Hope.

I have hope again. I have fun again. I can look toward the future, and trying again without being broken hearted and terrified. And with all this - I'm no longer trying to hide what I've been through. Losing a child isn't something I'd wish on anyone. It's the worst thing I've ever been through, and I will never be the same. And unless someone has been through it - they can never understand. It's a club that no one wants to join. But it's also taboo. No one talks about it. No one knows what to say. And I certainly can understand to a point, because I'm just at a very different place in my life than most of my friends. But it's still quite hard when people who you thought were your best friends stop keeping up with you because of it. I am STILL ME. This is a part of me now, but it doesn't define me. Why can't I talk to my friends about the good and the bad parts of my life, the way I listen to their ups and downs? How is it fair that they want me to spend my time and money to fly home and visit, when they can't even call when they say they will? I love that quote... "If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." So true. And I'm done with the fair weather friends who expect so much without giving anything in return. And I feel great about it.

I am also very lucky to have some new friends in Texas. I have friends that I adore from all different backgrounds and all at different points in their lives. But it's also nice to have people that are going through the same things as you. My new friends here are my age, out of college, and also Army couples. What time we've spent together has been so fun, and has meant more to me than they may realize.

I have realized in the last few weeks that as much as I miss home and my family and friends... my life is here now. Justin and I have a real home, that I have worked so hard on. He's got his career, that I am so proud of him for. I'm back in school. We have great friends. Our cats adore it here. We love that we can run to Dallas or Austin (our fav) for the weekend. It fits us. Texas is home.

I'm happy. I can't remember the last time I could say that.