Infertility. There I said it.

Infertile. That's what I'm officially labeled as of today according to my insurance. That rips me apart to use that term. AF showed up, making it one year of trying with nothing to show for it but a broken heart. I never imagined I'd be this girl. No one ever expects to be. Yet here I am, making calls to go to specialists and get testing, and doing everything I can to find some answers and hopefully a solution before Justin deploys. I hate this, this sucks so badly. And it doesn't help than in the last year I've had to see countless people have healthy unplanned, unwanted pregnancies. It's infuriating. I know I'm not meant to understand why things happen like they do. I know life in unfair. But it is still 10 kinds of effed up to see my beautiful, amazing, selfless, thoughtful friends want a family so badly and go through hell to try for one - all while seeing girls use the kids they never had to try for as nothing more than an accessory, a blackmail tool, and a meal ticket. It's sickening.

And the worst part of all of this I think is to know how much my husband hurts. To not feel guilty, and like he got the short end of the stick -- a broken wife. He's been a rock. There for me when I cry, or scream, or shut down. Willing to try anything and everything to help. And then I have to see that look on his face when I tell him it didn't happen this month. Again. I hate it hate it hate it.

And of course he has known exactly the right thing to say to make me feel better. I told him I was sorry I was broken and that I broke our baby. And he tells me it's not true, holds me, and tells me it all be okay. And then he says something amazing...

He tells me that he'd rather us have a tough road than one where we take everything for granted. We've seen first hand what happens when people opt for instant gratification over working for something. They fall flat on their face once they get what they thought they wanted. Things have rarely been easy for us in the 4+years we've been together, and we are all the stronger because of it. I'm so proud of our marriage and our life together. He's my best friend. He's the love of my life. He's my favorite person in the world. We have a strong, solid foundation, and are on the same page with every major challenge or goal. We will have a child, and we will be that more more grateful for that blessing. Love a child that more more because we know what we've overcome to have them.

So I have hope. I have faith. But I still have a deep heartache. All I've done is cry all day. Justin wants to go swim tonight, so I'm hoping that will help. I figure I'll just swim laps until I can't move my arms anymore, and get as much of the hurt out as I can.

I got an appointment at 730 tomorrow morning to do my IF consult. Then I'll get a referral to an RE or to the IF Clinic on post. We will see. Until then, I'm going to keep praying. Keep trying. Keep overcoming whatever obstacles that are placed in our path.