Me Time.

I miss my husband terribly. I hope he knows how incredibly proud of him I am, and how much I love him. This first deployment is a big deal. He's going to be changing and growing as a person in his time away, and I feel I owe it to myself to be doing the same.

I'm not one of those people who can sit around and do nothing. I have big plans for spending my "me time" while DH is away, and I hope I can accomplish all my goals in this next year. These are the things I'm planning to do:

It might sounds a little Stepford, but I like to learn how to do more typical "wife" things. To the great disappointment of my ILs, I do not have dinner ready on the table each day when DH would get home from work. I'm just not that girl. However, I would like to learn to cook. There are 6 things that I can cook from scratch, and one of them, I literally blew up last week. As in, the glass pan literally exploded. Don't ask. My friend and I are also going to take the Wilton cake decorating class, and I'm really excited for that.

I would also like to learn how to sew. My Grandma gave me her sewing machine before she passed away, and I think it's time I learn how to put it to good use. Taking up closet space still in the box is not good use. I have been looking for new throw pillows for the couch since we are redoing the living room. I can't find anything I like, and if I do, it's insanely expensive. It's a square of material stuffed with fluff for goodness sake - surely I can handle that! Famous last words, perhaps, but I'm going to try.

I want to be in better shape, and I'm going to do something about it. I am psyched to start back at Tae Kwon Do (I took it for 10 years when I was younger) and dancing again. I'm going to take line dancing classes, as well as jazz and tap.

I've almost finished getting everything to redecorate the house, too. That's been a great therapy, actually - knowing that I'm getting everything finished and comfortable for me, and for when Justin comes home.

Lastly, I'm still waiting on my referral to my new RE. Hopefully we can get the ball rolling on the repeat loss testing they want to do, as well as the HSG and possibly other things. I'm ready to start preparing for IUI's, but obviously I can't move forward until I've gotten all my results, and hopefully some answers, so that we can get the best possible plan for me.

Ok, ADD - I'm bored of writing and going to get lunch.

The way it should be...

...is rarely the way it is. But there is nothing you can do about it but learn and move forward.

Today was my EDD for Pumpkin. Today was hard. I should have spent it welcoming my sweet baby into the world. It hurts so deeply still, but surprisingly, I am feeling strong and kind of snarky today. I would do anything to have met my little one today, and it still breaks my heart that it didn't work out that way. It breaks my heart that I've had another loss since then. That so many of my friends are going through the same thing. That my husband is about to leave for war.

All those things and more break my heart. Are any of these things fair? No. Is that life? Yes.

There are days I'd like nothing more than to curl up in a hole and cry myself into oblivion. But it's not always possible. And frankly, it's not going to do me any good. It is so frustrating to hear people whine about things I'd be thrilled for. Complain about situations that they chose for themselves.

That's why when people ask how I handle Justin deploying and the things that come with the Army schedule, I say "I just do." What other choice do I have? I knew full well the sacrifices I'd have to make in this life. Being stationed wherever Justin is needed was part of the deal. We make less money than we are accustomed to having, but again, that's part of the package. You just do it. You make the most of the life you chose. You learn to deal with the things that happen that you can't control.

I'm just over it. Over the warped sense of entitlement people have. Over thinking the world is fair and just. I spent my whole life in a world that cared about what they saw on the outside. Busting my ass to have this shiny little life. I thought I was happy in that world.

And then I fell in love with a man so completely opposite of all that. Who saw me for me, and loved me no matter what. I realized that things are just that. Things. I'd live in a box in a town I hated if it meant being with him. Material things come and go, but love like what we have is so much stronger than that. It means everything to me to have this man as my husband, and God willing, for us to have a family.

We miss our babies every single day. We always will. So no, today was not how it *should* have been. But today, at this moment, this is our life. Mommy and Daddy love you, Savannah. We didn't get to meet you today, but one day, we will hold you in our arms.

Changed My Mind.

I was going to stay away from the blogs for a while, but I'm angry and I need to get it out.

Last week shared that I was ecstatic that I was going to share my pregnancy journey with one of my best friends. We'd been through so much together, and we were thrilled to have it work out this way.

We got our BFPs within about a day of each other, and now we are miscarrying within a day of each other. WTF.

Dear universe,
  This is SO NOT what I meant when I hoped and prayed we would get to go through this journey together. Perhaps I should have been more specific.
  Kbye.

  PS I hate you.

Becca, love - I am so sorry. I am here for you anytime in anyway I can be. I love you.

Oh, and while this was starting for her, she said the most heart-wrenching, beautiful thing to me.

"I guess our babies just wanted to be together sooner."

Knife, meet heart. This is not how it was supposed to be. It is not okay or fair that my amazing friend has to hurt like this. That our babies don't get to grow up and be friends on earth, by our sides. That our babies don't get to grow up at all.

I'm heartbroken. And pissed. I don't understand. I'll never understand. And I'm tired of people trying to tell me that it will be okay. Sorry, I'm not looking to the future much right now, I'm too busy mourning the events of the present. And those are VALID feelings. MY feelings. And I will grieve if I choose to. I told off the Dr. that came into my room at the ER to confirm that my beta's had plummeted. He said it so peppy and nonchalant, and goes "you're so young, you can try again!" STFU.

WTF is so hard to understand about that RIGHT NOW I'm losing another child. That RIGHT NOW that is crushing me. How in the hell does the fact that I have years ahead of me to try for another baby makes people think I shouldn't be devastated that I've lost THIS baby. I wanted THIS baby.

I'm broken. In so many ways. I'm so beyond sad for myself, for Becca, for my other amazing, deserving friends that are going through this. For my husband, who deserves to be a father and has to go away to effing Afghanistan broken hearted and worried about me.

And I can't even break down yet. I won't do that to him while he's still here. They pushed back his leaving to be with me for this, which I wholeheartedly appreciate - because I would lose it if he was gone already.  But I also don't want our last bit of time together to be spent like that, because he's going through this too. He hurts too.

None of this is okay.

And Just Like That, It's Over.

After spending 7 hours in the ER last night, we lost another baby. I am numb and heartbroken, and angry.

Thank goodness for my friends - my elephants. And for my amazing husband, who should have been coming back from deployment to our baby. Not fair. Not okay.

That's all. No more blogs for a while.

We All Need Somebody to Lean On.

I don't know what I would do without my friends. I've been so blessed to make the friends I have on my board. I never expected to connect like this with women I don't even know in real life, but we've been there to support each other, understand each other, and laugh and cry with each other. I've also been lucky enough to have a good handful group of girls I now consider some of my best friends.

What's really amazing right now is that through the last 6 months, we've all been at different places in our struggles, cycles, and plans. My "buddy" and I have been on opposite ends of the spectrum. I've had 26 day cycles, with late O/LPD combo, and she's had a 100 day cycle and no O. Yet I've had this feeling that we would be doing this together. Something in my head that said when it happened for one of us, it would happen for both of us. I chalked it up to wishful thinking. Until it happened.

Becca and I have talked for months about me visiting and us having matching baby bumps. Sharing so many positive thoughts and prayers for BFPs each cycle, even though we were normally testing at different times. Even when it was easy to lose hope, she always kept me so optimistic. I don't know what I'd have done without her in my life the last 6 months. She helped me keep belief in my heart that things would work out, and to have faith in God. Last week, she got her BFP too! 2 days after me, and we are due 2 days apart. I can't even explain how happy it makes my heart that we are in this together. I am so looking forward to visiting her and going shopping for our little ones. She is truly one of my best friends, and she understands my feelings better anyone I know. I love you, Becca - and your growing little one, too!

The last week or two in general was a huge wave with the board. I am so happy and blessed to also be sharing my due date week with my dear friends Celeste and Val! Stick babies, grow babies! We all want to meet our little February bundles of joy.

Wonderful Weekend.

Justin and I have been making the absolute most of our time together. We've been going to whatever restaurants he wanted to go to, which has been fun but bittersweet because we know each time that it's our last trip there together for the next year. Going to movies, going on trips - just anything we feel like doing while we still can. Thursday night we went bowling on base. We went bowling on our first date 4 and a half years ago, and we still enjoy going together! On Friday, we went to see Killers, which was pretty funny. On Saturday we went to the lake for the day, which was so fun. We swam, lounged on on the beach, and Justin got to do the water slides.



Sunday was of course Father's Day, and I wanted it to be special for Justin. Mother's Day was a pretty big fail, but yesterday we certainly had something to celebrate. I made him a car from the cats, Pumpkin Angel, and Baby Longhorn and he loved it. We went to lunch at our favorite mexican restaurant, and tried out a new church last night.

We chose to try this church because they had an evening service, but now I feel like we found it for a reason. We'd yet to find a home church in our 9 months in Texas, and it kind of stinks that we find it right before Justin leaves, but we are still so grateful. I'm thrilled that I will have this church to be a part of while he is away. Before the service actually started, the pastor made a few announcements. One of them was looking for a few more volunteers for Vacation Bible School, and Justin just looked at me and smiled. It felt right, and I wanted to get involved, so in July I'll be teaching VBS! I met a great woman who runs a lot of the youth events, and I look forward to joining a women's group as well.

As much as I don't want Justin to leave, things are at least coming together for while he's gone. I know that is helping out Justin's mind at ease - and that's the most important thing. He's going to have enough on his mind, and I don't want him too worried about me. I knew this was in the Army Wife job description when Justin and I decided to commit to this lifestyle. My husband is my hero, and I'm so proud of what he's doing. It's my job to support him, and that's what I'm going to do. He's so strong for me, and I owe the same thing to him. I'm so lucky to have him as my husband.

Elephant love.

Elephant fact: 
When a mother elephant loses her baby, the herd will stand around her, supporting her, for as long as it takes her to be ready to move forward. Even years later, elephant have been observed revisiting the site where one of their herd or family had died. They will remain here for days at a time, mourning the loss of that one.

My heart goes out to the amazing women I know going through this again. Sending you lots of love. I'm so sorry, and I'm here for you if there is ever anything I can do. (HUGS)

The power of prayer...

...is astounding. God is so good.

"For this Child, I have prayed..."
-1 Samuel 1:27-

Miracles happen. I got mine yesterday.



I'm ecstatic. Nervous. Grateful. And about 10 other emotions that can't be conveyed in words. Justin leaves this month for deployment. This was our last chance to start a family for the next year, and we were trying to be positive without setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Which I guess, is the same boat I'm still in. Cautiously optimistic, I should say.

I always hated the cliche "everything happens for a reason" when people tried to comfort me about losing Savannah. It hurt to think I lost her for a reason, but I'm starting to learn more that God really does have a plan for us, and we just can't see it at the time.

This was our miracle BFP after all we've been through and with the obstacle of the deployment. Justin's scheduled R&R falls when I'm due - and I wasn't pregnant when he requested those dates. I just have to believe that there is a reason the timing worked out like it did, and that this will be our take home baby.

I miss Pumpkin. I will love her forever, and she will always be our first baby. But I also think about that I was due July 11. Justin would have come home next year to a 1 year old that didn't know who he was. Now I would obviously rather have dealt with that situation that to have lost her, but like to think our angel baby is looking out for her little brother or sister. That there will be a baby that we never would have known if we hadn't gone through losing SG. That there was a reason for it after all. My heart needs to believe that.

I am praying everyday that this baby grows stronger and bigger. Praying for the safety of their Daddy and the other men and women serving around the world. That Daddy will get to meet them when he comes home from war. That he or she will be healthy and happy and know how much we love them. Please little baby, stick with me. I promise you, Daddy and I will love you more than anything.

I guess that's about all for now!

I've taken the link to this blog off of my Facebook. The only people that know about the new baby are the girls on my board, and my parents. I would appreciate if anyone reading is my friend on Facebook, that you not mention it on there so I may share with family in my own time. Thank you!

Well, that's just lovely.

I knew it was coming. I was getting to that age where the distance between where I'm at with life, and where some of my friends are, was just too vast to bridge. It's happened slowly but surely. Not to mention painfully. Little by little the people I spent my fun and free college days with have dropped from my life. I look at my amazing husband, and forget sometimes that we aren't the same 20 year old kids that think love, and a few cold drinks, is all you need in life. But we aren't those kids anymore.

We are 5 years older, a little bit wiser, and have slightly different priorities. I'm still crazy in love with Justin, just like I have been for years, and I'm lucky to have him as a husband and best friend. But we've changed. We've grown up together, and grown stronger as a couple. It's necessary to do that to keep a strong, healthy relationship - whether it's as husband as wife, or in friendships.

I lost someone from my life today that I didn't expect. I thought we had done such a good job growing in the same directions, had seen each other through some dark days, and some great times. Today I realized that sometimes, even if you think you're on the same page with someone, you might actually be in different books. When that happens, it's best just to just turn the page in your own book, and move forward. It hurts. Pretty deeply. It makes you question years of a relationship that maybe wasn't what you thought it was. But like they say - sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

If you read the blog, you already know that my husband will be heading to Afghanistan very soon. The last thing I have is the time, patience, or energy to deal with drama. I'm still young, but I'm too old for that. If there is one thing I've learned from all that I've been through this year, it's that you find out who you friends are when things go bad. A real friend will happily support you, be a shoulder for you, and won't judge you - because they know you'll do the same for them. If someone expects those things from you, yet only tolerates you when you're not at your best - they aren't worth it.

I'm going to be okay. For every friend I've lost due to time, age, or situation - I've gained a wonderful one. I have amazing women in my life who respect where I'm coming from. Respect me. I am so blessed to have them.

Time To Play Catch Up.

So I've been a massive blog slacker! Actually, it's just been a shift in priorities and this, and a lot of my internet time, have not made the cut. Justin will be deploying soon, and as much as possible, my time has been his. However, right now he is happily occupied with the Wii, so I thought I'd try and recap our life lately.

We went home at the beginning of May to NC. It was so nice to be able to go home, relax, and see our families. We also got to spend a night in our college town to see friends, and we had a blast. It was a much needed trip overall, and we were fortunate to get to make it.

I've been feeling a lot better lately. I'm eating completely differently. Better. And my friend Becca and I have been workout buddies with the 30 Day Shred! I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks with such simple changes. I have more energy, better self esteem, and I just feel good. It's a nice change.

The last 2 weeks have gone by pretty quickly - though that seems to be the case the closer it gets to Justin leaving. I do not like it one bit. He's had a ton to do to get ready, and things have been kind of crazy. This past weekend was nice though, because he got a 4 day holiday for Memorial Day. Last night we had a cookout with our neighbors and some other friends, and it was a lot of fun. We also got a giant kiddy pool that we've been thoroughly enjoying in this nice hot weather. Plus beer. Also enjoyable.

We've gotten all out blood work back from the RE, and all is well. In fact all of the testing we've gone through so far has come back normal. Which is good, yes, but it's hard not to have answers. I'm on 100 mg Clomid this cycle (currently CD15) and honestly, I'm not going to stress about this cycle. My husband, my very best friend, the love of my life - is about to go to Afghanistan for a year. I'm going to enjoy my time with him, and not freak out about the IF issues. We've done all we can at this point, and that's that.

We are going to Austin this weekend, our favorite! We managed to get a suite on 6th Street downtown, so we don't have to worry about traffic or a cab to go out. Thanks to an awesome tip from one of the TTCAL girls, we scored 2 gift certificates for each night we are staying for dinners! One to our favorite chinese place in Chinatown Center, and another to a rooftop place downtown. Very excited! I'm also lamely excited to go to Whole Foods. I've recently gone back vegetarian and there just isn't a lot of variety around here for that. I just can't wait for the trip, I know it will be so much fun. We just want to make the very most of the time we have together.

I'm going to miss him like I can't even describe. It breaks my heart and he's not even gone yet. It's been helping me a little to make plans. I'm trying to find us a new house, so that he's got something great to come home to. I'm going to be in school. I'm going to take Tae Kwon Do. I'm going to take dance. And I've been planning stuff for us to do on his R&R and when he gets home. It's helping by having things to look forward to.

Anyhow, I'm getting sad and I don't want to be, so I'm going to spend some time with the hubs.