Moving forward.

When I started this blog, I did it for myself. I needed to write - as if it were to the world - but for only me to see. Even though I haven't posted many entries, it has helped me heal so much. It's been three months since my surgery where they took my Pumpkin away. The three hardest  months of my life. But lately, something new has started to break through the pain. Hope.

I have hope again. I have fun again. I can look toward the future, and trying again without being broken hearted and terrified. And with all this - I'm no longer trying to hide what I've been through. Losing a child isn't something I'd wish on anyone. It's the worst thing I've ever been through, and I will never be the same. And unless someone has been through it - they can never understand. It's a club that no one wants to join. But it's also taboo. No one talks about it. No one knows what to say. And I certainly can understand to a point, because I'm just at a very different place in my life than most of my friends. But it's still quite hard when people who you thought were your best friends stop keeping up with you because of it. I am STILL ME. This is a part of me now, but it doesn't define me. Why can't I talk to my friends about the good and the bad parts of my life, the way I listen to their ups and downs? How is it fair that they want me to spend my time and money to fly home and visit, when they can't even call when they say they will? I love that quote... "If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." So true. And I'm done with the fair weather friends who expect so much without giving anything in return. And I feel great about it.

I am also very lucky to have some new friends in Texas. I have friends that I adore from all different backgrounds and all at different points in their lives. But it's also nice to have people that are going through the same things as you. My new friends here are my age, out of college, and also Army couples. What time we've spent together has been so fun, and has meant more to me than they may realize.

I have realized in the last few weeks that as much as I miss home and my family and friends... my life is here now. Justin and I have a real home, that I have worked so hard on. He's got his career, that I am so proud of him for. I'm back in school. We have great friends. Our cats adore it here. We love that we can run to Dallas or Austin (our fav) for the weekend. It fits us. Texas is home.

I'm happy. I can't remember the last time I could say that.

4 years ago and ADD ranting.

It's late and I can't sleep. So I write, although I know it will probably read like an excerpt from the ADD Chronicles. So I will spill the last week onto the screen, and hope that the jumble of thoughts and feelings stunk inside my mind will be somewhat cleared out upon typing them all out. That some of these wounds will begin to heal.

I will start with our Christmas. Bah humbug. I managed to drink my way through the holidays with very little crying. We opted not to get a Christmas tree, or exchange gifts, and instead enjoyed Justin having time off, and helping each other through what should have been an incredibly happy time of year. For us, that meant having some drinks and trying to have some fun to take our minds off it all. DH and I found a new game for the Wii with party games, including beer pong. It was nice to pretend for a while that we were still those 20 year old college kids who had nothing more to worry about than making sure we got to the bus to downtown on time.

It's odd to think that 4 years ago (December 27, 2005) I met the man I was going to spend my life with. Granted, I thought he was a thunder douche at the time, but he changed, and so did I. Change was so much easier back then. Everything was. We were stupid, crazy kids, right in the middle of college, with hardly a care in the world. By March of 2006, we were inseparable, and have been ever since. So often we wish we could go back and do it all again. Where one tiny check a month paid for every living expense we had, and everything extra was fun money. We thought looking far into the future was prepping for finals, and the biggest upcoming events were ours and our friends 21st birthdays. It's only been a few years since that was our life, but it feels like decades when I look at where we are now.

Our life now is crazy Army schedules (I never thought I'd end up an Army wife) me going back to school to study law, and "fun money" meaning we can go to the PX for groceries and things for the house. It's leaning on each other over the heartbreak of losing our baby, instead of over sorority or fraternity drama. It's paying bills instead of going out every night and never thinking twice about it. It's enjoying time at home with our furbaby cats instead of parties with our friends. It's learning how true the term "unconditional love" is, and realizing how lucky I am to be married to my very best friend. It's growing up.

We realized this week that losing our Pumpkin was something we would never get over. It's something we will get through. Together. I feel a stronger connection to my husband after going through this. I'm so blessed to have him, because he's really been amazing. We aren't cleared to try again until the new year, so we've decided to continue attempting the carefree, fun mindset for the rest of 2009. I have my follow up appointment from the D&C on Thursday morning - New Year's Eve. Justin has the day off, and we're going to go out and have a good time afterwards, as I'm sure we're going to be back in a sad place after the appointment.

With the exception of some really low days, I've been in a better mindset since the surgery. We were hoping to know from the pathology what gender our Pumpkin was, but at 11 weeks, we won't get to find out. But we have both had very strong feelings from the start that it was a little girl. In fact, it's heartbreaking and somewhat creepy, but I had a dream about her the day before we found out we would lose her. In my dream, I flew to visit Heaven to ask God to save my baby. When I got there, I saw my beautiful little girl, already there. In my dream, I had named her - Savannah Grace. It was very strange, waking up after a dream like that. I hoped it had meant God heard my prayers, and it would be good news at the appointment (I'd had a feel like something wasn't right) But now? Now I take a great comfort in that maybe God was showing me that while it might not be on Earth, I would meet my baby someday, and until then, she is safe and happy with Him. A few days ago I stumbled onto this song, and it just broke my heart in the most bittersweet way.

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you all my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time, such a long road
All this madness, but I know
That the silence has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you all my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

-Selah-

I told DH about my dream, and it really got to him, too. With our need for some closure, the strong feelings we had about it being a girl, and the dream, we named our little Pumpkin. Our baby is not "it", and is not "the miscarriage." Our baby is Savannah Grace. She will always be our daughter, and she will always be loved and missed.

The Day We Said Goodbye.

12-17-09
We got the hospital at 530 am. DH was so sweet, and he had bought me new pajamas so that I would be comfortable on the way there and afterwards. They are pink and super soft fleece, and it's amazing how the smallest things can help the most. I brought Pumpkin's blanket with me, along with a tiny bear, that once was mine, that my mom had sent before we found out something was wrong. We sat in a room full of other pre-op patients, separated only by thin curtains, and I got dressed and had my IV started. Eventually DH was sent to the waiting room, and I was taken back. I was questioned and briefed by multiple Drs. and nurses, and cried the whole time.

I know they see patients in who have lost their babies all the time, but only one nurse said that she was sorry. Her name was Roxy, she was going to be my OR nurse, and she was my absolute saving grace. She was the last person to talk with me before I went into the OR. She sat down, held my hand, and told me that she was so sorry that we lost our little one. She have my hopeful stories of other people she had seen go through this, and how so many of them went to have healthy forever babies right after their D&Cs. Then she asked what my favorite alcoholic drink was. I laughed and told her margaritas. Then she started my anesthesia and told me to pretend I was at the beach, being served however many margaritas it took for me to get a nice buzz. It was a wonderful way for me to go to sleep more lighthearted, and I really appreciated that she cared about me.

I woke up in the labor and delivery/peds recovery room. Joy. I started crying as soon as I came to, realizing that my baby was actually gone. That was followed by the worst pain I can ever remember, and the need for morphine. Lots of morphine. The rest of the day was a blur. I eventually made it to my own room, where I got juice and crackers, and DH. He helped me get dressed, and we left, with empty arms and broken hearts.

I had 5 Rxs, and DH didn't feel comfortable leaving me at home so soon after to go get them. So off to Walmart we went. Ugh. I couldn't walk, so they set me up with a motor chair shopping cart. We wanted a regular wheel, but no such luck. Not that I know from experience, but I felt like I was driving drunk. DH was nervous about me taking people out in the cart, but I got the hang of it, and we loaded up on all the lovely post-op necessities. Juice and soup and pads and medicines, oh my.

I slept most of the day when I got home, and DH woke me up when he came to bed. He carefully crawled over to me, and out his head on my tummy. He whispered "It makes me feel so empty inside to know she's not in there anymore." Which of course caused us both to cry all over again. I don't know how long it will take us to get through this, I only know that we will get through it together.

Our roller coaster so far.

10-30-09
DH and I went to Dallas the day before Halloween. That night, we went to see a Dallas Stars hockey game and stayed at a beautiful hotel. As we were getting ready for bed, I was getting these little stretching sensations. DH asked what was wrong, and I told him I just had this feeling that that meant I was pregnant. In fact, I actually said "I'm 100% sure that's what going on." I just knew. When we went to bed, DH was coughing, and I told him not to get me sick. He responded "Yeah, I don't want you to get sick. And I don't want my baby sick!" We just felt so sure. It felt right. I took a test the next morning, and sure enough, BFP! We were over the moon.

11-3-09
My first appointment! Not very eventful, just a lot of papers. But they did do a test to confirm, and hearing it from the Dr. just made everything seem real. That was when the real excitement kicked in for DH I think. We set up an appointment for a few weeks later, and our journey started!

11-16-09
DH was in the field for the week during my first appointment, so a good friend came with me instead. I was nervous, but excited to get my first ultrasound at such an early date. By my LMP and O date, I should have been 6w1d along. Baby measured between 5w3d and 5w5d and we were only able to see the gestational sac and the start of a yolk sac. Dr. didn't seem worried at all, and said that Pumpkin could have implanted late, or is just taking her time growing. We set up another u/s for 2 weeks later, which would give plenty of time to let the heart beat start. I took it easy, and tried to be patient in my wait.

11-26-09
Thanksgiving. Each year, my dad's entire side of the family gets together for the holiday. We lost my grandmother last October, and the event was moved from NC to VA. I had to miss it last year, because they wouldn't give my husband the day off of work. We had just gotten married that August, and I couldn't leave him to come home to an empty house on our first married Thanksgiving. This year, we had to miss it again, as DH joined the Army in january of this year, and we were assigned to our first duty station at Fort Hood Texas, reporting in September. Everything had been going so well. No pain, so spotting, lots of oh so fun symptoms. So I wanted to take advantage of having my family all together. We made announcement cards for each individual family, and as they opened it, my mom took a picture of their reactions. Everyone was so excited for us, and they are pictures I will always treasure.

11-29-09
The Sunday before my appointment (scheduled for 12-3) I woke up to some bleeding. No pain or cramps, but enough bright red blood to know something wasn't right. So to the hospital we went, and 5 hours later, we are able to be seen. They checked everything, and it seemed the bleeding wasn't coming from the baby, thank the Lord. They went ahead an did an ultrasound, which I was thrilled about, because their machine was state of the art. After the u/s was done, the Dr. came in to talk to me about everything. I should have been measuring 8 weeks exactly, and baby was measuring at 6 weeks 2 days. I knew that meant something bad, I knew my dates, and they sure as hell weren't off by that much. But they assured me that it was good that she had grown, and even better, we had a heartbeat. It was very low, only 50 bpm, but to them, that still meant there was hope. I didn't know what to think. She was trying to grow and trying to get stronger. We just prayed and prayed that out Pumpkin was a fighter, and went home to wait on pins and needles for our Thursday appointment.

12-3-09
Our long awaited appointment. We were hoping for a miracle, and a stronger heartbeat. We didn't get such luck. Dr. still was trying to be optimistic, but at 8w4d, baby still measured around 6 weeks. I broke down crying in the middle of the ultrasound, and didn't stop until we were leaving the office. I just had this intuition that something was wrong. We rescheduled, yet again, for a follow up. It was set for 12-10, and were starting to lose hope, but trying to be positive for our Pumpkin, even though I knew in my heart it was over. And looking back, it pisses me off that my Dr. was so optimistic about that I was just wrong about my dates. It was cruel to fill me with hope when there was no chance.

12-10-09
At 9w4d, Pumpkin still measured 6w1d. She just wasn't growing. Worse news, like something from a nightmare, I was diagnosed with a partial molar pregnancy. Now I had never of this, and neither had anyone I talked to. I was explained that grape-like cysts grow inside my uterus, that were aggressive in their growth, like a cancer. That is was a chromosomal 'mix-up' so to speak. A partial molar is generally supposed to be twins, but instead of the chromosomes splitting equally, the baby never splits, but it gets twice the chromosomes from the daddy. The baby can't survive, and the pregnancy must be ended. As if that wasn't heartbreaking enough, those aggressive growths, they can lead to cancer after the termination. Because of that, I would have to have weekly blood draws with an oncologist until my Beta numbers reached 0. If they didn't do so on their own, or at any point they started to rise, it would require chemotherapy. Once I hit 0 in my Betas, I would move to monthly blood draws for 6 months to a year, and we couldn't TTC again during that time. DH was set to deploy in that time frame. Not only we were we so upset over the loss of the baby - but we were terrified about my health after the D&C. We cried after the Dr. left the room. We went home, cried more, researched all weekend, and prayed for a miracle to come on Tuesday at my next appointment.

12-15-09
The dreaded appointment to see how much more aggressive the molar tissue had become, and to schedule my D&C. I've had melanoma scares a few times in the last 10 years, and I was so scared to see all those terrifying growths on the u/s screen again. Those horrible abnormal cysts in there with my poor little baby. We braced ourselves for the worst, and got worries when the Dr. looked confused. After a lot of moving the u/s around, he told us something that we weren't expecting. All signs of the molar pregnancy, all the growths... were gone. I broke down crying, sure I was dreaming. I had just said to my husband that morning "Is it naive to be hoping for a miracle that I know isn't coming?" And God, full or surprises as always, gave us a miracle after all. However, at 10w2d, baby still hadn't grown, and they couldn't find a heartbeat. Because we had the molar pregnancy scare, we decided to keep the D&C surgery scheduled, so that pathology could still be run and we would know for certain that there was nothing abnormal about the miscarriage. We were still beyond devastated over the loss of our little Pumpkin, but at least we had the hope of my better health, and being able to try again sooner. DH and I went home to spend the last 2 days of having our baby "with" us. The D&C was set for 12-17.

That's about all I can get through right now. I'll update about everything else soon. My heart just can't take anymore right now.