Nope.

14 dpo, and I knew days ago that this was a bust. I didn't bother continuing the progesterone after Sunday morning's BFN. I just need AF to show up *today* in order to not miss this cycle. DH leaves about 2 weeks for a training, and if today doesn't end up CD1, there is really no point in attempting anything, unless we can bump my meds up slightly, since last cycle was such a slow start.

Not that it may even matter. When I called my RE's office yesterday to tell them it was a no-go, I asked about how to set up my baseline for this upcoming cycle. That's when I was told my RE likes to do a break cycle after every.single.failed.attempt. No one had told me this before, and I don't know anyone who has had this policy with their RE. I'm not trying to question or disrespect his methods, but I'm not their typical patient. I drive a long way to get my care at their office, and I know they see very few military couples - so I have begged for an exception. I fought back tears the entire conversation with the nurse yesterday when I was telling her there were only 4, maybe 5, chances left before DH deploys. I begged her to talk to RE, and to please not take away half of our chances at this. I know it's tougher on my body, but I've never taken breaks between every cycle - to no ill effects. Plus, I'd have a year break if it doesn't work, as we don't plan on doing the IUI thing this time around. I waited from October to February for T.ricare to get my referrals correct to start this treatment. That's enough of a break. I'm terrified about when they call me back today.

DH is pissed about it. And last night we had a big sit-down about how all of this was changing me. The mess with the house, the home study, the treatment, the trainings and deployments... it's all so much. My way to deal with it has been to not get emotionally invested in it. I admitted that I make a great effort to become numb to the treatment cycle outcomes being a no - but I spend just as much effort shutting down in case it worked. I don't want to feel connected to the process at all, so that I'm not as hurt when it fails, either through BFNs, or through loss. I realize I'm doing this with the foster process, the uncertainty about our housing situation, etc., and it is seeping into my relationship with DH. He was so sweet, and so concerned - and incredibly careful about how he approached this with me, bless his heart. He says it's really hard for him to see me so apathetic to the things he knows we want so badly.

We used to joke that since I never did the rebellion thing with my parents, I must have been saving it for him - because he knew if there was something I wanted, that I was told I couldn't have, or would be incredibly difficult - it made me want it more. I'd work that much harder to prove that I could do it, could get it, could make it happen. He feels like these days I'd rather give up, say "oh well" and move onto the next thing than to let myself get wrapped up in how a set back or failure makes me feel. That was hard to hear, but he's right. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to me. He pointed out that it went as far as my reactions to completely unrelated things being influenced by all this. That when he picks on me, or goofs around like we always have, I just shrug it off lately, when I used to join right in. I'm keeping everything, and everyone at an arm's length, and that's only going to make things worse.

Something has got to give. The fake-it-'til-you-make-it bit didn't work for me, but shutting down to my entire life isn't the answer either. DH was so supportive and gave a great pep-talk, without coming off like he was trying to tell me what to do. He did a damn good job. He said he just wants me to be happy. Not to fake it. Not to disengage from things that have the potential to make me sad. That I just need to find in me, wherever I bottled it up inside, that fight that I used to have. Find it, use it, try harder, and rise above it. I know he believes I can do that, and I hope he's right.