It all just feels so fake, ya know? This idea that good things happen to good people. That there's magic in the world, and that the meek and the righteous will inherit it. Too many good people suffer for that to be true. Too many prayers go unanswered. And every day it just gets worse. Every day we ignore how truly broken this world is, and we tell ourselves it's all going to be okay. But it's not going to be okay. And once you know that, there's no going back. There's no magic in the world...at least today there isn't.
-One Tree Hill-


I'm not in depressed mode. At all actually. I just heard this quote while catching up on Tivo and it reminded me of my wonderful friends on TTCAL. How unfair it is that these amazing, giving, kind, women have to go through such awful things that they don't deserve. I do have dark days still once in a while. I just liked the way this was said, because on those dark days, sometimes you just can't find the words. 


I love you ladies. On your happiest or darkest days, I'm here. Just like I know you are for me, and I can't thank you enough for that.

International Babylost Mother's Day.

It falls on the first Sunday each May. This years was yesterday, May 2nd. This explantation of what this day means and honors comes from the Facebook page for the event. 

"United in grief, we find love and strength. IBMD recognizes babylost women all over the world as mothers. Just because a woman loses her first baby does not mean that she is not a mother anymore. She will be a mother for the rest of her life. On this special day in May we come together to celebrate our connection, our children and our hope for the future. IBMD is a day for love, peace, remembrance and recognition. If you know a babylost woman why not tell her today that she is a beautiful mother."

It meant so much to me to have friends acknowledge the day, what it meant, and our little Pumpkin angel. Everyone gets so caught up in Mother's Day next Sunday, and generally think there is only one definition of what a mother is. There's not. There are so many types of moms out there, and they are all equally important roles to the women that fill them.

I am the mommy to a beautiful angel baby. Pumpkin will always be my first baby, and she will be a great guardian angel big sister if we are blessed with another baby. I am also a mommy to my furbabies. They don't understand that they are cats. In their world, they are little people and I'm their momma. They love me and depend on me to take care of them. 

I don't expect everyone to understand where I'm coming from with those things. And frankly, I don't care, because they work for me, and that's what matters. That's what helps me heart feel healed and gives me peace. No, I don't expect you to understand my feelings, but I do expect that you respect them. I don't think people grasp how hurtful it is for them to pretend that I am not going through all this. I don't want sympathy, or puppies and rainbows. What I do want is for people I *thought* were my close friends to not completely ignore that I told them about the child I lost as if I never told them at all.

So to anyone out there that has a friend who has lost a child... you don't have to know exactly what to say. Just tell them your sorry, ask how they are once in a while, and acknowledge that they are going through something. Something that you don't understand, but that is still very real. If you expect them to listen to you whine about your job and be supportive - the least you can do is not blatantly ignore that they told you about their loss. That's just crappy.

So reach out to a friend that may be hurting, or needing a shoulder to lean on. This day is about recognizing all mothers, and supporting people. Happy IBMD to all my beautiful friends and mothers of angels.

Angels Among Us.

I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. As much as I hate the way I've met a lot of my new friends, I can't imagine life without them in it. That my heart can be touched so deeply by women I've never met in real life constantly amazes me.

The last week or so, I've been a mess for some reason. I haven't been particularly unhappy, in fact there are a lot of things I'm looking forward to. I think I've just been overwhelmed with so much going on. On Thursday, I got a message from a good friend - the amazing Becca - to check my mail.

That night I opened a box with a beautifully wrapped gift and hand made card inside. I cried before I'd even ripped off the paper, and the tears flowed freely when I saw this.





As I read the beautifully written card, I realized how lucky I was. The hardest thing I've ever gone through brought me to the greatest people I've ever known. Becca had bought herself this same Willow Tree angel in memory of her angel baby, and decided that I needed one too. Just because. It made my heart just swell to have such a beautiful person inside and out as a friend. Even though we haven't gotten to meet in real life yet, I'm so thankful to have her in my life. But we will meet, as I plan to fly up to see her later this year after Justin deploys, and we hope to have cute matching baby bumps to compare!

I just wanted to share this story again on here, and take another opportunity to say "thank you!" again. Becca, you are amazing and I love you!

A little positivity.

This has been circling the community I'm a part of, and so many of us have adapted it as a personal theme song - and with good reason. I'm sure this song was never intended to be about TTCAL, but the lyrics speak straight to my heart about exactly that struggle and process, being hopeful in the future.

This whole process is frustrating, heartbreaking, and exhausting emotionally. But no matter what I go through, if I get a healthy happy baby out of it, it's beyond worth it. So I wanted to share this song, because  it really does help me be more positive about it all.

~~~~~~~

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet
I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair in love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get

I just haven't met you yet...


-Michael Buble-

Infertility Awareness.

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

This is a long one.

I talked to my Dad on Thursday, and he's set to have more spinal surgeries (he's had 8 so far) in the months to come. The first one would be on the first day of Justin's pre-deployment leave, and there was no way he and my mom could come visit anymore. Justin and I were both really bummed out to not see them before he left. So my dad worked something out where we could fly home instead! We will be mostly at home with our parents, but plan on going to Greenville for just one night. It's a really last minute trip, but I'm looking forward to it. 

Anyhow, on Saturday we went to the pool on base with our neighbors. Justin and I have gotten into swimming, and I didn't realize how much I missed it. It's been a lot of fun. Afterwards we all went to Dairy Queen for Blizzards, yum.

When we get there, my neighbor saw a large dog laying outside. He's not getting up, but he's alert. I wanted to go check on him, but I've had to go through the months of rabies vaccinations before, and I was scared. But then we hear from the DQ people that the dog has been out there since noon, and they had called animal control then. It was 130 at the time and still no one had come. And that made me mad.

I decided we would take him water. Around that time another guy was heading out there, and the poor pup pees himself because he's scared. So we knew he wasn't vicious, and we sat down with him. It looked as if he'd been hit and rolled by a car and he was starting to give up. We got him to drink a little, and found tags on his collar for his vet. We called the vet on the tag, the no-kill shelter, and animal control 10 more times, and no one was doing anything. The other guy had to leave, but Justin and I stayed out there. After about 2 hours of sitting outside we flagged down cops from the main road. They were nice enough to stay out there with us and radio in help. 

Eventually, the shelter gets there and does the micro-chip scan. The cops radio animal control, who were on the way, and turns out the owners have been calling asking about someone finding him all day. The poor pup was 11 years old, and had run away the night before because he got really scared of a bad storm we were having. It just broke my heart that SO many people just drove right by, walked right by - and left him on the side of the road! UGH it still makes me so angry to think about it! AND that someone hit him in the first place and just left him there. I just hate people. But his owners came out to get him and take him to the vet and they were so happy and relieved and it just made everything worth it. What a day. 

While I'm Waiting.

I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting, I will serve You
While I’m waiting, I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait
-JW-

Infertility. There I said it.

Infertile. That's what I'm officially labeled as of today according to my insurance. That rips me apart to use that term. AF showed up, making it one year of trying with nothing to show for it but a broken heart. I never imagined I'd be this girl. No one ever expects to be. Yet here I am, making calls to go to specialists and get testing, and doing everything I can to find some answers and hopefully a solution before Justin deploys. I hate this, this sucks so badly. And it doesn't help than in the last year I've had to see countless people have healthy unplanned, unwanted pregnancies. It's infuriating. I know I'm not meant to understand why things happen like they do. I know life in unfair. But it is still 10 kinds of effed up to see my beautiful, amazing, selfless, thoughtful friends want a family so badly and go through hell to try for one - all while seeing girls use the kids they never had to try for as nothing more than an accessory, a blackmail tool, and a meal ticket. It's sickening.

And the worst part of all of this I think is to know how much my husband hurts. To not feel guilty, and like he got the short end of the stick -- a broken wife. He's been a rock. There for me when I cry, or scream, or shut down. Willing to try anything and everything to help. And then I have to see that look on his face when I tell him it didn't happen this month. Again. I hate it hate it hate it.

And of course he has known exactly the right thing to say to make me feel better. I told him I was sorry I was broken and that I broke our baby. And he tells me it's not true, holds me, and tells me it all be okay. And then he says something amazing...

He tells me that he'd rather us have a tough road than one where we take everything for granted. We've seen first hand what happens when people opt for instant gratification over working for something. They fall flat on their face once they get what they thought they wanted. Things have rarely been easy for us in the 4+years we've been together, and we are all the stronger because of it. I'm so proud of our marriage and our life together. He's my best friend. He's the love of my life. He's my favorite person in the world. We have a strong, solid foundation, and are on the same page with every major challenge or goal. We will have a child, and we will be that more more grateful for that blessing. Love a child that more more because we know what we've overcome to have them.

So I have hope. I have faith. But I still have a deep heartache. All I've done is cry all day. Justin wants to go swim tonight, so I'm hoping that will help. I figure I'll just swim laps until I can't move my arms anymore, and get as much of the hurt out as I can.

I got an appointment at 730 tomorrow morning to do my IF consult. Then I'll get a referral to an RE or to the IF Clinic on post. We will see. Until then, I'm going to keep praying. Keep trying. Keep overcoming whatever obstacles that are placed in our path.

My Furbabies.

I thought I needed a happy post, and since my furballs always make me happy, here it goes...

These sweeties made my day today. I was sitting in the recliner, and Carrie was asleep on the footrest. Kenny, wanting to lay with me, jumps up there too. There wasn't room for his 17 pound butt, so he just sat right on top of Carrie. Half of her little 7 pound self is under Kenny, and neither of them even cared. They just took a nap right there with me.



I adore them. I love sharing my furbabies!

This is Kenny. He was our first rescue, and we got him at the Pitt County Animal Shelter right after Justin and I moved in together in 2007. He'd been hit by a car, was missing half his tail, and was so sad and needy. He grabbed my jeans through his cage and cried. I picked him up, and he fell asleep purring on my shoulder. I knew we weren't leaving that shelter without him. He's rotten, huge now, and a total momma's boy.





Then there is Reba. She was in the cage above Kenny at the shelter. She'd been dropped off my her owners when she got pregnant. The shelter let her have her kittens, and all of them were adopted out. They were about to put her down (breaks my heart to this day) and Justin had fallen in love. We went back the next day and adopted her, too. She is daddy's girl, and freaks out when he's gone for too long!





Then, there are the twins! Every year before my beloved Grandma Gladys passed away, my dad's whole side of the family would go to her house for Thanksgiving. At Thanksgiving 2007, my Grandma's neighbors had a bunch of animals running around their yard. No food, water, or shelter for them. There were 4 tiny little kittens, and my family decided to save them. Justin told me he was going to surprise me with a shelter kitten for Christmas, but that these kittens needed us now. My uncle and my cousin each took a kitten.  We were going to just take one, but we couldn't leave the last kitten all alone. So Carrie, and little runt Cash were the final furball additions to our family! They are crazy, and so much fun. And because of their hard start in life, they were very stunted in their growth. Compared to 17 lb. Kenny and 15 lb. Reba, Carrie and Cash only weigh 7 and 5 lbs. respectively.




Carrie


Cash


I don't car how "crazy cat lady" it sounds, these babies fill the holes in my heart when it hurts. They are my only friends some days, and they know when I'm sad. They make me feel needed when I feel useless, which is a lot lately. When Justin was gone for 9 months training, they kept me company and make me smile. Because of all that, I thought they deserved an entry all their own.

Moving forward.

When I started this blog, I did it for myself. I needed to write - as if it were to the world - but for only me to see. Even though I haven't posted many entries, it has helped me heal so much. It's been three months since my surgery where they took my Pumpkin away. The three hardest  months of my life. But lately, something new has started to break through the pain. Hope.

I have hope again. I have fun again. I can look toward the future, and trying again without being broken hearted and terrified. And with all this - I'm no longer trying to hide what I've been through. Losing a child isn't something I'd wish on anyone. It's the worst thing I've ever been through, and I will never be the same. And unless someone has been through it - they can never understand. It's a club that no one wants to join. But it's also taboo. No one talks about it. No one knows what to say. And I certainly can understand to a point, because I'm just at a very different place in my life than most of my friends. But it's still quite hard when people who you thought were your best friends stop keeping up with you because of it. I am STILL ME. This is a part of me now, but it doesn't define me. Why can't I talk to my friends about the good and the bad parts of my life, the way I listen to their ups and downs? How is it fair that they want me to spend my time and money to fly home and visit, when they can't even call when they say they will? I love that quote... "If you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." So true. And I'm done with the fair weather friends who expect so much without giving anything in return. And I feel great about it.

I am also very lucky to have some new friends in Texas. I have friends that I adore from all different backgrounds and all at different points in their lives. But it's also nice to have people that are going through the same things as you. My new friends here are my age, out of college, and also Army couples. What time we've spent together has been so fun, and has meant more to me than they may realize.

I have realized in the last few weeks that as much as I miss home and my family and friends... my life is here now. Justin and I have a real home, that I have worked so hard on. He's got his career, that I am so proud of him for. I'm back in school. We have great friends. Our cats adore it here. We love that we can run to Dallas or Austin (our fav) for the weekend. It fits us. Texas is home.

I'm happy. I can't remember the last time I could say that.