The other shoe.

It always drops. Because I had one positive ANA test, and one negative, they redrew before the IUI. It came back positive again. IUI cancelled until further notice and I'm being sent to a rheumatologist. Hopefully I'll get in with that asap and they can figure out for sure if it's lupus like they suspect, or some other auto-immune disorder. No matter how it comes back, it's something that has to be addressed before anything can move forward with the IUI. I'm not willing to risk another loss obviously, and my health has to be the priority. I'm scared to pieces though, and it's hard to be without my husband in all this. Stupid ttcal.

In some good news, I did finally get a new car. I chose the 2010 Kia Soul, and it's so much fun. It's been needed for a long time, and I was able to make a great deal. We will keep the old car as a knock around daily driver for hubs when he comes home and we move to Tennessee. That way I can transfer my job to a TN location and go right to work when we get there. No more sharing a car, and that's a nice change.

Max!

These days.

I wake up and tear drops, they fall down like rain
I put on that old song we danced to, and then
I head off to my job, guess not much has changed
Punch the clock, head for home
Check the phone, just in case
Go to bed, dream of you, that's what I'm doing these days
-RF-

I really miss you Mav. I'm so proud of you.

Nothing that exciting going on. Shocker. Mostly just working as much as possible, trying to get time to go by faster. It's doing the trick for the most part, and I do like my job and the people I work with. I move to the new house house week which I'm excited for. Well, not excited about actually moving since I'm doing 99% of it by myself. But being moved in, settled, and have a new start without an empty 3rd bedroom haunting me? Yeah, that will be nice. I have a Dr's appointment on Wednesday to get things started. I'm actually going for it! It's finally time for the first IUI next cycle. We were hoping this would be at least attempt number 2 by now, but life had other plans. Keeping my fingers crossed though!

Oh, and for reason #29018314, the universe can go fuck itself. One of my very best friends has been going through another loss. I seriously can't wrap my head around how unfair the world is. Becca, as always, so much love sent your way, dear. ((hugs))

October 15: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

This day of observance is a national recognized event. Sadly, it is one unknown to many who are personally unaffected by these kinds of losses. There are so many wonderful, worthwhile causes out there that people spread the word about and lend support to, yet this one slips through the cracks all too often. Pregnancy loss, in some shape or form, affects ever 1 in 4 pregnancies. On average, 2000 babies are lost in this was each day in the US. Those are staggering and heartbreaking numbers.

Today is meant to bring awareness to this cause that is near and dear to my heart, as well as to the heart of many of my wonderful friends. Brave, strong, generous women who have gone through this, many of them multiple times. It's not fair, and it's not something any of us will ever understand. But what we can do is spread the word, share or stories, and maybe reach someone who needs support in their loss of losses as well. No one should have to suffer this kind of pain alone. Whether you have been through this yourself of not, open your heart to a friend or family member that could use your love and your shoulder to cry on.

Today is also about remembering the precious angels that were too beautiful for Earth. I have 2 angel babies that I never got to hold, but that touched my heart in the deepest ways. I loved them from the second I found out they existed, and that love does not go away just because they are no longer with me. They are both missed with all of mine and Justin's hearts.

Tonight, at 7 pm, I lit 2 candles in honor of my children as a part of the "Wave of Light" I was joined by my friends across the country, and countless women all over that I've never met. I said a prayer for them, the other mothers, and their angels - and I hope that my little ones and theirs know how much they are loved.

Happy/Hopeful Award!

The fabulous ~C~ over at The Port of Indecision has shared with me the Happy and Hopeful award! Like another lovely said, I think it's darkly humorous that this is going around our group, but I actually really like it. Despite how I feel a lot of the time, I know I have some great things to be grateful for, and I like that this pushes me to step back and recognize them. :)

Things that make me happy: My cats. Seriously, having them as company in this empty house is all that keeps me sane some days. It's so tough to be here with Justin away, and they make home a little less lonely.  My trip to go see Becca also makes me happy! I was so blessed to get the chance to visit her thanks to Mary, and I just got home today. She's been such an amazing friend to me, and we had a fabulous time. I'm also thrilled that I'm getting to talk to my soldier more. For a while it was extremely limited communication for us, so to be able to hear from him more often is amazing.

Things that make me hopeful: maybe actually getting to do an IUI soon! I am shooting for next cycle, so long as I can get in to my RE in time to set up the monitoring in time. Really, I'm just hopeful and optimistic for a fresh start with some things. I have my new job, which I really like so far. I found out last week that we got approved for the new place I'd been looking at. It's closer to work for me, and for when Justin gets back, and saves us some money each month which is always good. I'm really feeling good that some things are starting to work out. It's still hard not to be waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I'm trying to stay as positive as I can!

And now to pass it along, I want to share this award with...
Becca at Memoirs of a Girl
Celeste at Celeste's 101in1001
and Shannon at An Army Wife's Alaskan Adventure

Squee!

I am so excited. Thanks to my dear and generous friend Mary, I get to go to Illinois to see Becca! She had an available airline ticket that was needed to be used in a small window of time, and I was fortunate enough to have a schedule that could make it work. (Thank you again, Mary!)

So in a few weeks, I'll be taking a long weekend for a visit! Becca has been such an amazing friend to me the last nearly 8 months, and she's been there for me through so much. When I come home to an empty house, or I don't get to talk to my husband but once every week or 2, it's easy to fall into a sad and lonely rut. I don't know what I would do if it weren't for Becca and the other amazing ladies as my support. I am thrilled to have a chance to actually hang out with her, I know we are going to have a lot of fun!

Also, I've started my job, and I really like it so far. It's fun, gives me some spending money, and it will keep me busy - which is all I'm looking for while Justin's away. I'm looking at a house that's really close to work, and I'm thinking I will pick back up riding my bike to get there if I'm able to move.

When things get tough, you just have to fight that much harder for things that make you happy. :)

We will never forget.

Today we remember those who lost their lives on this day in 2001. Those how gave up theirs to save others, but on that day, in the years since by serving overseas. We remember the way the country was irrevocably changed. We are reminded of what our brave men and women of the armed forces, both home and abroad, are fighting for. What my husband, brother, and brother in law have all sworn to protect. I can't explain how proud I am of my husband today, and every day. I miss him so much while we are apart, but I am so lucky to have him. My husband, my hero. 

First appointment success!

Today was my consult at the fertility clinic, and I really feel good about my choice. I'm so used to a new Dr. taking one look at part of my file, and having them assume they know everything about me, and I'm happy to say that's not the case here. She will be my assigned Dr., and I'll have one nurse assigned to me as well, so I'm thrilled that I will have more consistent, one on one care.

She ordered another round of blood work to do asap. I'll start an antibiotic on CD 2, do a CD 3 blood draw, and hopefully the following cycle will be the IUI. I was worried about my meds being covered, but for this first time, we are just going to do either Clomid or Femera, u/s monitoring, and then a trigger if everything looks good to do the procedure. Luckily those meds are covered, and we will cross the bridge of further meds if it comes to it. For now it's just getting everything taken care of, and waiting, but it feels really good to have this plan and schedule.

I've put in some job apps and I'm hoping to hear back this week. I've got frame orders rolling, too, so that's fun. :) That'll be more a side project if I get one of these jobs though. I mean, it really is just a for kicks thing already, but I enjoy doing it. Running and healthy eating program is going well and I feel great. I'm also only going to keep positive people in my life. Not in the puppies and rainbows way, but rather in that they are positive influences. I try hard despite whatever is going on to be a good friend to people, and don't have the patience or enough capacity for hurting left over to surround myself with those who only look out for themselves. I have been blessed with a wonderful group of girls that I wouldn't trade for anything. They've shown me what true friendship means, and at this point, true friends are the only ones worth having.

Run, run away, it's just a matter of time.

Running in Texas is hot. I have been getting up earlier and earlier each day (so far only on day 3) but it's like no matter how early I try, it's unbearably hot. Dang Texas. I'm considering adjusting my temping schedule and getting up right after the sun rises instead.

But I love it already. I'm running until I'm nauseous, and even though I feel like crap right after, it doesn't take long to feel amazing. Energized, less stress, stronger - it's wonderful. I don't think I realized how badly I'd let myself get down. The last 2 months have been a blur of the loss of LL, Justin deploying, countless medical tests and hoops to jump through, and trying to get everything that's been neglected taken care of. I push the sadness, the worry, and the frustration down and bottle it up inside. I have a few great friends there are there to listen to me vent, but I tend to play-down a lot of what I'm feeling. I'm afraid that if I let it all out, it will overwhelm me, and that's a scary thing.

But I need an outlet, and I'm so excited that this seems to be it. I also hope that when Justin comes home, this is something we can do together. I really feel like it's just a matter of time before I'm feeling like myself again.

Let's Get It Started!

Everything, that is! It's go time, and I am psyched.

This morning, I signed up for the Couch to 5k program my friends have raved about.

http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

I have 8 weeks until the 5k out of town, and I'm determined to run the whole thing without stopping or slowing to a walk. I know I can do it, and I'm not giving up until I reach my goal. I'm have a shelf in my closet of pants I outgrew but refused to get rid of. Pants that haven't fit since I was 20. And I'm going to get my ass in them, and rock them again.

Also, if you look to the right, you'll see a new little icon on my page. After a long time talking about doing this, and having lots of people ask me about it, I'm moving forward with selling my scrapbook frames. There's not much in my portfolio for now, as I've just been doing them for my home or for gifts, but I have a ton of new ideas and items that I'm working on. I can't wait to introduce them, including an all military themed line! I love doing these, and it's great to give me something to keep busy with. :)

I also want to take a second to share a friend's amazing page as well. She makes custom military purses, tote bags, keychains, and even pet beds! Check it out:

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001328146321&ref=ts

Lastly in the news, I took a legitimate first step in my IUI journey. As you've read, I've had a hell of a time with referrals, being bounced around Dr. to Dr., and trying to jump through 100 hoops to *maybe* get a spot at the IVF/IUI clinic the Army sends you to. Right now there are still not even CONSULT spots open, and there is really no way of knowing if I'd get in and be able to do the procedure before Justin comes home. This struggle is tough enough without all this stress of getting a plan together this way.

So, I'm done with trying to work it all out. I'm going to do this on my time, at my place of choice, and unfortunately lol, with my money. I'm to a point where it is worth my sanity to just do this out of pocket. I spent a lot of days calling around to places within driving distance, and found what I believe will be a wonderful fit. The cryobank where I would pick up the samples is in Austin, so ideally my clinic would be too, and that's what I've found. The people I've spoken with so far are great, and the best part if that they remember who I am when I call. That's not something that happens when you're being seen on-base. They seem proactive, positive, and even offer 50% off of all my tests and procedures done through them as a military discount. I cried when they told me that.

It's like this huge weight is of my shoulders with all this. All my RPL tests came back normal, and we've done everything possible through the IF specialist on base. Now the ball is in my court, and it is such a relief feeling like I'm in control of my care with this, and seeing an end in sight by having a real timeline for getting to the IUIs. My consult is next week, and I'm excited to meet the Dr. that will be handling everything. I'm praying that this is the Dr. and the place that will lead to our take home baby.

Make New Friends But Keep the Old

Or however that lame camp song went. It's absolutely right.

The 19-21 of this month, I had the opportunity to go on a retreat with a group of Army wives who also have their husbands deployed. To be honest, I was nervous about going. I didn't really know anyone, but it seemed most everyone had kids they were bringing. I was afraid it was going to be hard on my heart, but decided to give it a shot anyhow.

There were moments I excused myself, yes. Sitting at a table where everyone is only talking about their kids is tough. Even tougher when I'd get the "Do you have kids? Oh, why not, do you no want them?" questions. Because you know, the only reason someone wouldn't have kids is because they chose not to, right? Sigh. But I'm aware that most people just don't understand, and mean well, so I am getting better at taking those comments with a grain of salt. If it got to be too much, I'd just skip the meal and eat in my room, or go to the spa - which was fabulous.

View from my room.

The second day I spent drinking pina coladas by the pool and enjoying my opportunity to be at such a beautiful place. I ordered room service for dinner, and got ready for the night. I found a fabulous group of girls that either didn't have kids, or got sitters for the evening. We had drinks and chatted at the great bar in the hotel, and kicked it up a notch by taking a shuttle to the local bar and dance hall, and had a wonderful time. We also had some heart to hearts, where I learned of others who had been through losses, which let me open up about my own, and even had a woman come to me and ask more about my story. It was a pretty amazing not feeling like I have to hide away the struggles in fear of making someone uncomfortable. It really was a great trip, and I'm so glad I went and made some new friends.

I also got to see my oldest friend last week! I picked up Christie at the Austin airport on my way home from the spa. She's the first person to come and visit me in Texas, and we had some serious catching up to do. :) We went to "Summer Fun" at the water park the first night - an adults only, BYOB and live music event, and that was a blast. We went to some dinners out, I showed her around town and base, and tried to take her places she could only go in Texas. We also went to Belton Lake once school started back, and practically had the place to ourselves. It was great, and so relaxing. Mostly we just kept things low key though, and really got to talk and catch up on things. We haven't actually seen each other in a long time, so it was really nice to hang out. I'm so happy she came to see me, and I hope that she will again so we can check out some stuff outside of town!