I'm a horrible blogger.

So I didn't realize it had been 6 weeks since I came to this site. 6 weeks since I've written, but also since I've really done any reading. I've been a bad blog-friend, and I feel quite out of the loop with those I care about. I'm deeply sorry for that, ladies. I'm going to try and be better about it.

Since the holidays, things have been pretty crazy. I worked constantly (ah, the joys of retail during that time of the year!) and also got the promotion I went out for. I've been training for that new position all month, and my hours have almost doubled with this new role. It's certainly kept me busy, and I've really enjoyed it so far.

It also helps time go by so much quicker, which I am forever grateful for. I can now happily say that it is *weeks* not months, before I get to see my husband again! We've been planning and counting down the days until I pick him up in February. We have nights booked in Austin, day trips mapped out, and ideas for his birthday. I can't wait! I'm also on BCP to hopefully stretch out this cycle in an attempt to have a shot at trying while he's home. I see the RE sometime in the next week-ish to get everything straight with the injectables for that cycle. We will just see how it plays out!

Last weekend, I was lucky enough to meet up with the fabulous Lori! We met in Little Rock and we had a great time. It was so fun to get away for a few day, have some drinks and going out on the town. She is an amazing person, and I hope that we can get together again some time!

Again, I'm sorry I haven't kept up with everyone like I should have. i promise to be more supportive and on the ball. I love y'all.

This day last year.

Was my D&C. All I remember is waking up in labor and delivery yelling and crying. I thought that by a year later I would have my take home baby, or be well on my way. I thought I'd be healed. I thought I'd be happy. I thought wrong.

I miss you, Pumpkin.

The other shoe.

It always drops. Because I had one positive ANA test, and one negative, they redrew before the IUI. It came back positive again. IUI cancelled until further notice and I'm being sent to a rheumatologist. Hopefully I'll get in with that asap and they can figure out for sure if it's lupus like they suspect, or some other auto-immune disorder. No matter how it comes back, it's something that has to be addressed before anything can move forward with the IUI. I'm not willing to risk another loss obviously, and my health has to be the priority. I'm scared to pieces though, and it's hard to be without my husband in all this. Stupid ttcal.

In some good news, I did finally get a new car. I chose the 2010 Kia Soul, and it's so much fun. It's been needed for a long time, and I was able to make a great deal. We will keep the old car as a knock around daily driver for hubs when he comes home and we move to Tennessee. That way I can transfer my job to a TN location and go right to work when we get there. No more sharing a car, and that's a nice change.

Max!

These days.

I wake up and tear drops, they fall down like rain
I put on that old song we danced to, and then
I head off to my job, guess not much has changed
Punch the clock, head for home
Check the phone, just in case
Go to bed, dream of you, that's what I'm doing these days
-RF-

I really miss you Mav. I'm so proud of you.

Nothing that exciting going on. Shocker. Mostly just working as much as possible, trying to get time to go by faster. It's doing the trick for the most part, and I do like my job and the people I work with. I move to the new house house week which I'm excited for. Well, not excited about actually moving since I'm doing 99% of it by myself. But being moved in, settled, and have a new start without an empty 3rd bedroom haunting me? Yeah, that will be nice. I have a Dr's appointment on Wednesday to get things started. I'm actually going for it! It's finally time for the first IUI next cycle. We were hoping this would be at least attempt number 2 by now, but life had other plans. Keeping my fingers crossed though!

Oh, and for reason #29018314, the universe can go fuck itself. One of my very best friends has been going through another loss. I seriously can't wrap my head around how unfair the world is. Becca, as always, so much love sent your way, dear. ((hugs))

October 15: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

This day of observance is a national recognized event. Sadly, it is one unknown to many who are personally unaffected by these kinds of losses. There are so many wonderful, worthwhile causes out there that people spread the word about and lend support to, yet this one slips through the cracks all too often. Pregnancy loss, in some shape or form, affects ever 1 in 4 pregnancies. On average, 2000 babies are lost in this was each day in the US. Those are staggering and heartbreaking numbers.

Today is meant to bring awareness to this cause that is near and dear to my heart, as well as to the heart of many of my wonderful friends. Brave, strong, generous women who have gone through this, many of them multiple times. It's not fair, and it's not something any of us will ever understand. But what we can do is spread the word, share or stories, and maybe reach someone who needs support in their loss of losses as well. No one should have to suffer this kind of pain alone. Whether you have been through this yourself of not, open your heart to a friend or family member that could use your love and your shoulder to cry on.

Today is also about remembering the precious angels that were too beautiful for Earth. I have 2 angel babies that I never got to hold, but that touched my heart in the deepest ways. I loved them from the second I found out they existed, and that love does not go away just because they are no longer with me. They are both missed with all of mine and Justin's hearts.

Tonight, at 7 pm, I lit 2 candles in honor of my children as a part of the "Wave of Light" I was joined by my friends across the country, and countless women all over that I've never met. I said a prayer for them, the other mothers, and their angels - and I hope that my little ones and theirs know how much they are loved.

Happy/Hopeful Award!

The fabulous ~C~ over at The Port of Indecision has shared with me the Happy and Hopeful award! Like another lovely said, I think it's darkly humorous that this is going around our group, but I actually really like it. Despite how I feel a lot of the time, I know I have some great things to be grateful for, and I like that this pushes me to step back and recognize them. :)

Things that make me happy: My cats. Seriously, having them as company in this empty house is all that keeps me sane some days. It's so tough to be here with Justin away, and they make home a little less lonely.  My trip to go see Becca also makes me happy! I was so blessed to get the chance to visit her thanks to Mary, and I just got home today. She's been such an amazing friend to me, and we had a fabulous time. I'm also thrilled that I'm getting to talk to my soldier more. For a while it was extremely limited communication for us, so to be able to hear from him more often is amazing.

Things that make me hopeful: maybe actually getting to do an IUI soon! I am shooting for next cycle, so long as I can get in to my RE in time to set up the monitoring in time. Really, I'm just hopeful and optimistic for a fresh start with some things. I have my new job, which I really like so far. I found out last week that we got approved for the new place I'd been looking at. It's closer to work for me, and for when Justin gets back, and saves us some money each month which is always good. I'm really feeling good that some things are starting to work out. It's still hard not to be waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I'm trying to stay as positive as I can!

And now to pass it along, I want to share this award with...
Becca at Memoirs of a Girl
Celeste at Celeste's 101in1001
and Shannon at An Army Wife's Alaskan Adventure

Squee!

I am so excited. Thanks to my dear and generous friend Mary, I get to go to Illinois to see Becca! She had an available airline ticket that was needed to be used in a small window of time, and I was fortunate enough to have a schedule that could make it work. (Thank you again, Mary!)

So in a few weeks, I'll be taking a long weekend for a visit! Becca has been such an amazing friend to me the last nearly 8 months, and she's been there for me through so much. When I come home to an empty house, or I don't get to talk to my husband but once every week or 2, it's easy to fall into a sad and lonely rut. I don't know what I would do if it weren't for Becca and the other amazing ladies as my support. I am thrilled to have a chance to actually hang out with her, I know we are going to have a lot of fun!

Also, I've started my job, and I really like it so far. It's fun, gives me some spending money, and it will keep me busy - which is all I'm looking for while Justin's away. I'm looking at a house that's really close to work, and I'm thinking I will pick back up riding my bike to get there if I'm able to move.

When things get tough, you just have to fight that much harder for things that make you happy. :)

We will never forget.

Today we remember those who lost their lives on this day in 2001. Those how gave up theirs to save others, but on that day, in the years since by serving overseas. We remember the way the country was irrevocably changed. We are reminded of what our brave men and women of the armed forces, both home and abroad, are fighting for. What my husband, brother, and brother in law have all sworn to protect. I can't explain how proud I am of my husband today, and every day. I miss him so much while we are apart, but I am so lucky to have him. My husband, my hero. 

First appointment success!

Today was my consult at the fertility clinic, and I really feel good about my choice. I'm so used to a new Dr. taking one look at part of my file, and having them assume they know everything about me, and I'm happy to say that's not the case here. She will be my assigned Dr., and I'll have one nurse assigned to me as well, so I'm thrilled that I will have more consistent, one on one care.

She ordered another round of blood work to do asap. I'll start an antibiotic on CD 2, do a CD 3 blood draw, and hopefully the following cycle will be the IUI. I was worried about my meds being covered, but for this first time, we are just going to do either Clomid or Femera, u/s monitoring, and then a trigger if everything looks good to do the procedure. Luckily those meds are covered, and we will cross the bridge of further meds if it comes to it. For now it's just getting everything taken care of, and waiting, but it feels really good to have this plan and schedule.

I've put in some job apps and I'm hoping to hear back this week. I've got frame orders rolling, too, so that's fun. :) That'll be more a side project if I get one of these jobs though. I mean, it really is just a for kicks thing already, but I enjoy doing it. Running and healthy eating program is going well and I feel great. I'm also only going to keep positive people in my life. Not in the puppies and rainbows way, but rather in that they are positive influences. I try hard despite whatever is going on to be a good friend to people, and don't have the patience or enough capacity for hurting left over to surround myself with those who only look out for themselves. I have been blessed with a wonderful group of girls that I wouldn't trade for anything. They've shown me what true friendship means, and at this point, true friends are the only ones worth having.

Run, run away, it's just a matter of time.

Running in Texas is hot. I have been getting up earlier and earlier each day (so far only on day 3) but it's like no matter how early I try, it's unbearably hot. Dang Texas. I'm considering adjusting my temping schedule and getting up right after the sun rises instead.

But I love it already. I'm running until I'm nauseous, and even though I feel like crap right after, it doesn't take long to feel amazing. Energized, less stress, stronger - it's wonderful. I don't think I realized how badly I'd let myself get down. The last 2 months have been a blur of the loss of LL, Justin deploying, countless medical tests and hoops to jump through, and trying to get everything that's been neglected taken care of. I push the sadness, the worry, and the frustration down and bottle it up inside. I have a few great friends there are there to listen to me vent, but I tend to play-down a lot of what I'm feeling. I'm afraid that if I let it all out, it will overwhelm me, and that's a scary thing.

But I need an outlet, and I'm so excited that this seems to be it. I also hope that when Justin comes home, this is something we can do together. I really feel like it's just a matter of time before I'm feeling like myself again.