Things that make me smile.

They are few and far between these days. But, there are a few things, and for that I count myself lucky.

1. I got a puppy! We've wanted one for years, but was never the right time. Last week, I sent husband a picture of a shelter pup. I told him I knew we couldn't have her, and that I wasn't asking. I just wanted to share how cute she was. But my amazing husband surprised me by telling me I should call and get more info about her. We talked a lot about potential issues with a new pet, but in the end, we decided that there was really no good reason not to. He also thought that I needed her with him gone and everything else doing on. So, last Saturday, I adopted this furball of adorableness.

Meet Paisley!

And what's funny is that as much as I already love her, I'm not all "Squee! New puppy!" It's more like she fills a hole that I didn't know was there in our family. There is the obvious hole. The constantly painful one. But this is different, and Paisley just fits perfectly. She has made me so happy already. Husband and I feel like I was meant to find her with the way things lined up so perfectly to get her.


2. My amazing friends. I brag about them a lot, but that's because they are just that wonderful. Not only have they been there for me in so many ways over the last almost year a half, but this week, they made me cry happy tears for the first time since I don't know when. I came home from a nearly 10 hours work day, exhausted, and sad from having spent 5 of those hours unpacking baby clothes.  I pulled into the driveway to see a box on my doorstep, that I assumed was delivered to the wrong house. I was so surprised when I saw it was addressed to me. Inside, I found the most beautiful, sunny, happy flowers! An arrangement of my very favorites, that make me smile every single time I walk by them. Ladies, in case you didn't already know, I absolutely love you all.

3. As always, my husband, who even while deployed has been the most fantastic shoulder to lean on. Who also experienced this loss with the chemical pregnancy, yet is still so strong for me. Who keeps me fighting for the one thing we want more than anything else. I am so lucky to be married to my best friend, and I just want him home safe and soon where he belongs.

Get It Right.

This song was on Glee on Tuesday, and I just watched it. The words just couldn't be more fitting, and I had to get them down.

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?

When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
‘Cause I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I’ll get through this

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right

So I throw up my fist, punch into the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair

So, yeah. This won't be a long post, but I guess it's an update. Husband left almost 2 weeks ago to go back overseas. I've been waiting impatiently to find out if our efforts with the iui procedure and new meds was a success. 

It was. And I got to enjoy that fact for a whopping 3 days this time. Betas dropped, tests were nearly non-visible this morning, and tonight the bleeding really started. It's over as quickly as it began. As if that, and husband being gone while it's happening isn't enough, add me being an idiot to the mix. I had a pretty clear idea before my positive tests that I was pregnant, but getting the confirmation still got me all caught up. I stupidly allowed myself in that few days, to be excited. We did all the meds! Spent all the money! Had perfect timing with R&R! It was going to be different this time! 

I know better than that. Or I should have. I bought into all these signs, thinking it meant things would be okay this time. My IUI was on my parents anniversary. My EDD was Thanksgiving Day, after months of me and Becca talking about tiny turkey babies. A few other silly things I let my heart read into throughout this cycle. I let myself get pulled into a bubble that I created about how things should be. But should be, and are, couldn't be further apart from each other most of the time. 

I'm so mad at myself. I'm also at a total loss of how I should be feeling, or how to process this and the next steps with my best friend and love of my life half a world away from me. I'm fluctuating between pissed the hell off, and broken and numb. Currently, broken and numb is winning, but feeling like a fool is pretty high up there as well. It all just sucks.

R&R So Far!

So the hubs has been home for a little over a week now, and it has been beyond wonderful. We've relaxed, taking care of errands and appointments, and had a great trip this past weekend to Austin. It's going to be so tough to say goodbye to him again, but I'm so glad that the long stretch is behind us for this deployment. I am independent and strong alone, yes. I get through because I have to, but I am reminded in this visit that I'm not really me without him here.

Austin was amazing, as it usually is. We went to a hockey game, Johnny Cash's birthday bash, and got tattoos for our angel babies. We always have such a fun time in Austin, and I can't wait to go back when he's home for good.

In other news, we've been in the thick of this cycle attempt. I started all my meds before J got home, and also had my first ultrasound. Friday the 25th, my EDD for LL, I had my first follie check. I had nothing over 10mm on the left, but had 3 decent ones on the right. Two at 13.5 and one at 11.5, which wasn't awesome, but it was heading the right direction.

Today I went back, hoping to have 2, possibly 3 mature follies to trigger. That didn't happen. None of the ones on the right had grown even a bit. I started crying then and there, knowing we were running out of time to try ourselves before J went back. Then, she checked the left side, and we got a surprise. There was a lone ninja follie sitting at 23mm. It's only 1, not what we were hoping for, but better than zero. Tonight I triggered, and after talking with my RE, we will be doing an IUI on Thursday. I'm nervous, but cautiously hopeful!

Here Goes Nothing, Here Goes Everything.

Day 1. I had my appointment today for my baseline ultrasound. Everything looked fine, so I guess that means it's go time! We went over the plan with the meds and appointments, and I'll go back for a follie check when husband is back. Hopefully I respond better to these meds than I did with the last round. I'm nervous, but anxious to get to try again. He was supposed to be coming back for my due date. It's a kick in the biscuits that now it will monitoring appointments instead, but we are going to hope for the best.

More than anything, I'm so beyond thrilled to see him again. 7 months is such a long time, and to know I have to send him back again after 2 short weeks... that already has my stomach in knots. This has been the loneliest time of my life, and I wouldn't have made it through it without my girls. I can't thank y'all enough for being my greatest support during this time, and in the time to come. I love each of you so much.

Counting down the days!

I'm a horrible blogger.

So I didn't realize it had been 6 weeks since I came to this site. 6 weeks since I've written, but also since I've really done any reading. I've been a bad blog-friend, and I feel quite out of the loop with those I care about. I'm deeply sorry for that, ladies. I'm going to try and be better about it.

Since the holidays, things have been pretty crazy. I worked constantly (ah, the joys of retail during that time of the year!) and also got the promotion I went out for. I've been training for that new position all month, and my hours have almost doubled with this new role. It's certainly kept me busy, and I've really enjoyed it so far.

It also helps time go by so much quicker, which I am forever grateful for. I can now happily say that it is *weeks* not months, before I get to see my husband again! We've been planning and counting down the days until I pick him up in February. We have nights booked in Austin, day trips mapped out, and ideas for his birthday. I can't wait! I'm also on BCP to hopefully stretch out this cycle in an attempt to have a shot at trying while he's home. I see the RE sometime in the next week-ish to get everything straight with the injectables for that cycle. We will just see how it plays out!

Last weekend, I was lucky enough to meet up with the fabulous Lori! We met in Little Rock and we had a great time. It was so fun to get away for a few day, have some drinks and going out on the town. She is an amazing person, and I hope that we can get together again some time!

Again, I'm sorry I haven't kept up with everyone like I should have. i promise to be more supportive and on the ball. I love y'all.

This day last year.

Was my D&C. All I remember is waking up in labor and delivery yelling and crying. I thought that by a year later I would have my take home baby, or be well on my way. I thought I'd be healed. I thought I'd be happy. I thought wrong.

I miss you, Pumpkin.

The other shoe.

It always drops. Because I had one positive ANA test, and one negative, they redrew before the IUI. It came back positive again. IUI cancelled until further notice and I'm being sent to a rheumatologist. Hopefully I'll get in with that asap and they can figure out for sure if it's lupus like they suspect, or some other auto-immune disorder. No matter how it comes back, it's something that has to be addressed before anything can move forward with the IUI. I'm not willing to risk another loss obviously, and my health has to be the priority. I'm scared to pieces though, and it's hard to be without my husband in all this. Stupid ttcal.

In some good news, I did finally get a new car. I chose the 2010 Kia Soul, and it's so much fun. It's been needed for a long time, and I was able to make a great deal. We will keep the old car as a knock around daily driver for hubs when he comes home and we move to Tennessee. That way I can transfer my job to a TN location and go right to work when we get there. No more sharing a car, and that's a nice change.

Max!

These days.

I wake up and tear drops, they fall down like rain
I put on that old song we danced to, and then
I head off to my job, guess not much has changed
Punch the clock, head for home
Check the phone, just in case
Go to bed, dream of you, that's what I'm doing these days
-RF-

I really miss you Mav. I'm so proud of you.

Nothing that exciting going on. Shocker. Mostly just working as much as possible, trying to get time to go by faster. It's doing the trick for the most part, and I do like my job and the people I work with. I move to the new house house week which I'm excited for. Well, not excited about actually moving since I'm doing 99% of it by myself. But being moved in, settled, and have a new start without an empty 3rd bedroom haunting me? Yeah, that will be nice. I have a Dr's appointment on Wednesday to get things started. I'm actually going for it! It's finally time for the first IUI next cycle. We were hoping this would be at least attempt number 2 by now, but life had other plans. Keeping my fingers crossed though!

Oh, and for reason #29018314, the universe can go fuck itself. One of my very best friends has been going through another loss. I seriously can't wrap my head around how unfair the world is. Becca, as always, so much love sent your way, dear. ((hugs))

October 15: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

This day of observance is a national recognized event. Sadly, it is one unknown to many who are personally unaffected by these kinds of losses. There are so many wonderful, worthwhile causes out there that people spread the word about and lend support to, yet this one slips through the cracks all too often. Pregnancy loss, in some shape or form, affects ever 1 in 4 pregnancies. On average, 2000 babies are lost in this was each day in the US. Those are staggering and heartbreaking numbers.

Today is meant to bring awareness to this cause that is near and dear to my heart, as well as to the heart of many of my wonderful friends. Brave, strong, generous women who have gone through this, many of them multiple times. It's not fair, and it's not something any of us will ever understand. But what we can do is spread the word, share or stories, and maybe reach someone who needs support in their loss of losses as well. No one should have to suffer this kind of pain alone. Whether you have been through this yourself of not, open your heart to a friend or family member that could use your love and your shoulder to cry on.

Today is also about remembering the precious angels that were too beautiful for Earth. I have 2 angel babies that I never got to hold, but that touched my heart in the deepest ways. I loved them from the second I found out they existed, and that love does not go away just because they are no longer with me. They are both missed with all of mine and Justin's hearts.

Tonight, at 7 pm, I lit 2 candles in honor of my children as a part of the "Wave of Light" I was joined by my friends across the country, and countless women all over that I've never met. I said a prayer for them, the other mothers, and their angels - and I hope that my little ones and theirs know how much they are loved.

Happy/Hopeful Award!

The fabulous ~C~ over at The Port of Indecision has shared with me the Happy and Hopeful award! Like another lovely said, I think it's darkly humorous that this is going around our group, but I actually really like it. Despite how I feel a lot of the time, I know I have some great things to be grateful for, and I like that this pushes me to step back and recognize them. :)

Things that make me happy: My cats. Seriously, having them as company in this empty house is all that keeps me sane some days. It's so tough to be here with Justin away, and they make home a little less lonely.  My trip to go see Becca also makes me happy! I was so blessed to get the chance to visit her thanks to Mary, and I just got home today. She's been such an amazing friend to me, and we had a fabulous time. I'm also thrilled that I'm getting to talk to my soldier more. For a while it was extremely limited communication for us, so to be able to hear from him more often is amazing.

Things that make me hopeful: maybe actually getting to do an IUI soon! I am shooting for next cycle, so long as I can get in to my RE in time to set up the monitoring in time. Really, I'm just hopeful and optimistic for a fresh start with some things. I have my new job, which I really like so far. I found out last week that we got approved for the new place I'd been looking at. It's closer to work for me, and for when Justin gets back, and saves us some money each month which is always good. I'm really feeling good that some things are starting to work out. It's still hard not to be waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I'm trying to stay as positive as I can!

And now to pass it along, I want to share this award with...
Becca at Memoirs of a Girl
Celeste at Celeste's 101in1001
and Shannon at An Army Wife's Alaskan Adventure