...we will be finished with our pre-approval classes! Then it's constant prep and waiting for the home study to be scheduled. Hopefully that won't be too long, because the 'real' waiting starts after that. I had a really rough weekend, where I was so overwhelmed, I was starting to really doubt if I could handle it all. I know those moments are going to happen. I can't be strong and positive 100% of the time, but it can still be tough not to feel like a failure when I get overwhelmed. I'm so lucky though, as I have been for over 2 years now, to have such amazing friends. I feel loved by them whether I'm at my best, or at my worst, and that is pretty phenomenal to me.
I'm now looking for outlets here locally. The pets are great, the house keeps me busy, and so on. But I really want to have a little craft business. Or group or class of some sort. I will be going back to school again soon also. Something I've attempted, and then dropped too many times - but I really do need a degree that opens doors no matter where the Army sends us. That's been a challenge with my major from college, pre-marriage and military. I don't want to spend my time working frivolous jobs just because they are what my area has to offer. I'd rather add to my skills and education, so that I can get an actual career now that we will be here awhile. We also have some big decisions to make about our living situation in the future. As much as I work, the progress is still not enough to be comfortable long term. There is so much we can do, and have done, to make it look/feel nicer, and acceptable for home study. But, continuing to absorb the responsibilities of the problems that keep arising is so much added stress, and I'm just not happy with the road it's taking us down. No matter what call we make, it will impact everything else, so we are trying to weigh our options carefully.
Until then, more waiting!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Open Minds and Open Hearts
After months of trying to get into a class set that fit our schedules, we started our actual classes this past Saturday. It was great! Our instructor is wonderful to say the least, and she was so helpful with all of our questions. I feel like both DH and I opened our minds to situations we hadn't thought about taking on before, which I hope will bode well for the twists and turns this road will likely take.
Now, we would certainly love to adopt a waiting child or children. That's no secret. But the state, and DCS, is *not* an adoption agency. This is a vastly different route and journey. We are not just going to get our license, and wait for a call for a little girl we get to take in as our own. Not when there are so, so many kids in the system, and with the state having such a large need for foster care homes. It frustrates me when people assume this will be quick or easy. Or to be told to "let them know when we get our kid(s)." It doesn't work like that.
In TN, a family has to be a foster family for at least 6 months before they are able to start the adoption process. Sometimes that adoption could be a child that is already in your care. Sometimes not. But the bottom line is, if we can make a difference in the life of the kids that come into our home, whether it is for a day, a week, or forever... why would we not jump at the chance? The biggest thing I learned in this class was what a profound effect each home can have on the kids that stay there. Every child deserves an environment where they feel loved, safe and comfortable, and I'm going to do my best to give that to each child that comes to us.
This week will be full of paperwork, continuing to get our house up to home study standards, and preparing for a full day of more classes on Saturday. The more I learn about this process, the more I realize how long and difficult it will be. And at the same time, I get more and more excited about tackling it all.
Now, we would certainly love to adopt a waiting child or children. That's no secret. But the state, and DCS, is *not* an adoption agency. This is a vastly different route and journey. We are not just going to get our license, and wait for a call for a little girl we get to take in as our own. Not when there are so, so many kids in the system, and with the state having such a large need for foster care homes. It frustrates me when people assume this will be quick or easy. Or to be told to "let them know when we get our kid(s)." It doesn't work like that.
In TN, a family has to be a foster family for at least 6 months before they are able to start the adoption process. Sometimes that adoption could be a child that is already in your care. Sometimes not. But the bottom line is, if we can make a difference in the life of the kids that come into our home, whether it is for a day, a week, or forever... why would we not jump at the chance? The biggest thing I learned in this class was what a profound effect each home can have on the kids that stay there. Every child deserves an environment where they feel loved, safe and comfortable, and I'm going to do my best to give that to each child that comes to us.
This week will be full of paperwork, continuing to get our house up to home study standards, and preparing for a full day of more classes on Saturday. The more I learn about this process, the more I realize how long and difficult it will be. And at the same time, I get more and more excited about tackling it all.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
New Year, Same Resolutions.
I've been a craptastic blogger, but the last few months have been insane. Yet, all of the crazy was the same things over and over, so there really wasn't anything interesting to write about. The house repairs have become a consuming, financially and emotionally draining, never ending cluster. But we've gotten a ton done.
All new carpet is finally in. Every room had to be painted to cover the smoke smells and stains. All the blinds have been replaced for the same reason. The missing door frames have all been finished. I also fixed 3 windows, and framed 3 others until they can be replaced. Broken and mis-matched fixtures and ceiling fans have been changed out. The kitchen and bathroom tiles have been caulked where they weren't upon move-in. Broken, filthy shower doors are down, as are the jagged, broken porcelain wall-mounted fixtures. After 8 total hours of cleaning out the back patio of the previous residents trash and junk, the backyard is clean and the dogs are happy.
Oh yeah, dogs plural. We rescued a puppy that was about to be put down. He's name is Toby, and from the vet, and then our own research, we think he's a black and tan coonhound and walker coonhound mix. My husband thinks it is hilarious that I'd end up with a raccoon hunting dog, but that's another story.
So finally, it's finally starting to feel like a home here. The ILs visited the day after Christmas, and we all had a really nice time. I'm hoping my parents will be visiting sometime this month. When we lived in Texas, we only saw everyone once a year, so it's nice to have them for visits.
There is a short list priorities structurally, including a decent amount of electrical repairs, some plumbing issues, 2 soffit and facia board replacements, and the HVAC system getting tuned up. Other than that, we can just do a little at a time, but at least be comfortable living here, and proud of the work we've done when they come for home study.
Husband and I go to DCS tomorrow for our next step, and I'm nervous. We've decided to open our profile to one child for now instead of 2 - a little girl between 0-6. With DH deploying sometime this year, I just feel strongly that it will be easier for a girl placement to adjust and thrive alone with just me for a while.
So that's my life right now as I bring in the New Year. It's hard to believe it's 2012. It feels like yesterday, and long ago, all at the same time that I started each New Year's with the resolution that *this* year, will be the year. The year we have a family. Most everyone around me brought in 2012 with their healthy little ones, or with little ones on the way. But for me, it's the same resolutions all over again. Get settled at (insert whatever new place we've moved), have a child, let DH have a safe deployment, and so on. Yet those are still my hopes and dreams for this year. I really hope the universe has something up it's sleeve for us in the months to come.
All new carpet is finally in. Every room had to be painted to cover the smoke smells and stains. All the blinds have been replaced for the same reason. The missing door frames have all been finished. I also fixed 3 windows, and framed 3 others until they can be replaced. Broken and mis-matched fixtures and ceiling fans have been changed out. The kitchen and bathroom tiles have been caulked where they weren't upon move-in. Broken, filthy shower doors are down, as are the jagged, broken porcelain wall-mounted fixtures. After 8 total hours of cleaning out the back patio of the previous residents trash and junk, the backyard is clean and the dogs are happy.
Oh yeah, dogs plural. We rescued a puppy that was about to be put down. He's name is Toby, and from the vet, and then our own research, we think he's a black and tan coonhound and walker coonhound mix. My husband thinks it is hilarious that I'd end up with a raccoon hunting dog, but that's another story.
So finally, it's finally starting to feel like a home here. The ILs visited the day after Christmas, and we all had a really nice time. I'm hoping my parents will be visiting sometime this month. When we lived in Texas, we only saw everyone once a year, so it's nice to have them for visits.
There is a short list priorities structurally, including a decent amount of electrical repairs, some plumbing issues, 2 soffit and facia board replacements, and the HVAC system getting tuned up. Other than that, we can just do a little at a time, but at least be comfortable living here, and proud of the work we've done when they come for home study.
Husband and I go to DCS tomorrow for our next step, and I'm nervous. We've decided to open our profile to one child for now instead of 2 - a little girl between 0-6. With DH deploying sometime this year, I just feel strongly that it will be easier for a girl placement to adjust and thrive alone with just me for a while.
So that's my life right now as I bring in the New Year. It's hard to believe it's 2012. It feels like yesterday, and long ago, all at the same time that I started each New Year's with the resolution that *this* year, will be the year. The year we have a family. Most everyone around me brought in 2012 with their healthy little ones, or with little ones on the way. But for me, it's the same resolutions all over again. Get settled at (insert whatever new place we've moved), have a child, let DH have a safe deployment, and so on. Yet those are still my hopes and dreams for this year. I really hope the universe has something up it's sleeve for us in the months to come.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Small update.
Things have been so busy! I haven't kept up well on the whole blog thing. We are loving TN, and I'm so grateful to be stationed here. The house we moved into has such amazing potential, but it is going to take some time and effort to get it there. We've been here nearly a month, but didn't start really working on the house until about 3 weeks ago. In that time, we've almost totally remodeled the basement, complete with putting down new flooring (go, me!) all new paint, baseboards, and boxing in exposed metal load-bearing poles. A bit of work has been done upstairs, but the larger projects there will have to wait a few more weeks. I'm really proud of what has been done so far. And because I have the most wonderful friends, I've got some extra help with future endeavors. :)
The draw back of work needing to be done, is that it forces us to push back our foster-adopt classes. Instead of starting next week, it looks like hopefully the beginning of December. I'd love to have the classes knocked out before Christmas, so that we could enjoy having that behind us, and the house all done, for the holidays. That gives us about 5 more weeks to have the whole house, and child's room, in tip-top shape. We have been buying baby things though, little by little. In almost every way, we're ready to take on having a placement. But the reality is that we want to have the house fully ready as well, because our child or children deserve our full attention, and the best environment possible. You really only get one shot with the home study, and it is important to us to show the coordinator everything we've done in preparation for this. We want them to know how seriously we are taking this, and how we both want to be the best parents possible for the children that will be placed in our care.
The draw back of work needing to be done, is that it forces us to push back our foster-adopt classes. Instead of starting next week, it looks like hopefully the beginning of December. I'd love to have the classes knocked out before Christmas, so that we could enjoy having that behind us, and the house all done, for the holidays. That gives us about 5 more weeks to have the whole house, and child's room, in tip-top shape. We have been buying baby things though, little by little. In almost every way, we're ready to take on having a placement. But the reality is that we want to have the house fully ready as well, because our child or children deserve our full attention, and the best environment possible. You really only get one shot with the home study, and it is important to us to show the coordinator everything we've done in preparation for this. We want them to know how seriously we are taking this, and how we both want to be the best parents possible for the children that will be placed in our care.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Hello, Tennessee, I'm Home!
The last few weeks have been crazy! Getting packed, getting on the road, and getting to TN has been an adventure. In a lot of ways, I feel like I've just been waiting to be here.
In the summer of 2005, I decided I wanted to move to TN. I picked a town off of a map, did a lot of research, and even got an apartment and roommate lined up. At the last minute, I decided to relocate with my parents, to where they live now in NC. I'm so glad I did, because it was there that I met the love of my life that winter.
We enjoyed our college years together, got married in 2008, and he joined the Army in 2009. We spent our first 2 years of Army life in Texas, and then on his deployment, we got a change of duty station. To the same town I planned on moving to in 2005. :)
Silly as it sounds, I feel like I was supposed to end up here. I just tried to get here a few years too early. Now, I'm here with my amazing husband, our wonderful pets, and we are starting a whole new chapter. I always thought this town was my chance to start over, and now, it really gets to be. This will be the town we set down roots it. The town we really call home. And best of all, our kids are here. Somewhere in TN, they are out there, just waiting for us. That's pretty incredible to think about.
In the summer of 2005, I decided I wanted to move to TN. I picked a town off of a map, did a lot of research, and even got an apartment and roommate lined up. At the last minute, I decided to relocate with my parents, to where they live now in NC. I'm so glad I did, because it was there that I met the love of my life that winter.
We enjoyed our college years together, got married in 2008, and he joined the Army in 2009. We spent our first 2 years of Army life in Texas, and then on his deployment, we got a change of duty station. To the same town I planned on moving to in 2005. :)
Silly as it sounds, I feel like I was supposed to end up here. I just tried to get here a few years too early. Now, I'm here with my amazing husband, our wonderful pets, and we are starting a whole new chapter. I always thought this town was my chance to start over, and now, it really gets to be. This will be the town we set down roots it. The town we really call home. And best of all, our kids are here. Somewhere in TN, they are out there, just waiting for us. That's pretty incredible to think about.
Friday, September 23, 2011
I give up.
At my final RE appointment today, I learned that I already O'd on my own. This appointment was made 3 days earlier than the previous one in order to avoid this happening again. Glad that worked out so well. I just don't understand. Two years of my body being almost increasingly uncooperative, and now, when it's our last few cycle attempts, it decides to work? Don't get me wrong, textbook-esque cycles are fine by me... so long as I'm aware of it! I'd be happy to keep trying while moving forward with the adoption, now that I have an RE and a plan that is clearly making progress. But, I don't have that option, so I'm a little frustrated that on our last attempt, it is once again out of my control.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
10 Years.
I didn't post on the 11th. There was such a blur of other posts, TV coverage, Facebook memorials. But that day is something I'm reminded of constantly, not just on the anniversary of it. That day is why my husband spends a year at a time overseas, risking his life to fight back against what was done to our country in 2001. My parents worked in commercial aviation for nearly 20 years, stopping only a few years before this event. My mom's best friend was only a few blocks away, having just gotten into NYC as a flight attendant the day before. She's the one that woke me up that day, when I was home sick from school, telling me what was going on. I remember vividly looking down to see the I Heart NY tee shirt I'd slept in, and looking out the window. Realizing that the world I was waking up to was so irrevocably different than the one I'd fallen asleep in the night before.
That day changed so much, and was so full of needless loss and hurt. The 11th, today, and always I remember those lost, those left behind, and those fighting for America.
That day changed so much, and was so full of needless loss and hurt. The 11th, today, and always I remember those lost, those left behind, and those fighting for America.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
:deep breath:
I don't know why I'm so overwhelmed about this, but I am. But in a good way. We just bought our first adoption thing! A deep purple toddler recliner. Totally random, yes, but I ran across it online and had to have it. When we move next month, we're re-doing the living room for the new house. The theme is based around an amazing print we bought from a local artist in San Antonio - pale yellow and shades of gray and purple. It sounds so silly, but when I saw that little purple chair, all I could think was how perfectly it would fit into our home. How perfectly the child or children that will sit on it will fit into our home. To know that in all these talks, and plans, and 100 steps left to go in our process... that at some point, it will end with a family.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Exciting New Plans.
Big decisions have been made in the H household. July was another failed cycle for us. All the results from my re-drawn tests came back, also. My ANA titer is higher than previous draws. With +ANA, anything with a ratio of 1:40 or higher is considered positive. Mine has been a steady 1:320 since last October, and now is 1:640. It's not unusual for it to fluctuate, but because I am negative for any specific auto-immune diseases, it is a bit odd. I am being referred to a second rheumatologist, this time within the same hospital my RE practices out of.
I am going ahead with this cycle. It will be our last try with the Femara 7.5 mg before moving on to a different course of meds. Since my new rheumatologist will be in the same practice as my RE, hopefully they can get me on an additional medicine for my immune issues that could possibly help have a different outcome. We move in about 10 weeks or so, which gives us this cycle, and one, maybe 2, more chances before we head to a new duty station.
Which leads me to previously mentioned exciting new plans. When we get to our next station, we will be pursuing foster-to-adopt! Soldier and I are both quite excited about this decision, and we are confident that this is the right choice for us. We will continue to attempt TTC while we are still here in TX, but regardless of the outcome, the adoption is something that is in our near future.
People have said to us in the past, "why don't you just adopt?" and I just want to make it very clear, that "just" and "adopt" do not belong in the same sentence. It is not a simple or easy thing to do, and it's not just some default backup plan in the game of having difficultly having biological children. It is not a "plan B" nor is it something that people have to settle for when they can't have children in the way that most people consider "normal." This is a huge decision, one we are thrilled at the prospect of, and these children will be ever bit as loved and wanted as ones that are biologically ours.
We had been hesitant to pursue this road before now. We looked into the process during Solider's deployment, but with knowing about our upcoming move, there wasn't enough time to commit to the process before we would be leaving. Knowing that we will be in TN for quite some time, and that we will be buying a home, allows us to fully invest in this journey, and we can't wait!
Ideally, we would like to take in a sibling set, preferably a brother and sister. We are hoping for them both to be under 3 or so years old, and will only be taking in children that are legally free for adoption. After all these losses, we just can't bare to have other kids taken away from us. This will be a difficult and long road for us. It's a complicated process, and there will be heartache. We simply don't have the money for private adoption, and in choosing this road, we can help kids who would otherwise grow up in the foster care system. Sibling sets are hard to place, because so many want to adopt one at a time, and typically people want infants. To know what kind of difference we can make to 2 children who need a home... it just makes our hearts happy and hopeful for the first time in many years about having a family. I can't wait to get to our new home, settle in, and have the family we've always dreamed of. It might be done unconventionally, but hey, we have never been much of a normal couple anyhow. :)
I am going ahead with this cycle. It will be our last try with the Femara 7.5 mg before moving on to a different course of meds. Since my new rheumatologist will be in the same practice as my RE, hopefully they can get me on an additional medicine for my immune issues that could possibly help have a different outcome. We move in about 10 weeks or so, which gives us this cycle, and one, maybe 2, more chances before we head to a new duty station.
Which leads me to previously mentioned exciting new plans. When we get to our next station, we will be pursuing foster-to-adopt! Soldier and I are both quite excited about this decision, and we are confident that this is the right choice for us. We will continue to attempt TTC while we are still here in TX, but regardless of the outcome, the adoption is something that is in our near future.
People have said to us in the past, "why don't you just adopt?" and I just want to make it very clear, that "just" and "adopt" do not belong in the same sentence. It is not a simple or easy thing to do, and it's not just some default backup plan in the game of having difficultly having biological children. It is not a "plan B" nor is it something that people have to settle for when they can't have children in the way that most people consider "normal." This is a huge decision, one we are thrilled at the prospect of, and these children will be ever bit as loved and wanted as ones that are biologically ours.
We had been hesitant to pursue this road before now. We looked into the process during Solider's deployment, but with knowing about our upcoming move, there wasn't enough time to commit to the process before we would be leaving. Knowing that we will be in TN for quite some time, and that we will be buying a home, allows us to fully invest in this journey, and we can't wait!
Ideally, we would like to take in a sibling set, preferably a brother and sister. We are hoping for them both to be under 3 or so years old, and will only be taking in children that are legally free for adoption. After all these losses, we just can't bare to have other kids taken away from us. This will be a difficult and long road for us. It's a complicated process, and there will be heartache. We simply don't have the money for private adoption, and in choosing this road, we can help kids who would otherwise grow up in the foster care system. Sibling sets are hard to place, because so many want to adopt one at a time, and typically people want infants. To know what kind of difference we can make to 2 children who need a home... it just makes our hearts happy and hopeful for the first time in many years about having a family. I can't wait to get to our new home, settle in, and have the family we've always dreamed of. It might be done unconventionally, but hey, we have never been much of a normal couple anyhow. :)
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Out of the loop.
At the beginning of June, I moved on-post, and spent the rest of the month frantically unpacking and cleaning for J's homecoming. June was a whirlwind, but 3 weeks ago, my husband finally returned from a year in Afghanistan. I am so incredibly proud of what my soldier did for this country through deployment, but having him home safely is a joy I can't put into words. Not everyone waiting anxiously state-side gets to have their longed for reunion, and I will never forget how lucky we are that he is home with me.
J and I have had a wonderful few weeks of our summer so far. The pets are thrilled to have him home, and Paisley, who he just met upon his return, is in love with him. It's hilarious to see them play together. We spent a couple night in Fort Worth for the 4th of July, and we have a trip to San Antonio and the gulf coast coming up at the end of the month. Last year, J left a few days before my birthday, so it makes these little trips, this year's birthday (which was Friday) and our upcoming anniversary that much more special.
On the TTC front, things suck. I triggered a 24mm, 25mm, and 16mm follies the day before J got home. I was so sure that it had worked. I had all my classic symptoms, tested out the trigger, then got what I thought were pretty promising invisible lines/evaps (that I've never gotten on this brand HPT in the last 3 years) while we were up in Fort Worth. But, by the day we got home, AF was there. 10 day LP, despite progesterone supps? That's lame.
So, it's another round of what we tried that cycle. I just finished up Femara 7.5 mg CD 5-9 on Friday. I go for a follie check on Thursday, CD 16. We will see I guess. I'll move to just Gonal-F next cycle if this one is a bust. We PCS to Tennessee in October, and I'm terrified of having to start this process all over with yet another new Dr. if something doesn't work before we leave. I am hoping and praying, for a multitude of reasons, that I have a healthy pregnancy going by then.
Like a good friend mentioned on her blog recently, feeling left behind sucks. Hard. I have friends that hadn't even met their now-husbands when we started trying, that have babies already. Friends that decide to start trying, and don't even know what its like to get a negative test at the end of the cycle. And the thing is, it's not at all that I don't want that for them.
It's that I want it for us, too. For myself, and for the handful of girls from my group left still trying to build a family in whatever way they can. It's an amazing feeling to see my friends from my support group moving on. There is no way to describe how my heart soars that these wonderful women are coming out the other side of all the struggles they've seen. It's beautiful. I just want to join them.
