I'm Back!

I've been MIA for a while now. Getting ready for the home study, and getting DH set up to leave again has been crazy town. Since he left, I've been working like a madman to finish the other house things, handle all the pets and a few puppy vet visits for illness, and I just haven't had much time to jump on here!

Just a tiny update for now, but the home study went okay. The more we get into this process though, the more we are realizing that what we were originally told/expecting is just not how it's done in this area. I wasn't completely comfortable with the turns this path was taking, and since the home study, DH and I both have been feeling more and more uncertain. 

Last night, he was able to call, and we had a long, open discussion. Learning the hurdles we are up against, and having a good long time to reflect on our visit, we have decided not to continue at this time. This was a really tough choice for us, and both of us are saddened that it has come to this. We went into this so excited, wanting to grow our family, and make a difference. We still want those things, but it's just not the right time for this particular journey, knowing what we know now. There are only a handful of months before DH deploys again, and he's been gone 2 out of the last 3 months as it is. It has been nothing but hectic since we moved here in the fall, and we both feel strongly that we need to focus on having time together before he leaves again for 9-12 months. Adoption is off the table indefinitely, but we've agreed today to reopen the discussion it at our next duty station. 

I will continue to seek TTC treatment over the course of DH being home, and we will see if it leads to anything. We were against doing IUI while he's away, because it was so complicated last time. Last night we brought it up again, and will consider it as time gets closer. For now though, I'm just adjusting to this major shift in our plans. I know it's the right thing to do, but that doesn't mean it isn't incredibly tough.

Home Study!

It came around faster than I expected, that's for sure. DH leaves this week for another short training, and I told our case worker that when she called on Friday. Since our case is the one up on the list, she wanted to see us before he leaves to prevent delays in our process. Eeeep. Panic time! She will be here tomorrow after lunch, so that DH can just take a half day of work. Holy cow. I am taking a short break right now from what I expect to be a 16+ hour work day of house-prep, puppy grooming, and paperwork gathering. We took 6 of the 7 pets to the vet, all in one trip I might add, for their yearly shots, so we've got all their papers and a local vet updated. In NC, where they were all vaccinated before we moved to TX, they give 3 year shots. In TN, they require them every year. It also just made more sense to have them all on the same schedule, since we have so many. Toby pup was all set in November when we got him, so he is the only one off, which is pretty good.

I am fully aware that all this is probably overboard, but that's how I roll. I would rather be overly prepared any day than under prepared. Will it be perfect? No, there are still big things to do with the house itself, and I've accepted that. But the upstairs - the main living area - that will be, I'm determined. It's tough on a bum foot though, I'll admit. I tried to step over a puppy kennel last week, and came down really hard on a corner. Tore open a nice gash on the ball of my foot, which lead to stitches, the world's ugliest summer sandal brace-boot, and crutches. I sure do have impeccable timing. Anyhow.

DH even went to L.owe's yesterday and got all sorts of flowers and garden things, and spent the day re-doing the front yard. Though, "re-doing" implies it was done before, which it wasn't. I don't think it had been touched in years other than mowing, and it looks amazing now. I'm really impressed with him! Hopefully I'll be somewhat close to being done when he gets home from work (I started at 4 am) and we can go over all the papers and home study book again. I really am utterly terrified for this, and I don't know why. I just feel so strongly that this is the right path for us, regardless of what happens TTC wise, and I want it to go right.

In TTC land, I did have to sit out this cycle. Not because of my RE - he was wonderful with understanding my unwillingness to skip cycles - but because of my body and the A.rmy. DH's date go moved up, and AF didn't show up on time. It sucks, but it happens. We'll be ready to start again about the time he gets home, and that will have to do!

DH took me to see The H.unger Games on Friday, and I completely adored it. Of course the book was better, it always is. There were a lot of things that had to be weeded out, or simplified for the movie, just like any book-t0-film adaption. There were however, one or two (IMO) important things that were glossed over, that I wish had been in there. I won't go into to that, as I've already gotten away from my point.

There was a small scene added to the movie version that I really loved. I won't go into the details, in case anyone is waiting to see it, but there is a quote that really stuck with me. Enough so that DH went out and got me paints, stencils and canvases, because I told him I wanted to add it to our angel babies wall collage.

"Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear."

I keep rolling this around in my head, and I'm trying to remember that it is exactly why we keep going down these tough, unknown roads. It's why I put my body and heart through all the things I do. It's what keeps me pushing for tomorrow, and for each step down the line.

Hope.

Nope.

14 dpo, and I knew days ago that this was a bust. I didn't bother continuing the progesterone after Sunday morning's BFN. I just need AF to show up *today* in order to not miss this cycle. DH leaves about 2 weeks for a training, and if today doesn't end up CD1, there is really no point in attempting anything, unless we can bump my meds up slightly, since last cycle was such a slow start.

Not that it may even matter. When I called my RE's office yesterday to tell them it was a no-go, I asked about how to set up my baseline for this upcoming cycle. That's when I was told my RE likes to do a break cycle after every.single.failed.attempt. No one had told me this before, and I don't know anyone who has had this policy with their RE. I'm not trying to question or disrespect his methods, but I'm not their typical patient. I drive a long way to get my care at their office, and I know they see very few military couples - so I have begged for an exception. I fought back tears the entire conversation with the nurse yesterday when I was telling her there were only 4, maybe 5, chances left before DH deploys. I begged her to talk to RE, and to please not take away half of our chances at this. I know it's tougher on my body, but I've never taken breaks between every cycle - to no ill effects. Plus, I'd have a year break if it doesn't work, as we don't plan on doing the IUI thing this time around. I waited from October to February for T.ricare to get my referrals correct to start this treatment. That's enough of a break. I'm terrified about when they call me back today.

DH is pissed about it. And last night we had a big sit-down about how all of this was changing me. The mess with the house, the home study, the treatment, the trainings and deployments... it's all so much. My way to deal with it has been to not get emotionally invested in it. I admitted that I make a great effort to become numb to the treatment cycle outcomes being a no - but I spend just as much effort shutting down in case it worked. I don't want to feel connected to the process at all, so that I'm not as hurt when it fails, either through BFNs, or through loss. I realize I'm doing this with the foster process, the uncertainty about our housing situation, etc., and it is seeping into my relationship with DH. He was so sweet, and so concerned - and incredibly careful about how he approached this with me, bless his heart. He says it's really hard for him to see me so apathetic to the things he knows we want so badly.

We used to joke that since I never did the rebellion thing with my parents, I must have been saving it for him - because he knew if there was something I wanted, that I was told I couldn't have, or would be incredibly difficult - it made me want it more. I'd work that much harder to prove that I could do it, could get it, could make it happen. He feels like these days I'd rather give up, say "oh well" and move onto the next thing than to let myself get wrapped up in how a set back or failure makes me feel. That was hard to hear, but he's right. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to me. He pointed out that it went as far as my reactions to completely unrelated things being influenced by all this. That when he picks on me, or goofs around like we always have, I just shrug it off lately, when I used to join right in. I'm keeping everything, and everyone at an arm's length, and that's only going to make things worse.

Something has got to give. The fake-it-'til-you-make-it bit didn't work for me, but shutting down to my entire life isn't the answer either. DH was so supportive and gave a great pep-talk, without coming off like he was trying to tell me what to do. He did a damn good job. He said he just wants me to be happy. Not to fake it. Not to disengage from things that have the potential to make me sad. That I just need to find in me, wherever I bottled it up inside, that fight that I used to have. Find it, use it, try harder, and rise above it. I know he believes I can do that, and I hope he's right.

First Blood Test Result

My progesterone level from Friday came back yesterday. At 3 dpo it was at 55.7. Whaaat? Last medicated cycle (7.5 F.emara, 100 mg progesterone) my level was a sad 8.5 at 7 dpo. So, yeah, a nice improvement in that department. Obviously it is in no way an indication of if this cycle worked, but at least it means it was a nice, strong O. I do feel good about that we seem to have found an effective meds regiment for future cycles. As of today, the trigger is out of my system, so it's just a little more waiting, and a lot more wondering.

A Tiny Step Forward.

We finally got a call today from our home study worker! She seems really nice, and she was letting us know that letters were going out today to those we gave as references, and that we would be getting some paperwork to submit as well. Whenever she receives our packets back, she will call and set up the first visit. I'm hoping to have the packets for DH and I done and back to her by the end of the week so that hopefully, by this time next week, we will have a date set for that first session. We weren't given any indication of how far out these meetings are being booked, so to be on the safe side, we are making sure that every.single.thing. about the house and the room is finished by the end of next weekend. Just in case.

I'm not getting ahead of myself, though. While I'm happy things are moving forward, we are *such* a long way from adding to our family. There will be at least 2, if not 3 more sessions - assuming she likes us and the house on her initial visit. Then it's figuring out what kind of placements that we are ready to accept for respite care situations. Then we wait. And we hope, that at some point in the journey and temporary placements, we get a call for a child that's waiting. Until then, there is an empty room full of clothes and toys, and I keep the door to it closed. I am excited about this journey, yes. But I'm also realistic about what it might involve, both time and heartache wise. It's strange to have to have a room all set up when there are so many hoops to jump through before that space you've carved into your home is filled. If it ever is. I've said it before, and I'm sure it won't be the last time - there are no guarantees in this process. All we can do is hope for the best, and be prepared as much as possible for the outcome we are working towards.

The 2WW Begins.

I've lost count of how many times I've been in one of these. Living life in 2 week long increments of treatment and waiting. It's BS, if you ask me, but clearly the universe has no concern for what I think is fair or unfair. That bastard.

Either way, it's out of my hands now. I triggered on Sunday, which went well, other than my thigh being really sore the next day. I was showing the starting signs of O already on Sunday, and based on my experience with my cycles, my best guess is it happened overnight Monday, or early Tuesday. Though honestly, pinpointing it like that is just another thing for me to obsess over, so, whatever.

I go on Friday for my progesterone draw, and hopefully I'll have the rest of my Rx by then. I thought it was 100 mg P.rometrium 3x/day. That part is correct, but I'm also supposed to do another 100 mg 2x/day supp-style. So, 500 mg a day up from the 100 mg I've done in the past. If that doesn't help my LP, I might be a lost cause! Too bad the pharmacy didn't get it right either, because all they gave me were 24 pills at 100 mg. Obviously that lasts less than 5 days at the correct dose, instead of the full 12. The on-post pharmacy is the only one around here that doesn't take electronic prescriptions, and I'm not driving 2 hours to pick up a paper slip. I'm crossing my fingers that it can be here via snail-mail by Friday, so I can have it filled before mine runs out over the weekend.

Still no word from our Home Study worker. I know they are busy, but I was really wishing that we'd at least get a phone call with a guesstimate on our first visit. Hopefully soon.

In NBR news, DH has a 4 day weekend this weekend. That makes me quite happy. It is supposed to rain, ha, but I don't care. This will be the first down time since he came back from training that hasn't been full of my appointments, or errands. Well, other than the blood work, but that's pretty minor, since I can do that locally. I wanted to take both pups out to the park at the river, so I'm hoping the rain lets up for bit to allow us an outing! I can't wait until spring when we can do more with them outdoors. There is supposed to be pretty good hiking, camping, canoeing, etc. around here, and I'm so excited to get out there and do it all when the weather is nicer!

A Turn for the Better.

I was so upset earlier this week with how things were going; or not going, as the case was. I'm so happy that DH is now home, and has been a huge help to my sanity! He is such a wonderful support, and my best friend. I am capable of handling it all on my own, but it is just so much better when he's here.

I had my second follie check on Wednesday. I went from nothing on Monday, to one 11, one 10, and two 9's. Some improvement, since everything on Monday was non-existent. Yesterday I had the third check. A much better jump after the most recent 2 days of stims! I had one 15, one 14, one 13, and two 12's. Still not where they need to be, but my body seems to be over the hump, and progressing well. I stimmed yesterday, will again today, and will trigger on Sunday.

I have no expectations, and I'm trying to keep it that way. I go back next Friday for a progesterone check, and I start P.rometrium on Wednesday, 3 times a day. Hopefully it will make more of an improvement in my pathetic luteal phase than the 100 mg supps did. I (almost) always had a great progesterone level on my post-O draws with my Texas RE, but then, AF would show up by around 10-11 dpo. If the P.rometrium can extend that a handful of days, that would at least help me feel like I had a chance.

So yet again, here goes nothing.

A bit of a vent.

One more day. That's all I have to get through before DH comes home from this training. Damn good thing, because any longer, and I might scream.

On the TTC front, I had my first follie check on Monday. Nothing. Nada, zip, zlitch. I had my E2 drawn, but they didn't tell me what it was. I know it's early, but that was so disheartening to not have a single promising follie started. I did 75iu CD 3-5, then 50 on CD 6. I was instructed to stay at 75iu yesterday and today, and I have my second scan in the morning, as well as another E2 draw. I'm not getting my hopes up. I hate having to drive over a hour each way every few days, and I'm nervous about the possibility of having to stim for a long time to see results. That's a lot of gas, time, and complications with DH's work days - just to get down there for appointments full of fail. And the G.onal F headaches... ouch.

On the home front, I'm at my wits end. 99% of the time, all the pets are great fun, and relatively easy to take care of, especially given the number of them. But lately, they are driving me nuts. I think it's because I've been gone a lot with appointments, and when I am home, I've been constantly busy. Cleaning, continuing to unpack and renovate, juggling all the calls, bills, errands, etc. since it's all on me while DH is gone... they aren't getting their normal amount of attention. I'm rarely sitting still in one spot or room, and typically, as I run around the house, I have at least 4 of them follow every step I take. The new kitten has suddenly taken to going potty in the shower. The big female cat has been beating up the kitten. Paisley pup cut her leg open on something outside, which I learned about because the dogs came in covered in blood. She's all bandaged and fine now, and it doesn't seem to hurt her much, thankfully. Toby is going through a big growth spurt/rebellious puppy stage - though training tips from my friend C have helped immensely. The house has been an ongoing nightmare of a project for months, and I know that once things are done, it will be calmer. Or at least finishing the parts I can do. It will be professionals coming in for the big things, thankfully. But in the mean time, trying to balance everything alone - the repairs, the pets, and the meds/appointments? I'm going bonkers.

I think I'll have some wine to go with my whine.

Go Time.

All of my appointments went well yesterday, and each Doc was on board with starting this cycle. I begin G.onal F on Thursday, continue through Sunday, and return to the RE on Monday for a follie check. Hopefully it won't take too many checks before I'm ready to trigger, since it is a good drive from home, and DH will be back from training soon, and back to work as usual. 

I'm trying hard to find the balance, yet again, of being hopeful without getting my hopes up. This week should have been yet another 1st Birthday, for another baby we never got to meet. I just want something to go right. To work out. To allow my husband as much time as he can get during a healthy pregnancy before he deploys again. For him to be excited about the future of our family, instead of being heart broken over another loss, another failure, as he had to do last time around. Keeping my fingers crossed that I can give that to him. 

Holding My Breath.

Tomorrow will be quite a telling day as far as this, and future cycles are concerned. I have three appointments in the morning; one for insulin resistance blood work testing, one for pre-conception counseling, and then a follow up with my RE. Tomorrow should also be CD1, and I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I can get the ball rolling to do a treatment cycle this time. I was originally under the impression the the counseling was only about the use of blood thinners during pregnancy, should I get there again. When I called to find out about starting my medications for this cycle, I learned it was an all-inclusive counseling, and a pre-requisite of beginning a treatment plan. I finally got it all worked out scheduling wise, so that I have the counseling done in time to, theoretically, not be too late for this cycle. I just hope that when I see my RE tomorrow afterwards, that he's game to get this started, too.

I've been taking the P.laquenil for the lupus, and while I haven't been taking it long enough to notice pain improvement, my body is certainly reacting to it in the form of side effects. They are a bit scary if I don't keep an eye on them, so I'm trying to stay on the ball. I've also got all my G.onal F, hanging out in the fridge, thanks to a very generous friend, K! I've had enough of break time. I'm ready to do this.

Missing a cycle when you are TTC around a military training and deployment schedule is a big deal. Every chance that you miss out on before your soldier leaves for a year can seem crushing. What if *that* was the time it could have worked? What if one more cycle would help the RE find the right meds, and get it right, so that you're successful before he leaves? It's such a stressful combination, and I'm just holding my breath that I don't have to miss this chance.