I give up.

At my final RE appointment today, I learned that I already O'd on my own. This appointment was made 3 days earlier than the previous one in order to avoid this happening again. Glad that worked out so well. I just don't understand. Two years of my body being almost increasingly uncooperative, and now, when it's our last few cycle attempts, it decides to work? Don't get me wrong, textbook-esque cycles are fine by me... so long as I'm aware of it! I'd be happy to keep trying while moving forward with the adoption, now that I have an RE and a plan that is clearly making progress. But, I don't have that option, so I'm a little frustrated that on our last attempt, it is once again out of my control.

10 Years.

I didn't post on the 11th. There was such a blur of other posts, TV coverage, Facebook memorials. But that day is something I'm reminded of constantly, not just on the anniversary of it. That day is why my husband spends a year at a time overseas, risking his life to fight back against what was done to our country in 2001. My parents worked in commercial aviation for nearly 20 years, stopping only a few years before this event. My mom's best friend was only a few blocks away, having just gotten into NYC as a flight attendant the day before. She's the one that woke me up that day, when I was home sick from school, telling me what was going on. I remember vividly looking down to see the I Heart NY tee shirt I'd slept in, and looking out the window. Realizing that the world I was waking up to was so irrevocably different than the one I'd fallen asleep in the night before.

That day changed so much, and was so full of needless loss and hurt. The 11th, today, and always I remember those lost, those left behind, and those fighting for America.

:deep breath:

I don't know why I'm so overwhelmed about this, but I am. But in a good way. We just bought our first adoption thing! A deep purple toddler recliner. Totally random, yes, but I ran across it online and had to have it. When we move next month, we're re-doing the living room for the new house. The theme is based around an amazing print we bought from a local artist in San Antonio - pale yellow and shades of gray and purple. It sounds so silly, but when I saw that little purple chair, all I could think was how perfectly it would fit into our home. How perfectly the child or children that will sit on it will fit into our home. To know that in all these talks, and plans, and 100 steps left to go in our process... that at some point, it will end with a family.

Exciting New Plans.

Big decisions have been made in the H household. July was another failed cycle for us. All the results from my re-drawn tests came back, also. My ANA titer is higher than previous draws. With +ANA, anything with a ratio of 1:40 or higher is considered positive. Mine has been a steady 1:320 since last October, and now is 1:640. It's not unusual for it to fluctuate, but because I am negative for any specific auto-immune diseases, it is a bit odd. I am being referred to a second rheumatologist, this time within the same hospital my RE practices out of.

I am going ahead with this cycle. It will be our last try with the Femara 7.5 mg before moving on to a different course of meds. Since my new rheumatologist will be in the same practice as my RE, hopefully they can get me on an additional medicine for my immune issues that could possibly help have a different outcome. We move in about 10 weeks or so, which gives us this cycle, and one, maybe 2, more chances before we head to a new duty station.

Which leads me to previously mentioned exciting new plans. When we get to our next station, we will be pursuing foster-to-adopt! Soldier and I are both quite excited about this decision, and we are confident that this is the right choice for us. We will continue to attempt TTC while we are still here in TX, but regardless of the outcome, the adoption is something that is in our near future.

People have said to us in the past, "why don't you just adopt?" and I just want to make it very clear, that "just" and "adopt" do not belong in the same sentence. It is not a simple or easy thing to do, and it's not just some default backup plan in the game of having difficultly having biological children. It is not a "plan B" nor is it something that people have to settle for when they can't have children in the way that most people consider "normal." This is a huge decision, one we are thrilled at the prospect of, and these children will be ever bit as loved and wanted as ones that are biologically ours.

We had been hesitant to pursue this road before now. We looked into the process during Solider's deployment, but with knowing about our upcoming move, there wasn't enough time to commit to the process before we would be leaving. Knowing that we will be in TN for quite some time, and that we will be buying a home, allows us to fully invest in this journey, and we can't wait!

Ideally, we would like to take in a sibling set, preferably a brother and sister. We are hoping for them both to be under 3 or so years old, and will only be taking in children that are legally free for adoption. After all these losses, we just can't bare to have other kids taken away from us. This will be a difficult and long road for us. It's a complicated process, and there will be heartache. We simply don't have the money for private adoption, and in choosing this road, we can help kids who would otherwise grow up in the foster care system. Sibling sets are hard to place, because so many want to adopt one at a time, and typically people want infants. To know what kind of difference we can make to 2 children who need a home... it just makes our hearts happy and hopeful for the first time in many years about having a family.  I can't wait to get to our new home, settle in, and have the family we've always dreamed of. It might be done unconventionally, but hey, we have never been much of a normal couple anyhow. :)

Out of the loop.

At the beginning of June, I moved on-post, and spent the rest of the month frantically unpacking and cleaning for J's homecoming. June was a whirlwind, but 3 weeks ago, my husband finally returned from a year in Afghanistan. I am so incredibly proud of what my soldier did for this country through deployment, but having him home safely is a joy I can't put into words. Not everyone waiting anxiously state-side gets to have their longed for reunion, and I will never forget how lucky we are that he is home with me.

J and I have had a wonderful few weeks of our summer so far. The pets are thrilled to have him home, and Paisley, who he just met upon his return, is in love with him. It's hilarious to see them play together. We spent a couple night in Fort Worth for the 4th of July, and we have a trip to San Antonio and the gulf coast coming up at the end of the month. Last year, J left a few days before my birthday, so it makes these little trips, this year's birthday (which was Friday) and our upcoming anniversary that much more special. 

On the TTC front, things suck. I triggered a 24mm, 25mm, and 16mm follies the day before J got home. I was so sure that it had worked. I had all my classic symptoms, tested out the trigger, then got what I thought were pretty promising invisible lines/evaps (that I've never gotten on this brand HPT in the last 3 years) while we were up in Fort Worth. But, by the day we got home, AF was there. 10 day LP, despite progesterone supps? That's lame. 

So, it's another round of what we tried that cycle. I just finished up Femara 7.5 mg CD 5-9 on Friday. I go for a follie check on Thursday, CD 16. We will see I guess. I'll move to just Gonal-F next cycle if this one is a bust. We PCS to Tennessee in October, and I'm terrified of having to start this process all over with yet another new Dr. if something doesn't work before we leave. I am hoping and praying, for a multitude of reasons, that I have a healthy pregnancy going by then. 

Like a good friend mentioned on her blog recently, feeling left behind sucks. Hard. I have friends that hadn't even met their now-husbands when we started trying, that have babies already. Friends that decide to start trying, and don't even know what its like to get a negative test at the end of the cycle. And the thing is, it's not at all that I don't want that for them. 

It's that I want it for us, too. For myself, and for the handful of girls from my group left still trying to build a family in whatever way they can. It's an amazing feeling to see my friends from my support group moving on. There is no way to describe how my heart soars that these wonderful women are coming out the other side of all the struggles they've seen. It's beautiful. I just want to join them. 

A Happy One.

I thought I'd shake it up a bit, and go a little more upbeat and positive than I've been as of late. It's been a tough few weeks. I came back from visiting my family to a house that had been burglarized, and since then there have been 3 other break ins on my little quiet street. Also, our final IUI attempt was a failure. Though despite the unnerving and heartbreaking events, I've actually been more optimistic the last few days. I've made a conscious decision to make the best of things when I can, and try to be happier. So things have been hard? Ok then. What can I do to make things better?

For starters, I will be moving to a secure, gated neighborhood. It will be smaller, which means I'll be doing some downsizing, which I've procrastinated doing for a long time now. I'm looking forward to a clean start, having everything organized, and living a little simpler. If we've been carting it around from place to place for years, but never unpacked the box, we don't need it. :) I'm also surprising Hubs with a grill and patio set for the new place, since we actually have an area to put it. I know we will enjoy having some fun outdoor time this summer.

I see yet another new RE in a few weeks. They are supposed to do the more extensive treatments (injections) that my previous Tricare Doc did not handle. I am optimistic about the program they have there, and hope that my new Doc will be proactive and thorough with my treatment during out limited time left in TX. I'd love to have a good plan going before Hubs gets home, so that it can just be a part of my routine, instead of at the forefront of everything we do like it has been. This recent IUI failure did hit us hard, and we are going to back off a little bit from being so TTC-centric. After being apart for a year, we've just missed each other. We need some "us" time, and that has to be just as important as the journey we are on for a family.

Just as a heads I'm going to get religious in this paragraph. Today was predicted by a man and his group to be the Rapture; the second coming of Christ. That did not happen, but I'm not going to make jokes about it like so much of the media is doing. Because really, I have no more validity in saying it won't happen, than he did in saying it would. We aren't meant to know the day or the hour of Christ's return. I'm not always be the best Christian, or even person for that matter. I'm not proud of my feelings or actions on many occasions. I do however, know what is in my heart and what I believe. I don't feel like my heart and soul should be prepared for God because of some arbitrary day, but rather every day. No amount of time on this earth is guaranteed, and I want whatever time I do have here to matter.

My point with all that is that we never know what's going to happen in the future. There is so much uncertainty in this world, and I'm tired of living my life upset or worried about what I don't have, or what I don't like about how things are going. I can't say for sure if I'll ever have a baby. I don't know how much of my marriage my husband will actually be around for, or where the Army may send us over the years. I'm not sure how many of the things we are working towards will happen, much less happen like we hope or plan. What I do know is that every day that I'm given in this life gives me the possibility to be happy. To be grateful. To do the right thing and try and be a good person, wife, daughter, and friend. I will fail at this at times, and I will succeed at others. But no matter what, I'm going to keep trying, because nothing that's worth doing ever came easily.

The next few months.

Roseanne Cash once said that 'the key to change is to let go of fear.' Clearly, Roseanne Cash is braver than I am, because I haven't the faintest idea of how to do that.

We are still waiting on orders for our next duty station, and there is really no telling when we will get them. Hopefully it will be before Hubs gets home, because knowing you're moving and not being able to make any plans is stressful. We have to have a plan, and 2 back up plans, just in case the timing doesn't work out, or places won't take our pets. Good times.

I'm currently on CD6 and will hopefully have an IUI attempt this cycle. I'll be going home for Easter, and have my next monitoring appointment as soon as I come back. I'm just crossing my fingers that I don't get a +OPK while I'm at home, or this cycle is a bust. I see my rheumatologist on Thursday to talk about the steroids for the auto-immune. I'm just praying that the timing works out okay, and that this new plan with the meds does the trick.

Obviously, we would be thrilled and grateful for a healthy pregnancy at any point. However, there is an added stress that comes from TTCAL around a military schedule. There is a chance that he could deploy again a year after returning, which leaves us about 3 cycles once he's home to have this happen if he wanted to be here for the due date. It puts even more pressure on these IUI cycles, because I know what a difference that few months could make to us. It's just so unfair, but that's life. It's certainly mine at least.

I feel like all the things I want in my life are being juggled, only instead of being skillfully balanced, they are all just thrown into the air. And I'm waiting, ducked and covered, for them all to come crashing down on me. I'm just tired of feeling like everything is temporary.

Things that make me smile.

They are few and far between these days. But, there are a few things, and for that I count myself lucky.

1. I got a puppy! We've wanted one for years, but was never the right time. Last week, I sent husband a picture of a shelter pup. I told him I knew we couldn't have her, and that I wasn't asking. I just wanted to share how cute she was. But my amazing husband surprised me by telling me I should call and get more info about her. We talked a lot about potential issues with a new pet, but in the end, we decided that there was really no good reason not to. He also thought that I needed her with him gone and everything else doing on. So, last Saturday, I adopted this furball of adorableness.

Meet Paisley!

And what's funny is that as much as I already love her, I'm not all "Squee! New puppy!" It's more like she fills a hole that I didn't know was there in our family. There is the obvious hole. The constantly painful one. But this is different, and Paisley just fits perfectly. She has made me so happy already. Husband and I feel like I was meant to find her with the way things lined up so perfectly to get her.


2. My amazing friends. I brag about them a lot, but that's because they are just that wonderful. Not only have they been there for me in so many ways over the last almost year a half, but this week, they made me cry happy tears for the first time since I don't know when. I came home from a nearly 10 hours work day, exhausted, and sad from having spent 5 of those hours unpacking baby clothes.  I pulled into the driveway to see a box on my doorstep, that I assumed was delivered to the wrong house. I was so surprised when I saw it was addressed to me. Inside, I found the most beautiful, sunny, happy flowers! An arrangement of my very favorites, that make me smile every single time I walk by them. Ladies, in case you didn't already know, I absolutely love you all.

3. As always, my husband, who even while deployed has been the most fantastic shoulder to lean on. Who also experienced this loss with the chemical pregnancy, yet is still so strong for me. Who keeps me fighting for the one thing we want more than anything else. I am so lucky to be married to my best friend, and I just want him home safe and soon where he belongs.

Get It Right.

This song was on Glee on Tuesday, and I just watched it. The words just couldn't be more fitting, and I had to get them down.

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?

When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
‘Cause I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I’ll get through this

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right

So I throw up my fist, punch into the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair

So, yeah. This won't be a long post, but I guess it's an update. Husband left almost 2 weeks ago to go back overseas. I've been waiting impatiently to find out if our efforts with the iui procedure and new meds was a success. 

It was. And I got to enjoy that fact for a whopping 3 days this time. Betas dropped, tests were nearly non-visible this morning, and tonight the bleeding really started. It's over as quickly as it began. As if that, and husband being gone while it's happening isn't enough, add me being an idiot to the mix. I had a pretty clear idea before my positive tests that I was pregnant, but getting the confirmation still got me all caught up. I stupidly allowed myself in that few days, to be excited. We did all the meds! Spent all the money! Had perfect timing with R&R! It was going to be different this time! 

I know better than that. Or I should have. I bought into all these signs, thinking it meant things would be okay this time. My IUI was on my parents anniversary. My EDD was Thanksgiving Day, after months of me and Becca talking about tiny turkey babies. A few other silly things I let my heart read into throughout this cycle. I let myself get pulled into a bubble that I created about how things should be. But should be, and are, couldn't be further apart from each other most of the time. 

I'm so mad at myself. I'm also at a total loss of how I should be feeling, or how to process this and the next steps with my best friend and love of my life half a world away from me. I'm fluctuating between pissed the hell off, and broken and numb. Currently, broken and numb is winning, but feeling like a fool is pretty high up there as well. It all just sucks.

R&R So Far!

So the hubs has been home for a little over a week now, and it has been beyond wonderful. We've relaxed, taking care of errands and appointments, and had a great trip this past weekend to Austin. It's going to be so tough to say goodbye to him again, but I'm so glad that the long stretch is behind us for this deployment. I am independent and strong alone, yes. I get through because I have to, but I am reminded in this visit that I'm not really me without him here.

Austin was amazing, as it usually is. We went to a hockey game, Johnny Cash's birthday bash, and got tattoos for our angel babies. We always have such a fun time in Austin, and I can't wait to go back when he's home for good.

In other news, we've been in the thick of this cycle attempt. I started all my meds before J got home, and also had my first ultrasound. Friday the 25th, my EDD for LL, I had my first follie check. I had nothing over 10mm on the left, but had 3 decent ones on the right. Two at 13.5 and one at 11.5, which wasn't awesome, but it was heading the right direction.

Today I went back, hoping to have 2, possibly 3 mature follies to trigger. That didn't happen. None of the ones on the right had grown even a bit. I started crying then and there, knowing we were running out of time to try ourselves before J went back. Then, she checked the left side, and we got a surprise. There was a lone ninja follie sitting at 23mm. It's only 1, not what we were hoping for, but better than zero. Tonight I triggered, and after talking with my RE, we will be doing an IUI on Thursday. I'm nervous, but cautiously hopeful!